Lost Souls

Chapter 2

Unsurprisingly, it was next to impossible for me to sleep that night. I should have been exhausted enough for the true oblivion of sleep to take me quickly, but I lay awake as the hours passed slowly, staring at the ceiling. Neither Drew nor my parents had pressed me about earlier, though I'd felt their concerned gazes on me for the rest of the day. After the shock and intense emotions, I'd sequestered myself in our room for as long as possible.

Oscillating between fear, anger, pain, and regret, I cried until I felt wrung out and dry. One minute, I was simultaneously furious and terrified; the next, I was hurting and full of regret. I hated that Zander had that much power over me, but at the same time, I felt like I deserved it. Ever since his death, I'd drilled it into myself that I'd killed him just to save Elle, but the real reason shook me to my core.

I wanted to kill him. And now, with him back and out for revenge, it terrified me what he would do if we crossed paths. I shifted onto my side, folding an arm under my head as I looked out the window into the night-dark waters. I shivered as I imagined Zander lurking out there, lying in wait.

I heard a deep intake of breath, then a soft voice from behind me. "Wanna talk about it?" I took a shaky breath, then flipped to my other side, meeting Jonah's eyes.

"I—I can't sleep. I know that if—if I do, it'll be the same thing as last night. I hate that he still has that power over me, but at the same time, I feel like I deserve it." Those last words were hardly more than a push of breath, barely audible, but I knew that Jonah heard them.

He reached out and touched my cheek, his touch warm and reassuring. "You have to stop blaming yourself. Zander put you in an impossible situation, and you did the only thing you could. And as for Waverly, I think bringing Zander back to life was more about her having both parents around—the stability."

Tears threatened, but I held them back. My head still throbbed from all the crying I'd done in the past twenty-four hours. "But I don't think—not really—that she understood the impact her words would have on me. That's part of why I lashed out at her. All that pent-up anger was bound to come out sometime. And the worst part of all of it was I didn't—and don't—regret any of it."

I hated that I'd given into that part of myself. That place where I stored all the hate, anger, depression, and grief that I'd experienced in the past—I had thought I'd stowed those emotions away where I couldn't reach them. That part of me, I realized, was still stuck in my childhood. That was where the root of my abandonment issues originated.

Even though I'd barely been a year old when Carla and Ella's murders had occurred, that young, traumatized mermaid had never truly disappeared. She was still there—hidden behind the façade of a tough mermaid who'd survived tragedy and heartbreak and continued to face each day. Every so often, however, memories of that time would rise to the surface, cracking that tough façade.

When I spoke, my voice was barely audible. I wasn't talking to Jonah—I was thinking out loud—but he heard the words anyway. "I think that's why I've been having those nightmares. My subconscious tells me that, though I have two loving parents and an entire family that would die for me, I'll never really get rid of that young, traumatized mermaid."

I let out a tense breath, surprised to find tears in my eyes. I hadn't expected any of that to come out. Before I'd spoken the words, I hadn't even realized I'd felt that. Jonah sat up, pulling me into his arms. "Does this have anything to do with what happened earlier?"

I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the onslaught of memories that lurked in my subconscious. But none came. Instead, all I felt was a profound feeling of emptiness. When I spoke, my voice was hollow. "I don't know if I'll be able to beat Zander. I'm not strong enough. I'll never be strong enough."