A Little Death

XXXVIII

'Second chance?'

'I don't think so, Joshua.' It takes everything in me to say that instead of getting on my knees and begging him to forgive me.

I hate her for making me do this. I hate Clarisse so much, she picked the one thing she knew that would crush the both of us the most and forced me to do it. But the repercussions of not following her... I know she's gonna do something horrible, she'd cleared that much. 

Part of me doesn't care. The rest of the world can go to hell if I could stay in this night with him forever. But she could hurt Kris, she could do something to someone I love. She knows everything about me. And I know she's not afraid to use it against me.

I hate it. It's not like the other times when my father's friends had every single piece of information about me. Clarisse knows what can break me.

She's done exactly what can break me. She's done exactly that. Made me leave the man I loved, someone who made me feel human. Someone who made me feel like I was breathing.

But it's gone now. 

I can still restore it. Somehow. I can do it, I'll find a way.

But I can't kill her. I can't kill the person who raised me, who helped me through every up and down of my childhood life. Someone who handled me as a fussy baby, took care of my problematic tween tantrums and took every mood swing my early teenage self threw at her. 

I can't bring myself to think about it, even when she's doing something that makes me feel like I'm being held underwater and not granted death.

The cuts on my arms are fresh, like the tears streaming down my cheeks. Like the night air I could've enjoyed with Joshua if I wasn't about to have a mental breakdown right here.

I've hurt him. Will he ever look at me the same way ever again? I don't want to think about it. It was the best time of my life with him. It sucks that it's ending after such a short amount of time. I can't force myself to process it. It hurts too much.

I want to give in. To cry in his arms. I want him to hold me and tell me it's alright. I want to bury my head into his chest like he always lets me. 

But I don't want to think of the consequences, if I did that, it would be selfish of me. I could risk the life of someone I love dearly. Or, I could risk his life.

I would rather see him with another woman than dead, every time I'm given a chance.

I would go through this pain a million times over if I had to either do that or he die. I would rather die.

I hope he can see I'm being forced to do this. Even if it means he was never attached to me, I would make him suffer less. 

He's suffering because of me. It would be a lot better if I never entered his life at all, he would be happier. 

But right now, I'm looking at him standing in front of me and I can't run into his arms. I can't beg him for forgiveness, I can't take him back. 

Maybe someday I can. No, someday I WILL. But right now, I have to deny it. Tell him there can't be anything between us.

Joshua's POV

'I don't think so, Joshua.' I should just take her. But I'll give her a month or two to see if she comes back to me. 

I sigh and walk away, back to my car. 'Can I come with you?'

What is she trying to do? Why would she break up with me if she wants to be with me all the time. Maybe she IS being threatened. Why wouldn't she tell me? She knows I'm potentially the most dangerous man in the entire city. 

Everything was okay before she got that phone call.

No, she's looked me in the eyes and told me she means it. I can't believe it, I'm lying to myself.

'Yeah, sure. Come on.' I load her bike into the back seat. She sits in the passenger seat, next to me. I back out of the field and turn to the highway. The silence stings my ears, so I turn on the radio, the volume high enough to distract me.

I can see her from my peripheral view. She's perfect. She's all I need. I hate that this is happening.

I feel so far from her yet we're sitting so close. I could reach out and seat her on me, placing little kisses on every part of her skin left uncovered. But I can't. I won't.

We finally reach home. Like the drive, the elevator ride is silent. She goes to the bedroom to sleep, and I take the couch.

It's been so long since I've had to sleep alone. I feel like there's something missing without her wrapped around me. I can't sleep without her touch on my arms.

I twist and turn the whole night, not able to catch a wink of sleep. I should be clutching her, wrapping my arms around her waist as she scratches her nails at me to tell me to to let her go, but finally giving in. But I'm sleeping on the couch. Like the first time she stayed the night at my apartment. 

This time, it isn't the start of something beautiful. It's the end of it. But I still have hope. 

I can fix this. 

Apparently, Skyler feels the same about not being able to sleep because it's probably the 50th time I've heard the bedroom door unlock, but this time she isn't sneaking into the kitchen or the bathroom. She walks to the couch and lies down next to me.

She probably thinks I'm asleep, so I play along. She pulls my heavy arms around her waist and puts her hands above my shoulders. She knows I'm a heavy sleeper, I probably wouldn't wake up if I was sleeping. But I didn't sleep at all.

I decide to surprise her and pull her as close as I can to my body. It's dark, but I know she's probably flushing as I position my legs around hers.

'You're still awake? Oh, did I wake you up?'

'No.'

'I'll leave.'

'Don't. Skye. Don't leave.' She probably thinks I'm talking about her leaving the couch. 

I'm talking about her leaving my life. 

Actually, I think I'm talking about both. She hesitates a bit, but stays put.

'Can I ask you a question?'

'Yeah.'

'Is it- Do you like someone else?'

'Of course not. I could never- You are-' She stops and exhales. 

'It's okay. I don't need to know more.'

I couldn't ever take her from someone else. If she liked anyone else, I couldn't take her. But if she hated me, I wouldn't mind stealing her from the world and keeping her with me. 

I wrap the blanket around her.