Alien On This Earth

Scars (My Scars Will Show It All)

"You gonna slow down there, Sungie?" Changbin chuckled, glancing over at where Han was scarfing down a bag of chips. 

"Shut up." Han snapped, turning his back to the rapper though he continued to stuff his face with the snack. He hated himself; he's disgustingly fat.

Changbin furrowed his brow. "You were nauseous yesterday, Hannie, you might want to slow down so you don't feel sick again." 

"I can take care of myself." Han hissed. 

"Hannie." Changbin stood up from the couch, rounding it to come to the kitchen. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing." The younger responded harshly. 

"Hey, Sung, look at me. What is going on with you? You've been acting weird for a while now." 

Jisung's heart hammered, and he kept his gaze away from Changbin. He was eating so much today; he couldn't bring himself to stop. He hated it, hated himself. He'd rather die right now than face the embarrassment that awaited him if his members found out anything. But he didn't know how to hide it anymore. The only way he could cover it up was with anger. Because it was easier to be angry than to be crying and in pain. But the madness only muffled the emotions swirling in the back, there was only so much that false anger could do. 

"Jisung. Hey, look at me. What's up, Sungie? You've been so distant lately." 

"Yeah, and?" Han snapped, glaring at Changbin. 

Just tell him, Jisung. Just tell him. Please, you can't yell at another member. Not after what you did to Chan yesterday. No more, you have to admit it. Please, just admit it!

Attention-seeking, worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, you should just go and cut yourself since that's all you seem to know how to do anymore. 

The skin on his leg still burned, barely healed. He winced in memory of the pain, but also for the mental pain that was washing over him in waves, threatening to drown him if he didn't get above the surface soon. He was trying though; he was trying so hard. But now what? Now he was binging, he'd reached his goal of 125lbs, but now he was going to gain it all back. 

"You know you can tell me anything, Sungie. If you're feeling anxious or..."

"I'm not." Han blurted, crinkling up the chip bag and tossing it into the garbage can even though there were still chips inside. He needed it out of sight though or he'd gain even more weight. He hated himself, he half wished he hadn't snapped Hyunjin's razor in half... that didn't mean he couldn't still use it though. 

"Would you tell us if you were feeling anxious again?" Changbin asked, leaning onto the counter to look up at Han on the opposite side. 

"Yeah, of course." Not.

He started towards the hallway, the overwhelming urge to take Hyunjin's razor out from its hiding spot behind the shampoo bottle drawing him in like a magnet. He jumped when he heard the dorm door open and both he and Changbin glanced over just as their leader stepped in. 

It was only 11pm, but Chan looked exhausted already even though most nights he'd stay out much later. "Hey, Bin... Han." He barely looked at the young rapper before retreating to his room, the door being slammed shut the only sound reverberating around the dorm. 

He hates me. I ruined everything. This is on me. This is all my fault. I'll never be enough. I'll never fit in. They hate me.

How am I supposed to live when the only thing I love anymore hates me?

"Hey, Hannie, we're not done talking." Changbin called after him, but he slammed the door shut to his room, sliding down it until he could curl up into a ball on the floor. It was too much. Tiger JK had been right, he should have told the others sooner. It was too late now though. There was absolutely no way he could get the words out now. The only way they'd ever know would be when they found his body lifeless on the floor.