Number 15 - Katie McCabe

17

Time skip to 16th December, 2022

The next seven weeks go by like clockwork, with our last game of the year being tomorrow. And of course, it's against my old club, Tottenham. The pressure riding on this game is immense, and since my debut against Aston Villa, I would say that I've somewhat made an impact on the team, but I've only just started being a regular starter for the last two games. The rest before that, I've been coming on as a substitute as an impact player, which I'm not completely mad about, but with that came self doubt. I started to be hard on myself quite a bit, because I knew I wasn't the first choice. That there was someone who deserved to be on that pitch more than me. I know it's dumb, but it's how my mind works, even when I wish it was different. And I've tried to push it down, but the thought would always linger in my brain when we got told the lineups before games. We're currently second on the table with twenty two points, Chelsea leading with twenty four. And with our game on Saturday which is before theirs, we have a chance to be top of the table, even if it's only for a day. So it's important that we win, not only for that reason, but because I need to win, I want to win. I want to prove that moving to Arsenal was the right choice.

The dynamic of the team has been... Interesting. I don't think Leah has told anyone about what happened with us, and neither have I. But I think most of the team can see something happened because she's been avoiding me not that subtly outside of games, and the only time we ever talk is at training or during a match. It makes me upset, why couldn't I just tell her that I want her, that I do like her back, and that I want something with her. Because, I think I do. But I don't want to just think, I want to know for sure. And I can't tell if I'm forcing myself to feel like this so we can go back to how we were before we started anything. Every time I try to talk to her, I can't bring myself to, and maybe that says enough. I think she needs space, and that's what I've been giving her, I'm sure she'll talk to me when she's ready.

As for Katie, right now, she's still ignoring me, and I've tried to stop caring, but she's always in the back of my mind. There's been moments where she's acted normal, but then immediately after I think she's done with having something against me, she goes back to pretending I don't exist and acts as if I've done something wrong. And at first it just annoyed me, but for some reason, it now just makes me just upset. So I've stopped putting any effort in, because it's mentally draining, and it's not my main focus, getting game time is. I can't be caught up with this feud I have with Katie when I have games to play and to worry about. Thankfully, Katie hasn't injured anyone badly since the Villa game, and it was announced that the player who went down in the opening match had suffered a fractured ankle, which isn't as bad as it could have been. But every time I'm on the pitch with her, there's always a part of me that is worried she's going to do something like that again, but as each week and each game rolls around, that thought fades more and more, which I'm somewhat thankful for.

Right now, I'm laying in bed, about to go to sleep before I have to go to the training centre to prepare for the game one last time. And when I'm about to turn my lamp off, I get a text from Beth E.

Beth
Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow xx

Me
Looking forward to beating you tomorrow xx

Beth
Haha, you wish x

And with that, I fall into a slumber with Kiko in my arms, with thoughts of the game against my old club lingering until I am asleep. When I wake up, I feel weirdly calm, I usually feel somewhat nervous before games, but the feeling has dissipated, like it was never even there. Of course I have jitters, but they aren't of anxiousness, it's of excitement. I find it comforting, I have a good feeling about today, that it's going to play out well for me. I'm in the starting eleven, my stats recently have been pretty good. But I think my positive thoughts jinx it, because I couldn't be more wrong.