Number 15 - Katie McCabe

15

Katie

T.W, mention of panic attacks.

In case of confusion, this chapter switches from past to present frequently.

I had to get out of there, I couldn't let her see how I really felt. Why does it always come back to Beth? I've tried so many times to avert her questions, to shut a conversation down when she's the topic, to change the subject, and nothing works, but will it ever? I thought she was starting to get over it, that she was finally starting to forgive me, I thought our feud that's lasted over a year was coming to an end. How long will it take until she stops asking me about it? Will she ever? But how can I blame her, Beth's her best friend. I can't tell her what she did to me, I can't tell her why I didn't apologise sooner for the injury I caused, I can't tell her that I felt so terrible about it after it happened. I knew it was wrong, yet I still made the late tackle, and the split second that I realised what I had done, I wanted to take it all back so desperately. But I couldn't let anyone know that, I had to maintain the front, the mask, I couldn't let anyone through, I couldn't be weak.

Flashback - (4th May, 2021, the day before the game)
"Baby... Please, I swear, it didn't mean anything,"

"It didn't mean anything? It didn't mean anything?! Then please, tell me why it seems to have happened five times?!" I shout, tears pouring out of my eyes after Rue told me everything, but only after I found photos with her and another girl on her phone. "And you don't get to call me that anymore," I add, my voice on the brink of breaking. She had cheated on me, and suddenly, those six years? They felt like a lie, like I was never truly with her, and I feel nothing for her anymore. I had stuck with her, through everything, and she just threw it away, as if I didn't matter, as if I didn't exist. And what's worse? She didn't even care. And only now she does, because she got caught.

"I- I'm sorry, I just thought-"

"You just thought what?! What could you have possibly thought, that makes up for this?! That excuses this?! I can't believe you. And I'm done, why don't you go back to the girl you actually want to have sex with," I say, and I leave her house without a second word. My face is so swollen that I don't know how I even got any words out. I can feel my eyes turn even redder than they already are, yet the tears just keep coming. It's like they're unlimited. Are tears unlimited? Is there a maximum amount of tears you can cry before your supply is out? What happens if you don't stop? What happens if you can't? What happens then? Because right now, they aren't stopping anytime soon, and as soon as I get into my car, I can hardly see where I'm going, and I know I probably shouldn't be driving. But I know the way, and I know I shouldn't go, but it's the first place I can think of.

Present - Now
As soon as I get out of the room door, I feel my lungs forget how to work and I lean against the wall with my head in my hands and I count in my head to stop it, just like I was taught. 1, 2, 3, 4... I have to stop what I won't let anyone see. It hasn't happened for a few months, I've tried so hard to push it to the back of my mind, to not let it affect me, but at this moment, my body doesn't let me fight it anymore. 5, 6, 7, 8... It won't end, and I decide to go to the one person who knows, the only person I've confided in, ever. Yet, if I had the choice, I wouldn't have to.

Me
Is anyone in your room right now?

??
No, why?

I don't reply, I instead rush down the hall and knock on her door until she opens it. At first there's a grin on her face but as soon as she sees what's happening, her face drops and she immediately leads me inside to the bed, and I can't help but collapse onto her. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. At this moment, I needed someone, and she was there, like I knew she would be.