MIDNIGHT RAIN, ʲ.ᵏ

𐬼chapter nine𐬼

johnny could say with absolute certainty that before this past month, everything he did had been for rugby. he lived for approval from the academy, victory in his games, the friendship of his teammates. it was all for rugby. things had changed. he didn't know how or when or why, but now, rugby couldn't mean less to him. it wasn't about fame or playing for his country or approval. it was all for charlotte. everything he had been doing lately was for her. he did things to make her happy and he tried to make up for the things he did to make her sad, she was all he thought about. all he wanted was to make her happy, to do right by her. so of course when she kissed him, he couldn't kiss her back. it's not that he didn't want to, he couldn't think of anything he wanted more. he just knew he shouldn't. charlotte was kind and funny and gracious, and johnny was the opposite. he was selfish, caring only about himself and rugby, and he was too unserious. she deserved someone better, and he wouldn't let her hold herself back by being with him. that didn't mean it didn't hurt though, watching her walk away from him. he wanted to make her stay, to kiss her, and hold her and keep her safe. but he couldn't. johnny stayed in the hospital for longer than necessary, faking pain in his abductor to avoid facing the reality of what he had done. charlotte might never want to talk to him again. she might not want to be his friend, or ride with him to school, or anything. they might never go to dublin together again, or have a sleepover, and he just had to be okay with that. if he couldn't have her the way he wanted, he could at least get to have her as a friend, but not if she didn't want him as a friend, too. he didn't realize that he might lose charlotte completely. he hadn't even thought of it until now, but now that he was thinking about it, he knew it would kill him if charlotte didn't want to be around him anymore. he didn't know what to do, if he should find her or leave her alone. he didn't know if she wanted space, or to talk, or just to never see him again. he knew that she wanted to kiss him, and he ruined it. he wanted to kiss her, too. he knew he shouldn't, he knew he should stay away from Hughie's sister, but he couldn't help it. he had tried to stay away from her, at first. he hadn't asked hughie about her after the rugby ball incident, he didn't try to find out more about her like he wanted to. he stayed away. but then he took her to dublin and ruined everything. it was hard staying away from charlotte, and it was hard to just be her friend and it was hard telling her he  didn't want to kiss her when it was so clearly a lie. he didn't know how she didn't see through it, see through him. he took out the picture of her from his pocket and gazed at it. she was caught off guard in it, smiling at him and blushing in embarrassment. their first (and potentially last) sleepover. it was a great night, he reminisced, a perfect night. but it wasn't the sleepover that made it perfect, or the snacks, or the movies they watched. it was her. it was charlotte that made his days good, charlotte who he looked forward to seeing everyday. and it was charlotte he turned away. he knew it was a mistake, he knew the second he told her he wouldn't kiss her that it was an awful idea. but he couldn't change things now. it was too late.

he couldn't stay at the hospital forever, though. he just couldn't. by the time he got to his car, he knew what he had to do. it was a short drive from the hospital to maple street. the biggs lived in a pale yellow two story house. it looked cozy in a way johnnys big white house never could. he sat in the driveway for a moment, thinking about the last time he was here. when him and charlotte had just got back from dublin and had their sleepover. with a sigh, he got out of his car and walked to the door. he knocked twice, and he was surprised to see that it was mrs.biggs who answered the door. she was blonde like claire and was fairly short, but she was a sweet lady. johnny was glad it was her who answered the door and not mr.biggs. he was almost as tall as johnny with the same dark hair as charlotte and hughie, and he happened to be fiercely protective of his daughters.
"hi mrs. biggs," he said warmly, "is charlotte home?"
she smiled at him kindly, "she's in her room, johnny. you can head up, if you'd like."
he smiled in relief, "thank you, mrs. biggs."
she nodded, "of course, johnny."
she opened the door wider and johnny walked in, taking off his shoes. he walked up the stairs leisurely, not wanting to make noise. once he got to charlotte's door, he knocked.
"yeah?" she called out, blissfully unaware of who was waiting for her. he took that as permission to go on, stepping into her room quickly and shutting the door behind him.
"what the hell?" she asked, staring at him curiously from where she sat on her bed, braiding her hair.
"charlotte," he said, stepping closer to her.
"johnny," she said wearily, gazing at him strangely. he sat on the edge of her bed, waiting for her to give him permission to sit by her. when she sighed and nodded, he came to lay next to her. he was reclined against her pillows while she sat up straight a few inches ahead of him. she was still struggling to braid her hair, so he reached out and gently grabbed it, twisting it into a braid just like he did at their sleepover. somehow they ended up only inches apart. having her so close to him yet being unable to have her was excruciating. he was realizing more and more the extent of his feelings for charlotte. everything he did was for her. he would die for her if he had to, kill for her, give up everything for her, and he would do it without a complaint.
"i don't want you to stop being my friend," johnny said, his voice cracking.
charlotte leaned back slightly so they were shoulder to shoulder, "i don't want to stop being your friend either."
they sat in silence for a moment before charlotte turned toward him and wrapped her arms around his neck. he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close to him, unsure of what to say.
"i hate bella wilkinson," he muttered.
charlotte laughed, "me too johnny."
he fell asleep with her head on his shoulder and one of her many knitted blankets thrown over their legs. it was the best night sleep he had in weeks.