Alien On This Earth

Waiting For Us (I'm Right Here)

Han squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to see what the others would do. They hated him, despite his desperate hope they still cared about him, he knew they had to hate him. "I'm sorry." He bowed his head, letting go of his waistband so it sprung back up to cover the cuts. "I just, I didn't know how to make it stop." 

"Oh, Jisung." Chan sighed, his voice shaking. With very slow, very cautious movements, the leader stepped closer, wrapping his arms tentatively around Jisung like he might break in his hold. He still did either way, because all this time he just wanted someone to understand, to not be alone, to be loved. 

Han's breath stuttered before he let out a pitiful whine, burying his face into Chan's neck and gripping the back of his shirt, clawing at the material as if he could get his member - his friend - his brother - closer to him. 

"I'm so sorry, hyung. I tried- I couldn't- please believe me. I didn't want this. I just wanted to lose weight. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't- hyung, please." Han pushed his face harder against the wet spot he was making on his leader's shoulder, but Chan didn't say a word, just held the younger against him like a mother holding her newborn baby for the first time - with a passionate desperation to be closer, but also with a fear she'd break the precious life she held.

Over the two though, Changbin and Hyunjin exchanged a look. There was a lot more going on than Han was letting on - and he was already admitting a lot. Hyunjin glanced down at the notebook in his hand and started flipping through the pages. Han would hate him for sure, but Hyunjin couldn't care less. Whatever it took to help his younger brother, he'd do it, even if that meant being hated for it. 

His eyes landed on one page and Changbin watched as his face went white. "Jinnie?" He whispered, coming around Chan and Han to stand by the dancer. "What is-?" He froze, staring at the page. "Sungie? Have you only been eating one meal a day for a month?" 

The way the semi-silent tears increased in volume and were accompanied by more rapid apologizes was enough of an answer for Changbin and Hyunjin. Chan looked up over Han's head, staring with tearful eyes at the two younger members. "He hasn't been eating?" 

"I have." Han whimpered, squeezing Chan tighter. "Just, not a lot." 

"I knew you looked thinner." Chan whispered, his voice cracking in the middle. "Oh, Hannie, how did we not see it? I'm so sorry."

"Don't. Don't apologize. Please don't apologize. This wasn't you. Please don't blame yourself." 

"What happened, Ji?" Hyunjin asked, breathlessly as he carded through the notebook pages. Word after word of hatred and sorrow, it was tearing his heart to pieces. He knew. Just a little, but he knew enough to have talked to Han. He could have stopped this. Maybe if he'd been brave enough to actually speak about the topic, he wouldn't be reading a hate journal for Han by Han about Han. 

"I dunno." Han cried. "I dunno. I was fine. I was really fine. And then I just wasn't fine. But I dunno. I'm sorry." He couldn't bring himself to look at the others. His face was red, he knew, and not from the exertion of crying so hard, but from embarrassment. He was so ashamed of his actions, and still, he itched to find that razor in the bathroom. Even though they knew, it wasn't making him feel better. An overwhelming guilt was threatening to drown him, and he couldn't fight against the waves anymore. "Make it stop." He whimpered. "Shut up. Just shut up. Please." 

They still hate you, Jisung, they're just too nice to say it to your face. They're disgusted by you though. They think you're a gross, ugly, disgusting person. They can't wait until they can leave you alone to cry yourself to sleep tonight. 

"SHUT UP!" Han attempted to recoil from Chan, but the leader's grip was firm, and Han barely moved an inch. "SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!" 

"Jisung, none of us are talking." Changbin whispered, sounding on the verge of sobbing too.