MIDNIGHT RAIN, ʲ.ᵏ

𐬿chapter eight𐬿

charlotte woke up pressed against the firm lines of johnny kavanaghs stomach. it took her a moment to comprehend where she was, but once she did, she never wanted to leave. it was a tedious thought, one she had regularly, but somehow, in that moment, it meant more. she sat up against her better judgment and looked down at him. he looked so peaceful when he slept that it made her heart ache. she sighed quietly and laid back down next to him. she shouldn't waste any of the time she had with him. she felt a burning behind her eyes and tears filled them quickly. she didn't know why she was suddenly upset. her friendship with johnny had made her so happy, and even if they stopped being friends today, even if he told her he was in love with bella wilkinson, she would be happy she even got to spend time with him in the first place. johnny was like a gold rush, everything he did seemed so flawless, but charlotte knew there was only so much one person could give. and he had given her a lot. the thing was, over time charlotte had become more and more sure that she didn't just like johnny, she liked him. she leaned into him more, craving the closeness only he could give her. she closed her eyes and tried to remember all of their memories together, but even in her head she couldn't escape her feelings for johnny. there was something about him. it was captivating. he was selfless, always trying to put others first, not always remembering that he was a person too. he was kind, so so kind, the type of kind some people spent their whole lives trying to be. he had so many amazing qualities that it would have been impossible for charlotte to not like him. she didn't know exactly what she was expecting. she knew he probably wasn't going to jump at the opportunity to be with his friends little sister, but she knew it would only get worse and worse the longer she went without telling him. she squeezed her eyes shut tightly. she would tell him... eventually. by the time johnny began to stir, charlottes plan was absolute. he wouldn't hear a word about her feelings, not when he already had so much to deal with. he wrapped a lazy arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to him.
"hi charlotte," he said, his voice still scratchy and sleepy.
"hi johnny," she whispered, her face smooshed against one of his muscular biceps. she smiled slightly.
"comfy?" he asked, sounding like he was holding in a laugh. she nodded, and he pulled her closer, if possible.
"me too," johnny said, caressing her head gently. it was in moments like these when charlotte was reminded of why she liked him so much. he always knew what she needed, without her even having to say anything.
"johnny." she said, rolling over to face him. his hair was messy and he still looked half asleep.
"charlotte." he said, smiling widely. it was hard for her to look at him and know she couldn't have him. he was everything she had ever wanted, ever since they were little, and even now he was still unobtainable. his smile faded slightly and he looked at her in confusion before she snapped. she grabbed his face and kissed him suddenly before pulling away just as quick. johnny didn't say anything as charlotte got out of the bed quickly and grabbed her sweatshirt. by now, they had taken his IV out, so she knew that he would stop her from leaving if he wanted to. he just didn't want to. his face was impassive and he looked slightly confused, but still, he didn't say a word. just as she was about to open the door, he stopped her.

"charlotte," he said quietly. "why would you do that?"
she felt her eyes begin to water once again, "i don't know," she said, her voice breaking. "i'm sorry."
she heard him stand up, but she refused to turn around. "don't be sorry. it's okay," he said, walking closer to her.
she shook her head, "no it's not, i'm sorry johnny."
"charlotte stop." he said, and she did. she didn't say anything else. she just stood there, her hand on the door handle and her back to him.
"look at me," he said, his voice low and unusual.
she turned around, but she didn't look at him. she kept her gaze on the vase of tulips on his bedside table, courtesy of gibsie. only when he took a step forward did she actually look at him. he looked slightly pained, and his expression was sour. she knew she looked much worse though. she refused to cry in front of him again, so she blinked rapidly to try and get rid of her tears. she didn't know how to hide her distress from him, even when they were little it always felt like johnny cold read her mind. he took a step forward, and she took a step back.
"charlotte stop," he said, sounding upset.
"sorry," she said, her voice tight and scratchy.
"stop." he said again, more normally.
she stayed where she was, not moving, and waited for whatever he had to say.
"it's not you," he said, causing her to rolls her eyes and scoff, "really, it's not. it's just i don't have a place in my life for a commitment and you're not exactly a hookup girl. i would never do that with you."
"gee thanks," charlotte said, pacing around the length of the room.
"you know i didn't mean it like that," johnny said, sounding less and less sympathetic. "you can't pretend i don't care about you, because you know i do. so stop."
she looked at him for a long moment, trying to memorize the look on his face, the words he had said to her, the way his voice sounded, and then she walked out. she didn't know why things kept going so wrong between them. she didn't know what to do now that she left. she couldn't go back to johnny, no matter how much she wanted to. and she wanted to, a lot. she didn't know why she did what she did, kissing him and walking out like that, but she did know one thing. things would never ever ever work out with her and johnny, no matter how much she wanted them to. he was right. she couldn't pretend he didn't care about her, but she could pretend that none of this ever happened. that he never hit her with a rugby ball, or taken her to dublin or spent the night at her house. she left his rugby sweatshirt at the front desk, told the receptionist it was for johnny kavanagh, and then charlotte left the hospital. it was still raining out, and even though she had money for a taxi, she wanted to walk. charlotte biggs was never going to talk to johnny kavanagh again. she was resolute that she would never try and find him at school, never wait for him in the lunchroom. she was done. tears streamed down her face as she walked home. her hair was stuck to her face and she was shivering. by the time she got home, all the lights were already off. she slammed her door and sat in the bath for hours. what an awful day.