State Of Grace

Chapter 51 - Cardigan

Over the next few days, Gracie continued to talk Dr. Hastings through the whole sequence of events. The further along she got, the more tears came streaming down her cheeks and the more she scolded herself for it, but he assured her over and over again that it was okay and he never seemed to get sick of it.

Slowly, she started to let herself feel without putting herself down, somehow it only resulted in a panic attack rather than her breaking into a million pieces like she'd imagined. She'd cry, wail even, and there wasn't an ounce of judgment coming from Dr. Hastings.

Once he had all the context he needed, the real work began. Gracie was asked to recount parts of the story again, but this time he wanted to know what was going through her head at each step, how she felt then versus now. Then he wanted to know how she felt about the girl whose name she still couldn't bring herself to say.

Gracie still struggled to talk about Rachel, she could tell him what she did in broad terms, but the small details were harder to discuss, and talking about their relationship before the camping trip, before running away, was impossible. Sharing private details somehow felt like a betrayal, to herself but to Rachel too.

Something else that started to help were the various medications Dr. Hastings prescribed to Gracie, something new for her anxiety to help with the intrusive thoughts and something for her PTSD.

"Will I have to take these for ever?" She asked as she stared at the handful pills she took at bedtime, her new prescriptions, anti-biotics her leg injury, and her nightly sedative.

"You only have a few more days left of the anti-biotics, and Dr. Hastings wants to start weening you off the sedative soon."

Gracie swallowed the handful, dreading the day they took away her sleeping pills. "And the others?" She asked.

"You'll be on them for at least a few months, then it'll depend on what your therapist thinks and how your recovery is going."

A few days later, Holly, Gracie's physiotherapist, arrived surprised to see Gracie waiting in her wheelchair by the window instead of in her bed. She smiled brightly, she always smiled brightly. Gracie used to be drawn to people like that, but lately, it took more than a bubbly personality to bring any sort of emotion out of her.

"Are you ready to start?" She asked.

Gracie nodded and turned to let Holly begin stretching out her weakened leg.

"Did they change the dressing today?" Holly asked.

"Yes," Gracie replied, her voice still sounding foreign.

"Oh wow, it's nice to hear your voice finally," Holly beamed as she put Gracie's leg down and crossed the room, "Do you think we can give this another try?" She held out the pair of crutches that had been left beside her bed.

She stared at the crutches and forced tears back into her eyes, she shook her head and turned to look back out the window, "No."

"Gracie, there's only so much I can do to help you now, you have to help yourself too," Holly stepped closer and positioned each crutch beside the armrests of the wheelchair, "I know it's scary, and it'll take work," she took the handles of the wheelchair and turned Gracie back to face her, "But if you want to get better you have to try," she put each of Gracie's hands on the handholds of each crutch, but Gracie jerked away, squeezing her arms tight to her chest.

"I said no!" She strained her voice.

"Gracie," Holly tried one last time to put Gracie's hands on the crutches, so Gracie grabbed one of them and threw it across the room, knocking over and shattering a jug of water on the nightstand. Her teeth clenched together as she tried to keep the tears at bay.