State Of Grace

Chapter 46 - Would've Could've Should've

Her fingers pulled at loose threads around a hole in the armchair she sat in. The gray fabric was fraying all over, but the most wear was on the armrests, where countless kids sought something to do with their hands.

Dr. Ellis' office wasn't anything special, but it was much nicer than the hall they used for group therapy. The walls were painted a clean white, and the lights weren't too harsh, but the furniture was outdated and beginning to fall apart. Just like she was.

"Maybe we should start with what happened that day, with your birth father and Jasper."

Gracie sighed at the sound of his name, her family had been avoiding saying it all week unless Gracie brought him up first. "We've tried this a million times. I told you, there are parts I still don't remember, parts I don't want to remember. It's all jumbled. I don't know what you want from me. He's dead, what else is there to say?"

"Well, why don't we start with what happened that day? Just before, do you remember?" Dr Ellis asked.

Stella and Lilah had been urging Gracie to open up, just like they had after what Rachel did, and she'd been trying, but she couldn't untangle the sequence of events let alone how it left her feeling. When she tried to piece it all together, everything was out of order and tinted with red.

"You were at school for a test right? And Greg drove you home."

Gracie nodded, remembering how relaxed she was in the company of her family before he arrived. "He didn't say anything on the drive back, and I'm pretty sure he was sober. I mean, he was hungover, but he was hungover every day. So, we got back and he went to his office and I went upstairs. I went to Jasper's room because I heard him crying, and I thought he was still mad at me because I was winding Greg up all week."

"Why were you winding him up?"

"I was trying to get him to slip up and get mad at me. I needed something to tell the judge so he wouldn't get custody of me or Jasper. But I didn't think Greg would take his anger out on him instead of me. But when I went into Jasper's room and saw his face, I knew Greg had hit him and it was my fault."

"How was it your fault?"

"I had suspected that Greg was hitting him for a little while, but Jasper told me over and over again that I was wrong. Sometimes I believed him, other times I wasn't so sure. He finally admitted the truth that day."

"You didn't tell anyone of your suspicions, and that's why it was your fault?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Because I had no proof, and I didn't want to betray Jasper if it turned out I was wrong. But I should have said something sooner. The second I saw his face, and realized I was right, I knew I had to do something. So I told Jasper to lock himself in his room and I went downstairs. I yelled at Greg for what he had done, told him he was going to jail, told him I was calling Anita."

"That's when he took your phone?"

Gracie nodded, "I knew he could retaliate, get violent with me. But I had to stand up to him. Or... I thought I had to. We should have just left. This is where it gets... I don't know... hazy?"

"Take your time."

She took a deep breath, "He was standing between me and the door, he had my phone, he had the power. I told him to give it back and he started going on about how he hoped having me around would somehow fix Jasper. I should have learned, after Amber, I should've known that it's better to back down. But all the stuff he was saying, I couldn't take it. I wasn't even trying to get a reaction out of him anymore, I had what I needed to make sure Jasper and I could be safe, but I just got so mad."