Midnight Messages [wattys2015]

Re-reading

After being with Emma, I realised that I missed her company. I seemed to appreciate her much more than I had before. Or rather compared to how much I should have appreciated her.

I can't help myself but to re-read messages from him.

I did it because I wanted to remind myself, or attempt at reminding myself how I felt or was acting towards him in order for me to go through with it all.

//i'm sorry :( I just don't like it when people get upset with me so I try and make things right, this is what i'm trying to do//

what was I doing? I was searching for love and respect with a mind full of guilt and I deserved it all.

Him: Just go with Emma its what's best

I replied to this by contradicting myself..

// oh I really don't know what to do now. what about prom? ..//

you mean what about you!

// You'll regret not going...//

I was stuck searching.

//But then again I will regret going with you...//

that did take some guts. I was telling him that I basically needed/ was in need of him. I showed the weakness I'd hid from, for a long while.

//Oh why did you have to go and break your ankle ;)//

even emoticons don't help my case.

I didn't plan on re-reading anything.

My phone was right next to me and I felt the need. I craved clarity and instead I developed a new sense. A sense of fear mixed with absolute regret and sanctuary.

I deserve something unexpectant to happen.

I'm not sure of what I believe in, but I'm sure that I may have developed a conscience which is out of my control rather than trapped within me and my own self-pity.

I wanted to find clarity to satisfy myself and others. Mainly Emma. Instead, I've been a fraud , I tried my hardest to pour my heart out to Emma, to show her all I had inside. I wanted to remind her of why we were friends. The point I'd been stupid enough to not re-think was that she was my friend because she trusted me, now the trust has left us both.

I deserved him. I really hope I do.