Everything About You

Shine A Light (or LED Squip)

Trigger warning: Depression, nothing else too bad I don't think?

Don't follow Jeremy's lead, talk to someone, anyone, if you need or want to <3

JEREMY:

Shuffling and profusely wiping his eyes and nose, Jeremy followed the Squip's directions with a hollow inside. He knew if he let himself feel he would collapse into a despair he would not recover from; he was just so tired.

He was lazy, everyone else could handle life, but he didn't even have the energy to properly berate his own lack of energy. He just wanted to stop everything, to rest.

Jeremy, this is not a personal fault, you are actively ill right now.

-Everyone's got problems S—s-

Jeremy couldn't bring himself to think the name aloud.

You are not to blame for these feelings Jeremy, you are genuinely sick.

Whatever, he just needed to power through.

What you are experiencing is a common feeling for someone with a major depressive disorder, Jeremy, you need to get professional help.

-Can't afford that S—squi-

It was as though his mind believed saying it would make it real, would make it stronger by bringing it to the forefront of his mind.

Your father will find the money if it means he doesn't lose his son, Jeremy.

Jeremy shrugged, turning when the Squip gentling prodded his shoulder. He didn't care if he got hit, if he didn't make it home, but he couldn't bring himself to attempt it himself again. He was just so tired, and he felt so guilty, if he wasn't looking and something happened, he couldn't be faulted for that now could he?

Jeremy I am not letting you walk into traffic, you are going to go home and talk through your feelings with a trusted adult or friend.

-You sound like a medical self help website-

Jeremy, I am a literal computer, I do not have experience with emotional turmoil.

-Right, you cause mental illness, not cure it-

Treat is the proper vernacular, and I am—I'm sorry.

Jeremy's eyes bulged, and while he was silent for a moment, eventually he let a sly smile creep out his face. The Squip was apologising? Perhaps—likely, Jeremy reminded himself—not all that sorry, but apologising.

-What was that Sq—sir? I don't believe I caught that- Jeremy thought the words with a tissue thin veneer of innocent curiosity.

The Squip sighed beside him before folding his hands earnestly before himself, turning toward him and halting both boy's progress down the street. Jeremy's smirk had fallen off at the sombre expression the Squip wore.

Jeremiah Heere, I am sorry for the incorrect steps and lengths I went to, to accomplish what I now realise was not your goal, but mine.

-That was surprisingly convincing- Jeremy felt a little more alive as he turned away from the supplicatory Squip with a weak grin. He was going to go home. He wouldn't think about the rest, wouldn't even wake up tomorrow morning. He could explain himself when he wasn't tired.

This isn't a physical exhaustion Jeremy, and I am sorry.

Jeremy felt as though he were floating above all himself, as though he were remotely controlling his body. If he got home, got to bed, he could give up his control, give up everything for the night, he didn't even care that the Squip could be controlling him, could be plotting.

Jeremy, my purpose is to help you achieve your goals, but I was still learning then, I understand now... I made several errors. Squip sighed beside him. I just want to fix things Jeremy.

And then what? What would the next step be? Would the Squip disappear? Jeremy didn't believe for a second Squip would allow himself to be made obsolete... and yet, he already sort of had.

Jeremy wasn't 'cool' but he was more chill, he had friends, got over Christine and made a friend in her as well. Squip had completed the goal Jeremy had bought the thing for.

Jeremy, I disagree with my being referred to as a thing, despite being a computer, I do have a consciousness.

-Leave me alone brain chip-

Jeremy pulled himself up the steps to his front door. He didn't remember at all how he had gotten home, so he supposed he had the Squip to thank for not getting lost, really it was the very least of what that sociopathic iphone could do for him.

Jeremy, I need you to promise me you're going to discuss your feelings with another person.

-Or what?- Jeremy thought snarkily, before remembering exactly who he was talking to. He braced, breath shortening as he stood on his doorstep. He couldn't bring himself to enter.

Jeremy I am not going to go about this the same way I did before, it is obvious that my methods had a negative effect on you in more ways than one.

Jeremy sighed. -I can't tell anyone, I can't talk about this, they'll think I'm ungrateful, I'm exaggerating as an excuse, that I'm just looking for pity forgiveness-

Once he was sure there was no shock coming, Jeremy entered his house, sticking a thumbs up through the entrance to the living room where his father lounged. Hiding his face on the other side of the wall, he pulled away and began dragging himself up the stairs.

"How was Michael?" His father asked after him absentmindedly.

"Pretty good, thanks for letting me hang out with my friends Dad, I'm gonna head to bed" Jeremy hoped his father didn't hear the lingering stuffiness or tears in his voice.

Flopping onto his bed with the door shut tight, Jeremy curled his legs to his chest. The Squip was finally silent. Folding in on himself like a crumpling tissue, Jeremy felt the heat and pressure of fresh tears, his nose ached as blood rushed to his face. Stuffing his comforter into his mouth, he bit down and slowly released a built up sob. It came out like a keening whine.

Jeremy, you need to get help.

Jeremy was silent, he curled tighter, tucked his head in and squeezed his closed eyes until they twitched and fluttered. Blocking the smooth, once-persuasive voice from his mind, he continued to whimper into his mouthful of fabric.

Jeremyyyyy.

-You don't understand, they'll judge me- He snapped, biting down on his gag until his jaw ached. -They can't know, it would change everything-