ambivalence ❣ larry

7

Louis is sad. No, fuck that, Louis is chronically depressed.

It's been four days since his breakdown. Since Harry kissed him. 

He hasn't left his bedroom apart from when he needs the toilet. To his mum's annoyance he's been smoking in his room, too. He makes sure he's by the window, at least. Still, every time she comes up to bring him food, she'll spray air freshener to the point it makes Louis choke.

He's currently sat on his window sill, looking at the park with a cigarette resting between his fingers. He spends most of his days exactly as he is now, part of him hoping to see Niall but for the last four days, he hasn't seen Niall. Not even once.

For the first two days of his depression, he wouldn't let his mum touch his ripped up art that was strewn across the floor. She kept insisting that she tidy it for him but he refused. He also spent a lot of time staring at the pile of torn paper, with sullen eyes and a heavy heart. 

His mum was in complete shock at the sheer amount of art he had created in such a short time. She'd also never seen a piece of it before in her life. She expressed a mixture of awe and sadness when she saw them. Awe at what her son had created but sadness at how they had been destroyed. It wasn't until yesterday that Louis shared the sadness. 

Once his anger had dissipated, he was left with a gut wrenching feeling of despondency. He then spent hours taping them back together into the early hours of this morning. It's now 2:34pm and he's not long been awake.

He's also spent a large majority of the last four days googling things, such as:

'why am i attracted to someone i hate?'

'if i only like 1 boy, am i gay?'

'can you be gay for just 1 person?'

'gay quiz'

This is because Louis hasn't stopped thinking about Harry. 

He even let the thoughts of Harry kissing him pop into his mind while he was wanking, just to see how he felt. He wasn't sure what result he was looking for but he still cried again after. 

He still hates Harry, he's pretty sure he always will but he can't help but feel butterflies in his tummy whenever he remembers how soft Harry's lips were against his. Part of him lets himself feel the butterflies and another part of him wants to swallow a strong pesticide to kill the little twats fluttering around in there confusing him. 

It took him a while to be able to laugh about it, not because the situation is funny, because it's not. It's actually the complete opposite. He laughed because of the awkward love triangle starting to emerge. Harry and Madison are dating, Madison and Zayn are continuing to fuck, and now Harry just kissed Louis. He can't help but be mildly entertained, even if the situation is currently causing him an immense depression.

"Lou, you awake?" He hears his mum's voice on the other side of the door.

"Yeah." He says, his eyes still trained on the view of the park. His door creaks open and he hears the air freshener spraying.

"Mum, stop."

"I don't want my house smelling like a smoking room." She tuts with her hand resting on her hip. She has her makeup on and she's dressed smartly.

"Where are you going?"

She looks at him blankly. "The conference. I've told you multiple times, Lou."

"Oh yeah," Louis says, his voice muffled by the smoke in his lungs, "I forgot." He says exhaling, aiming the smoke out of the open window.

"This room stinks, Lou. Go and have a shower and I'll change your sheets and put a wash on."