Therapy session.

Maybe its better this way

—————————- P.S.A ——————————-
This part of the story contains self harm, abuse, and mentions of suicide and more, by reading, your are okay with it.

ALSO sorry if this chapter is quick, or drabbled on about, I felt lazy and next chapter- or lifetime, it will be in more detail.

Like they always say, maybe it's better this way, right? The healing was hard. I was over cleaning, I couldn't sleep. It hurt, when the playing on a Computer was forever, I also started overproducing content, I couldn't shower and when I did I did it with a single bottle of dish soap- and I started missing school chronically. I went to online but when even when I did I wouldn't go. I started having visits with my mom, it wasn't easy, don't get me wrong. Not at all, I think it was getting bad when my dad moved back- I never met him. And all I knew about him was from my mom saying he was a bad man. Right? I stopped writing at the end of 4th grade. I had lost motivation, my grandparents bought me and my sister a bunk bed and then 5th grade had started. It's all a blur, and it's gonna hurt. I had a police investigation about Emily, saying that he was a 58 year old man in Australia hurt me badly, in February 2020 at a visit at my moms my friend Emma contacted me saying she was lesbian and asked me out, I found out I was bisexual and we started dating, our relationship wasn't the best, toxic. More too it, the first day of 5th grade I ran away from our school because I couldn't find my own bus. I met my step siblings, dj, Spencer, and Layla in December 2019. It was nice, and I became close with Spencer.

When 5th grade started, I went to a new school. I started getting a messy room, I would wake up at 3 am with school starting at 8 and still show up late, I wouldn't go to my speech improvement place, I stopped doing anything. I hated life, I knew nobody at my new school, so what was the point, well soon enough after burnout had let me up even a little bit I felt better, I started going back up in around December 2020-2021. Everybody would fight everyday, I graduated speech at the end of 5th grade, and I ended up passing somehow, me and Emma officially  broke up because we were in a poly relationship but she still cheated, which was forgiven and forgotten at most. Everything was okay, but we all knew that 6th grade was gonna get worse, right? At the start of 6th grade I was staying up again and getting no sleep, my grandparents found a new house for us to live in and were late to pick up, and since I have attachment issues I thought they left me, I never forgave them. we were still friends, and chronically hung out, the 2020 affect hit me hard.

6th grade hit sooner and faster and me and my teacher rapidly became close, she was like a mother too me and I was her favorite. I started skipping school again, and my teachers gave me anxiety, one threatened to call a principal over me not having a pencil and asked me why k was crying when I broke down. I wasn't happy about that, besides that, it was all a blur and I met two girls named nyomi and Zoey, who I love very much. Soon enough, I started dating Zoey, we hung out a bunch all together at my place. We had lots of fun, sneaking out and such, even in the summer, when I was busy. In August 2022, the summer before 7th grade, I was bringing Spencer to the fair with me for the 2nd time. He called me annoying since he wanted to hang out with his friends instead of me for the first time- and for a minute everything clicked, he's growing up, and I don't matter anymore. It didn't take me long time to leave him, it didn't matter. I'm leaving to another state for a week or two tomorrow. Fuck him, right? I felt mad at the time. How dare he grow up lol- later on, after a few tears he asked me if I want to go on a ride with him to which I declined, I have myself. I left for another state that night, thought about it for a week, that was the night I changed to never trust him again.

7th grade started, little did I know that this was the last time I'd be the person I was, I met this man named Vic, he was nice but he changed his name every once In a while, which is okay. I also got accepted into 7th grade student council and got to decide what happens for middle school there. In September 2022 I became more depressed and attempted suicide, no one found out ever though- as I started healing from it me and Vic became close, in October 2022 Zoey texted me and argued with me about something personal, I forgave her and we made up along with nyomi. We all went to a dance and had fun, me and Zoey distanced though, which is normal and healthy. We never made up definitely though. In November I fell in love with a boy named Milo, who i didn't even know that well, I was obsessed with him, which wasn't good. As I started to grow more, me and Milo became closer and I found out he had a girlfriend to which I instantly backed off, I have respect.

I started doing self harm as things became worse, it was the way the blood ran down my arms, it was just a little circle every once in a while during December, right? This is just temporary, pain is forever temporary. Non but one of my cuts had scarred and that ones on my left wrist, it hurt.
This was the place I grew up, now it's all ashes. I thought, oh well. Me and Spencer slowly stopped hanging out, his mom came back and I'm happy for him, but I do miss being here and listening to him, I want to care for others, I thought. In April 2023, I was clean since January but my papa decided to yell at me really harsh and I ran to my room and smashed my mirror then attempted with it again, but it just never works, I was fine, it didn't scar. In may 2023, I started going live on tiktok and making many people happy. My papa started yelling more and more. I started skipping school again.

At the end of may they took me out of school to go another state to seek my family again, it was the peak of my life, I loved it, it saved me from that horrid of being in 7th grade. I'm free for 3 months, during June 2023 I met this beautiful boy named Jed. We started dating, and ever since we have. He healed me. Maybe this is another time for life, but more, the reason I met him.. I met a boy named Vinny back in April 2023. I don't talk about him, because we only messaged for a week or so. But he saved me more than anyone else, I talked to him in the day of my relapse, we talked for hours on end playing Minecraft and shit- I miss those days, I miss Vinny. But he gave me a gift I can never give back, my boyfriend. sometimes I wanna message Vinny.. but his last messages scare me sometimes . What a gift to be, what a life I'm going to continue with this- to continue with. Thanks to him, I have a life to continue.

But anyways, what is happiness without pain? My dad had moved in with my stepsiblings into my old home, and ever since 8th grade begin he had been harsh on me, and he admits it too. He told me he's most harsh on me, he'd tell me that I'm annoying, that I'm the problem. The sad part is.. I just want to be his child. Not a problem. Why am I a problem that I ask questions at my papa every once in a while? It's painful. I am a problem, I accept it. It's okay, I guess. Everyone needs time. Even my dad, I feel bad because every time he hurts me I can't help but cry but it's not because I'm hurt, it's more because I see him as my dad- the dad that's also hurting, it's his first time living too, who am I too judge? He's only hurt. my dad, I love so much, even if he hurts me. I told Spencer about it, he called me sensitive, wow.

Near mid 8th grade (December 2023) for Christmas I painted a picture for him, he hugged me. Somehow I always cry whenever he hugs me. The last time I cried over him it was simply because he yelled at me for wearing a "revealing" dress to my sisters birthday, I didn't have enough time to change because she was at a party and I was baking her cake and her favorite for 4 hours, along with cleaning the whole kitchen for my stepsiblings and DJs girlfriend, I didn't eat any of the cake I had made or barely any of the food I made that night, I am not enough. Well, besides that, on New Year's Eve I accidentally smashed a glass on my head, it didn't break but I went to get ice since it slightly hurt and he noticed, I told him what happened and my grandma overheard and only asked if it broke. I paused and said yes- I quickly went downstairs and cried, I just want to be cared for, not only to know if something broke, I wanna be cared for, I love my grandma but that hurt. I wanna be loved like any other child, right?

Soon enough after I finished crying I went upstairs and my dad said "she does that to me, it's okay I understand." I broke down in his arms, I'm not used to love. And fora a moment I took it all in, why did I never get this love? Am I not love able? Maybe this is the reason I'm to scared to love anyone, to scared to open up and give anyone the treat I never got as a child by my own mom. Later on she apologized and started talking about my mom. We never talk about my mom anymore, not after July 2023 because she said she was gonna kill my grandma on recording, after that she pulled all the visits, I been much better ever since luckily, after laying in bed I realized, this is the night I finally start my 3rd lifetime, the 1st one, was pain, the second was healing, and now the third one is love, I will be better, have self respect, and I'll be new, I am free, I remind myself- I won't let depression get to me, just because I'm closed off means nothing anymore. I'm done being depressed, I'm happy to be me, I'm proud of myself, to be me, to be Tallie powers, to be my dads child, to be the essence of my parents, to be the love of myself, I am myself, and from now on I am ready to heal forever, welcome Tallie powers, and at the same time goodbye Tallie powers, we'll miss you. Make sure to log in next time okay sweets? Goodbye childhood memories, have fun fading away, from the time of collect bullets and rocks and papa yelling at you to the time of hanging out with Macy Morgan and Maddie, I'll miss you, but it's all a memory that needs to be gone.