Therapy session.

In another life

Some people say I'm comforting, or that I remind them of the color purple. I don't really ever get it, personally I've never been comforted. From the times I've been bleeding in my room (too which my grandparents never found out), or something like that. no one was ever there for me, so I see no point in treating someone the way I've been treated before. Anyway, lately I've been really odd. It's like I'm not me within itself. When people say I remind them of the color purple, it's usually the people who used to hate me. That's why I never hate people, people always have a reason for the way they act. you can't blame others for that when you are just a human within itself, it's kind of sad. As you sit alone, in the dark, it starts to look like a realm, like your own world. That's what my grandma once told me, and as I think of it. She's right, everyone leaves. All you have is yourself. Now that I think of it, I don't speak much of the memories. It's almost like there not their within, no matter where I am. I remember. Like when today I was in my history class and my teacher yelled at me for not working, all I can think of is how my mom would force me to do everything. e v e r y t h i n g. I sometimes think, why did I not say anything? Why don't I think of myself? But for when death takes my hand, I will always hold the earth and its core with my other as I pass away.

I usually always end up losing myself and the sense of time. Growing up all I ever wanted was love and gathering hands all over me. I hate touch now, it kind of hurts sometimes. Anyways, recently things have been getting better, oddly enough. The thinngs that have been happening right now would have cut me down long ago, somehow im not down on the ground dead. Maybe in another life i am. I sometimes wish i could explain things better, even in the writings i explain i forget stuff, my dad has been better eith me, and i have a new boyfriend. I sometimes miss my ex but then I remember what i didnt get from him; the bare minimum. Im happy where i am, i love doing his sisters makeup and having dance parties with her and i love looking at his baby pictures with his mom. But sometimes i get sad, why couldnt i have had this before? Little me had no idea what love was. Its like a sword that wrenches your guts everytime you breathe in the happiness you have waited years for, sayjng that you do not deserve what you get in life. Its like when those popular girls whisper about you in the hallways and you cant do anything but stay quiet.

Whenever im in class i cant help but write extra stuff. I get so mad and i bottle to much up and its gotten so bad one time i exploded and wrote 20,000 words in 30 minutes, and it was all because i know i gave too much to someone who didnt deserve it, somebody i knew would destroy me. Its like working for something you know you wont get, its not even worth it. It gets so bad sometimes i wish i was tallie again. I used to look outside a specific window and watch them build the house next too me. I thought it was a shop. Sometimes i wish people thought the same as me, its kind of sad not many people think this way. Some people think im the villian but even i am truthfully after all, its not easy being the villian in your own story, were all in truth just working against the greater evil. Its always the people you least expect, salt looks exactly like sugar, sometimes it hurts knowing i knew this longer. I used to be told i grew up to fast; that i know better than most kids my age. but you just have to rely on yourself, thats truth. Sometimes i wish i just uttered that out to people so they could actually believe me and my feelings about others that turned out to be bad. I wish i wasnt a l i a r.

My teachers told me i am kind, ever since they met me in 7th grade i had always been described as serene; or that i gander out the window before summer hits in the usually cold captivating winter. They always said that, atleast. But in true words it was the exact opposite, i am no person in being quiet and serene. I suffer from an eon of thoughts. Even if silence would be appreciated. I often walk into the school at 8:15 as my head spins as i look around the usually lucent campus. I walk to health, i see my boyfriend. He makes my days better, hes so ethereal. But the euphoria doesnt last forever, i hear mumurs everywhere i go. I walk to my english class "ps, psst" the popular "notable" student professes behind me. Its all you can ever hear in a public setting. I wish silence was more prevalent. Too bad, i guess. Soon enough, i reach lunch. Im more rather angusihed after lunch, because righr after my 4th hour, which is already total shit. I reach my algebra class, most kids cant help but splutter when they are in algebra. Making her yell, and most of them call my algebra teacher racist. But the more you think she is teaching over 100 kids per day, id give her a break if i could. A popular kid sits behind me in the class too, but he describes me as nice. He also says i apologize to much. But whats wrong with that? All i can think of, instead of the vital information of something i wont even use in my future, is mourning. Its quote odd, i always have thought of it as odd. I think of how i wish i could elucidate to people that things matter, things happen. Your not perfect. No one wouldve listened either way. The way i could explain that im not mean, i just give people looks as if they are a bottle of poision; HATE HATE HATE HATE. In reality i dont really hate people, i always thought this way. Not even mother.

As soon as i step out those school gates i feel like casper the friendly ghost, all the yelling. All the flopping of chairs by my own siblings and the mumurs to self. Im here; for myself, after all, vic moved. I put on headphone when i shower, the screaming in my head is never replaced. Its like being in a haunted house, only im the ghost. Your head is pounding and heart is thumping when you get out, "why cant you just be normal?" I think as i wash my face, when actually its "why cant my family be normal?" I dont like feeling playing clash of clans whenever i walk into my supposedly "safe" home from stefanie. I usually get into bed, or that's what i like to say. I usually never sleep. Sometimes im doing makeup when i dont sleep. People say i look beautiful without makeup but i dont do it to feel better about myself, its too cover who i once was. I despise my old self. When i picture myself i think of tallie standing in a wreckage of her own tears and flesh and i watch the fiery flames, which it sometimes remimds me of my nightmares. Other than makeup i call ryden, my love. Im not the lovey type, never have been. Never after that man. Sometimes i take a paper and try to paint pain i feel but i find the paper empty and the paint brush still in the water cup because i cant find it in myself to describe how ive always felt. I always hated how stefanie acts, i always think "dont set me on fire then act like your the one burning" but she never did learn.

When i try to sleep, i think a lot. About my future, How do i become a psychologist if im a failure? Those teachers and parents who say "this wont slide in 9th grade" its all i hear. Be quiet. Or how my dad signed his rights over, im still sad about that. The only way you can make me cry is by hiving some one else my own pain. You just dont know. I sleep as nightmares fill up, i had recently had my last middle school band concert and i got to read and im infamous at my school so i had tons of recordings. It had happened just like real life, the music, the seating. All of it was the same except for the way the auditorium was. My Real Life audiotoriam is like any one youd see in a show or a movie. Tons of seats, stairs to the main part of the room, lights. But this one was like a circle, with very detailed walls that looked like panels and it was dark but still had the same lights my irl one does. After the concert went on and everyone left i someway fell asleep, i woke up but about halfway through the circle i talked about, way farther than where i was seated. I sat up and checked my phone. It was charged and i called my grandparent. I couldnt get a call through, i had many calls though so i wondered why my phone didnt go through. I tried grtting out the doors but it was so dark i started to panic cause im scared of the dark, a little reminder is i recognized this because it looked so like my actual school, the creepy thing is it felt like it too. What i mean is my school is over 100 years old and is haunted and our auditorium is the main old part, i started hearing sounds too. Sounds are way scary to me as well, so hid and tried ignoring everything. About an hour later i started hearing it louder and soon enough saw a demon looking figure trying to find me, threatened i got scared and called my grandma.
Still. No. Pickup. I tried the door again and it broke our window and got out but soon i realized it no longer looks like my school. Its more of a mall mixed with an aquarium. I ran down and asked a random creepy girl where the exit was, she told me and v told her everything. It started catching up to me. it also asked the girl where i was and she told the truth, i barely made it out the exit. I called my grandma and got out. I sometimes still wonder why i have nightmares about my school.

I wake up, i wish i hadnt. Just another day, another nightmare. Maybe in another life i eont duffer like i do now. As i get ready, doing my makeup, i smile, i act happy. I've realized after 4th grade my normal self was too scary to ithers so i became a mirror, a act. Now the seats are empty. The show is over, why do i still act? But some thoughts are left unattended. More screaming, its all i hear now. Life is cruel, yet i decide to be kind. Its hard, some say im too nice. Ive been through too much to inflict my pain to others. Its a knife in my heart if i do so. As i get too school thoughts fill me in, why dont i walk out, the cage is open, you can walk out anytime. Why dont i? School is like going through the motions. Im just there, maybe in another life im glad to be there. That studf will fly in highschool. Atleast i like too think. Signing off, goodbye good friend.