Silent Tears

Author's Note

I do just want to start by thanking you for reading, and express how much all of you guys mean to me!

I started writing this in the middle of eighth grade as I said, wrote like four chapters, then took a pretty long hiatus from writing it in my docs before returning to it in the middle of this year, in my ninth grade. I realized how much I actually did want to write it, and wrote the last like eight or nine chapters in about a month.

That being said...you don't need to read this part, as it is just be ranting.

This part does give me a bit of anxiety to post as it includes some fairly personal struggles that I have and I know that at least two of my readers are people I know, but I do just kind of need to rant.

Mentally manipulated by family. I was going to include this, but then realized that I honestly didn't want to write her family, as writing toxic relationships and families is not very pleasant for me. My family is a lot better than I described in the few paragraphs about them, I swear though.

Used by 'friends' for attention. I mentioned this in the first couple chapters, because it happened a lot when I was younger, up until about sixth grade, thankfully I've found a few people who actually like me for me and not for the attention they can get from me.

Toxic friend relationships. Once again thankfully mostly ended in the seventh grade. I wanted to include this, but wasn't sure how flashbacks of her old life would affect the story, so I ultimately decided against it.

Six major food allergies. This was a super huge part of my life in fifth through seventh grade, literally I was only able to eat most vegetables and fruits it sucked. If you do struggle with allergies, I recommend looking into NAET treatment - it kind of like helps realign your nerves/muscles or something I don't know exactly but it's helped me be able to actually eat food after it.

Asthma (pretty self explanatory)

Patulous eustachian tubes. This is something that I do have; basically the tube things in my ears sometimes don't close when I'm breathing/whatever (there's a more science-y term on google I just know how it feels) so I can hear my heartbeat and breathing and talking in my ears and it gets super super annoying and is incredibly hard to close them so that it stops. I mentioned this, but I'm not exactly sure how to write it because it's really something you have to experience to understand, so I didn't do much more than just throw the name out there.

Weak joints. I've sprained a ton of joints just like Nikki; wrists, fingers, knees, ankles, all multiple times over (I have literally sprained at least a dozen ankles in my life, it s u c k s)

Major electrolyte deficiency. Once again I don't know how to explain it and I'm pretty sure it's fairly common, but basically I almost pass out like all the time because my body doesn't get/retain enough electrolytes to function properly so I have to basically chug electrolytes throughout the day.

Super thin skin. I again didn't really know how to write this, but for me it's just that every cut or whatever that I get takes forever to heal, shows up super easily, and always leaves a scar.

Mild eating disorder. It's not quite as bad as even Nikki's mild one is, but I have had a good deal of anxiety regarding eating and just not feeling like I'm allowed to eat by my brain a bunch.

Self harm. Like Nikki, my self harm habits aren't terrible, usually not a lot of cuts or anything and not super often, but they are present. Usually just scratching or something when I have panic attacks (which is embarrassingly often), but there are times when I will actually do it, though the max I have been able to stay clean for is ten days which I feel pretty good about, even though I've only reached that long once in the last couple months. (this part really really gave me a lot a lot a lot of anxiety to explain right here, so peeps I know - I promise it's not as bad as you think, it usually is just scratching that's not super deep)

Thoughts of suicide. I have thankfully not attempted, but for the sake of the story I had Nikki attempt it.

Intrusive thoughts.

Extreme anxiety

Extreme depression

Anhedonia (emotional flatlining). I haven't felt an emotion or been able to cry since I was eleven years old so woohoo fun.

Aromantic asexual. This is actually my own romantic/sexual orientation. Like Nikki, my coming out didn't go super well; it wasn't quite as bad as I wrote hers ending, but I've still regretted it every day since. The aforementioned explanation for why I didn't make this a PeterxNikki fic is because of this, because Nikki is written to be me (as close as I could make it so that the story would work too). I wanted to include and pack in as many of my own experiences and things as I could, thus why I did not write any relationships. (Also I have literally no clue how to write them I ain't got the foggiest idea on how they work or anything)

Autism. I actually am autistic - diagnosed when I was thirteen and while it definitely presents a lot of struggles and feelings of inadequacy, it also provides unique experiences and viewpoints.

Trust issues (having two therapists quit on you right after you started trusting them will do that to you. Also used by friends)

Plantar fasciitis. I struggled with this in my foot for several months mostly in my seventh grade year; I had to wear the weird brace thing on my foot mentioned in the early parts of this story for a while, and it still comes back and bugs me sometimes

There was so much more I wanted to include in this story that I wasn't able to. For example, the scene in the medbay, as I think I've said a couple times already, was the one that started this entire story. I had so many ideas on how to lead up to it, all of which I wanted to write. There were a ton of little tidbits and pieces of conversation I wanted to include, but was unable to include. But that being said, thank you for reading this trashy writing, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day/night!

If any of you guys have questions about me/the story/honestly just whatever, please message me or ask in the comments, I'd be happy to answer them/do a Q&A if there gets to be enough!