Stillwater Street

15

October 1st 2004.

Today is the funeral. Ms Marley decided she wanted Zoe's funeral to be joint with Malcolm's because she needed the support. She has also moved in with us temporarily, to keep herself sane. I am giving a speech, I fear I might start crying but, what's new. Omar has been coming round a lot. It turns out that painting was me. He gifted it to me which was so lovely. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him around. Before, not far after the incident, I thought about not being here anymore. I couldn't do that to my brothers though, or my mom, losing so many people in such a short span of time. Mom has also been putting in some effort. She hugged me the other day, was short and awkward. I am a lot closer with Zoe's mom than I am my own. I think she needs that. I am surprised about Max but that's how quickly things can change I guess. If you'd had asked me a month ago if the relationship I had with my brother would turn to us being almost complete strangers, I never would have believed you. The people that bullied him about the situation have gotten bad repercussions, most of them have been expelled. Turns out Gemma Ivy really did move to Canada after all this. If I had a kill list, she'd be on it. Before she left, the stupid bitch came forward about all these threats she'd been putting against people that wouldn't sleep with her, and all the people that did. Hearing Omar's name stung a bit but at least all of the guys she had used this against had been proven innocent. I don't know what happens to her now but, I hope it is painful. I don't know what is going to happen to me after this. It's hard to go back to life how it was before when people I loved so much have left me in such a dreadful way. I miss Malcolm so much. So, so much. Zoe too. Not having her there to talk about any of this is another thing that is becoming unbearable. I fear that time doesn't heal all wounds. Not ones like this. 

I choose a long sleeved, knee length black dress and black tights. I wear black trainers and a few hours before the funeral I go to the hairdressers. 'What are you going to get?' Omar asks, and I come out with jaw length hair. In Zoe's box were her clips, so I will wear these every single day. He smiles at me, a sad smile but one that makes me know that I made a good choice. The funeral is in an hour and a half so I have time to go home and show Mom and the boys my hair. 'Looks really nice Amelia, you look very mature.' When Zoe's mom sees my hair she starts to cry. 'She would have loved it.' She says as she cups my face in her hands. The boys are in black suits, they haven't smiled in weeks. Zeth taps my back as I walk along the corridor into the kitchen. 'I really think you look pretty Amelia.' 'Thanks' I say. Omar is wearing a black suit as well. He looks really good. He has a black tie on and his white shirt tucked into his trouser bottoms and a perfectly fitted blazer. 'You look good.' He doesn't say anything but winks at me before putting his hand into mine. 

A black car picks us up and we all go to the church. People pour in. Friends of Malcolms, friends of Moms, the boys friends and their parents, some of my school teachers, almost our entire year. Anakin arrives, he is pushing a wheelchair with a lady in it. He comes up to me, 'I am so sorry Amelia, for everything. Come on Mom.' He says as he pushes her away. Pretty soon every single pew is full. People are wearing black and I can see people already starting to cry. Mom, Alistair, Adrian, Zeth and Jake are sat in the front row next to Zoe's mom. Soon, 'Songbird' by Fleetwood Mac plays as the coffins are brought in to the front of the church. The lids are both closed and there is a photo of Zoe and a photo of Malcolm placed on a stand beside the correct coffin. The pastor said his words and then introduced me up to the front. I shake as I stand in front of all these people. 'It's not that great, my speech.' I say into the mic as it echos. I hear a few chuckles, sniffles, and some scattered coughs. I look around the room, I feel my heartbeat in my throat again as I see all these eyes staring at me. I want to just step off the raised platform I am on but not this time. I won't let this sick feeling take over me again. I place my hands on the wooden podium. I take a deep breath in.

'Two people. Two beautiful, kind, loving people. Malcolm Anderson and Zoe Marley. My step-father and my best friend. Zoe was my platonic soulmate. She was the person you could always go to if you needed someone to talk to. She was the person who could always make a situation that was supposed to be awkward feel okay again and the fact that I will never be able to see her smile again or hear her voice will forever be the worst thing. There has never been a day of my life where she has failed to make me laugh. The selfless and incredible type of person we all need.'

I start to feel my voice crack, I have more to say but I can't get it out just yet so I stay silent for a few minutes whilst I compose myself. My eyes start to water and I can't see the words on my paper. I hear someone get up and stand next to me. Omar grabs my hand. I wipe my eyes and continue on.

'Malcolm.' I swallow. 'Malcolm was also my best friend. He was my step-father but I would consider him to be my real father with the dedication and love he gave. Malcolm always gave his 100%. He loved harder than any man I had ever known. He was so understanding and kind. He always used to tell me 'anyone can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father,' and that is exactly what he was. A real man who was a father, a father to my brothers, Alistair, Adrian, Zeth and Jake, and a father to me and my brother Max. I know Max should not be mentioned.' I feel Omar's hand tighten in mine but I carry on anyway. 'I know he shouldn't be mentioned here but Max is another person I've lost. Someone I knew, someone I loved has been lost. Max's actions cannot be excused. However, I will say I miss who my brother was. I miss him being around and I miss our memories we had together. Life will not be the same. So finally I say, I am sad for losing you all, but I am more glad that I knew you.' 

I breathe a few times before sitting down. I burst into tears as I sit down and I cry for the rest of the funeral. I was the only one who gave a speech so the rest of it was short until we went to the cemetery. Omar held me as I stood and watched Malcolm and Zoe get lowered down into the ground next to each other. Once that part of the funeral was over, Mom had invited everyone back to the bungalow for canapés and drinks but I asked Omar if he would take me back one more time. 

We get to Stillwater Street. He drives down and there is still the windows and doors boarded up and there is a single police car there but the outside of the house is all I needed to see. That was it, here I was. Amelia Leao, lost everything I had in a month. It's a shame really. Life is hilariously cruel. 

October 12th 2004.

No entry. 

I walk up to the headstones. Flesh flowers had been put down as Mom visited with the boys earlier this morning. I like to go when the sun is setting. I crouch down and get onto my back where I lay next to both. I lay for a while until I decide to tell them something. 'I gave my art project in guys. I got an A+. You'd both be so proud of me. So proud.' Then I laugh. I lay there still on the ground for hours. Content in all our company.