A Little Death

XXXVII

'Good job, Skyler!' Allon turns around to find me pinned to the floor by a girl probably a fourth of me, as soon as he turns around to take a call, I turn her around pressing her to the floor, with her face on it. I hold her arms behind her back.

'Let me go.' I slide my hands up her thigh. 'NO- NOO- BAD JOSHUA! BAD JOSHUA-' I slap her mouth close as she tries to bite my hand. Allon hangs up on his call. I get off her and pull her up.

'That's all for today. See you next weekend.' He waves and leaves the arena. We get in our car and go home, discussing lunch on the way.

----------------------------------------------------

While I wash up and Skyler cuts up vegetables for our food, her phone rings. 

I hear her take a deep breath and a faint voice from the phone. I get out of the shower and put on my clothes. She's sitting in the bedroom, hugging her knees. 

She is ALSO wearing my hoodie. 'Skye?' She looks up with bloodshot eyes. 

'Joshua, I've been thinking.'

'That'd be a first, wouldn't it?'

'I can't do this.' 

'Thinking isn't that hard, just focus a little.' I mock her.

'I'm being serious, please listen to me. You've been here by my side for a long time now, and you've been amazing. But this isn't working out.' 

'What do you mean?'

'We're-,' her voice breaks, 'over. We're over, Joshua...' I stay silent for a while. 

'You're fucking kidding.'

'I'm sorry.' She bites her lip. I raise my hands in the air and she flinches. What have I done? Is this why she's breaking up with me? That must be it, I've done this to myself. I had it coming. Her lip starts bleeding. I wipe the blood from her lips with my thumb.

'Skye- I don't know what I've done- I- Don't do this.' A tear slides down her cheeks. 'It's not you, I promise. Please, just- don't.'

'It seemed okay this morning, Skye- Is someone threatening you?' She pauses, I can see something change in her eyes.

'No. It's just- This isn't working.'

'Skyler, look me in the eyes right now and tell me you mean it, that you're really done. Because I don't believe you.' I kneel down on the bed next to her. She looks into my eyes, tears flowing. Her lip trembles.

'I-', she inhales hard, 'I mean it.' My hands are shaking, something that hasn't happened for a long time now. 

'Okay, then.' She sobs harder. I feel the urge to wrap her in my arms and comfort her. But she's leaving me. She doesn't want me to. All I can do is tell her it's okay, that it doesn't affect me as much.

But it does, it hurts so much. The person I thought would never leave my life, the girl who made me feel alive is breaking up with me.

'Goddamnit, I've done so much for us.' I run my hands through my hair, she looks down, tears spilling onto the carpet. 'I killed for you. I don't know what I did for this to happen. Just tell me, I'll do what it takes to get you back.' 

'Joshua, it's not your fault.'

'THEN WHAT IS IT, SKYLER?' She hugs me, wrapping her arms around my back. Her face wetting my t-shirt. I run my hands through her thick hair, caressing it gently as she silently sobs. I feel her heavy, desperate breaths on my neck. 

'It's okay.' I tell her, knowing it's the opposite. I can't even bear to think about it.

'It's not, it's really not.' She sniffs, hardly able to form the words amidst her heavy but quiet sobs. She lets me go, wiping her own tears off. 

I've never let her do that when I'm in the same room.

'I'm sorry- Please-'

'It's okay, Skyler. What did I tell you about apologizing too many times?' She lets go of my hands and walks into the bathroom. 'I'll be back in a few hours and we can talk about living arrangements, okay?' I tell her, she nods silently before slamming the door shut.

I leave the building and get in my car. I need a break. This  is too much. I drive out of town, to the  empty field in the countryside. I get out of my car and make my way to flat land. I lie down and put my hands under my head.

I can't believe this, at all. I didn't want to lose her. I didn't think she would leave too.

Now I have to go back to my normal life. I have to go back to sitting alone in my apartment. How will I ever forget her?

Will I even be able to look at another girl again? It didn't hit me this hard when I broke up with Celia, or any other exes. This is different.

It's different because she was different. I don't know what I've done wrong. Maybe she wasn't lying to me, maybe this isn't about me. No, maybe I just wasn't her type. Maybe I was boring. 

Maybe I could do better. But if we get back together, I wouldn't know what to change, what more to do or what less to do.

I was falling. I let down my walls. 

I should've learnt about that from before. It's the one lesson I need to keep in mind. Don't let the walls down, don't get attached. 

I've done this to myself. This was my fault. 

Now who do I turn to? No one. I have no one now.

I was getting used to having someone, after so long of picking myself off my bed for another day of work. I have to go back to that old routine, finding something else to entertain myself with that I will slowly grow bored of and start hating.

My thoughts are interrupted by the whirring of the engine of a bike, it halts to a stop. The figure of a woman walks across the fields, slowly moving, hands clutching her arm. She stops far from me and disappears into the tall grass, sitting.

Someone else here is going through something. I guess that gives me a little more comfort. 

I sit up, looking at the stars. I don't know why I'm here. I always assumed if something like this happened, I'd go get her myself. I'd go do whatever was needed to ensure she was still with me. 

But it doesn't matter. If she isn't happy, it doesn't matter if she's with me. I hope she finds someone who'll love her and will be everything she needs. 

Who the fuck am I kidding, I'm gonna go get her whether she likes it or not. I pick up my car keys and leave, the unknown woman gets up too. 

'Joshua.'

'Skye?' How didn't I notice it was her? She looks down. 

'Didn't see you. I only saw you as you stood up.'

'Neither did I.' I stay silent for a while, looking at her. 'You're a terrible liar.' 

She smiles a little, the moon making her beautiful features glow. 'I was just getting up to kidnap you.'

'I expected that.'

'Second chance?'