Log Off (Lesbian)

Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Shaynah

WARNING! This Chapter is really intense. It touches on many not so pleasant topics. If you cannot deal with graphic scenes of abuse then please skip this entire Chapter.

I had gotten quiet. I truly believed that I was damaged goods. Maybe I had endured so much hurt in my lifetime, that I was unlovable.

"You may be damaged but you are fixable Shaynah."

I laughed on a sniffle. Alex was so...perfect. Even the way that she had handled me previously. She took over like a boss. I admired that. I knew that it would take someone that was strong minded to deal with me.

"Can I ask you something?" My head was now resting on her shoulder comfortably.

"You can ask me anything.

I won't ever lie to you Shaynah. Even if my truth hurts you."

"Do you think that the old saying:You can't love anyone else,unless you love yourself: is true?"

I lifted up my head and looked at her.

"No and yes. See I was never one to fall into the mainstream of idealism ma. I do think that it is possible to dislike, not love or even hate yourself but to love others."

"Really I think it's more about respect than anything. Respecting yourself enough to know that you are valuable.

It's a tricky question that has no exact answer to. It's like ok.. heres an example for you. A person may be filled with self loathing right?"

"Right." I nodded.

"But they love the fuck outta their pet. Their car. Anything or something. You see where I'm getting at Shaynah?

Humans ,animals shit... we all crave love and acceptance."

I closed my eyes and just listed to the tone of her voice. maybe she was right.

"Do you love yourself Shaynah?"

I felt the anxiety set in. How was I to answer her? If I said what she thought was wrong, would she leave me?

Suddenly I pulled back from her. "Hey it's getting late and I'm tired.

We should talk later ok Alex?

"Is this what you do Shaynah?" She asked me.

"Is what, what?" I almost snapped.

"Push people away. You know ma, this could be why you feel like noone loves you. Maybe you don't give people a chance."

"I never told you that no one loves me. People do love me."

"Who loves you?" Her eyes bore into mine.

"My family."

"Do they?"

"Of course they do Alex!"

"Okay."

"Well you are right Shaynah.

It's late so I think it's time for you to rest."

"Yeah whatever." I watched as she walked to the front door. I was so sick of this. I mean I wanted to stop talking about my family but I really did not want her to go.

Alex locked the door and walked back over to me. My eyes had open up to what I assumed were half dollar coins.

"Where is your bedroom? Let's lay down and just relax. I'm staying the night. I won't take no for an answer."