Redemption of Faith

Chapter 1: Coping

Reid could still hear the ring of the gunshot that took her away. It was only a moment consisting of 5 seconds, still it had such a strong pull on everything of his existance that it felt like time stood by. Taking time from work definitely helped not being forced to look his collegues in the eyes and try to put up a brave face. On the other hand he felt like he was drowning in his own sorrows, no reasonable thought being able to enter his mind. He could only hear the gun going off. He could only see Maeve lying there, unmoving. Not being able to move ever again. Gone.
And no mather how many fake scenarios he renders to himself, how many probabilities he goes through, it will never change the fact she is gone. And it shouldn't effect him this much, right? He only saw here once. He only knew her for 100.5 days. This is not him. He doesn't get unfocused because of a girl. He could always do his work before. Well, until now.
Garcia coming by and saying a few loving words definitely helped, but he couldn't bring himself to even see her or take the gift baskets in. He just stayed in the darkness of his apartment in the middle of the mess he made after coming home that horrible night. He remembers being angry. No. Not angry. Furious. Furios at himself, at the stalker, at his miserable life where nothing could go right for him. He remembers seeing his place as he stepped in, seeing everything in order, everything how it usually is and how it was during every second he knew Maeve. He remembers getting angrier and going to the shelves, throwing his beloved books, pages of knowledge and facts, scattering them all through his apartment.
Now he didn't even had the energy to pick any of them up, despite the fact he hated chaos. He could only pick one book up. Just the one. That precious one with her handwritten qoute.

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The days went by and not much has changed. He could focuse more, but getting up to work seemed so impossible after the past days. Every minute passing took him a mile away from the team, the BAU and his job. He started to think about his conversations with Maeve, a hobby he has favoured during the last couple of weeks. He got distracted however when he heard footsteps approaching. Not the usual ones. Not the ones from the apartments around his. It was a woman, judging from the high-heels. The steps became louder as they approached his front door. Then came a knock.
"Spence?" he heard JJ's voice. He couldn't help but smile. She lived far away from him and it was out of her way to work. It showed him how much she cared. "Are you okay?" He couldn't bring himself to answer, not having to talk for days. He heard, on the other hand, other footsteps and soon he could hear Garcia's babbling voice as they engaged in a chat with JJ. "Knock twice if you are concious" he suddenly registered that Garcia was talking to him so knocked twice as requested. "Is he gonna be okay?" asked Garcia. "Eventually. And he knows we are here for him" came the answer from JJ and not long after that, the two ladies left, leaving Spencer once again alone with his thoughts.
He pretty much spent his day walking about aimlessly in the apartment or sitting down on the couch hugging his book, the one thing left for him after Maeve. Morgan called him a few times, but he couldn't answer. It wasn't because he didn't want to talk to Derek. He was his best friend. A friend he could never have before. It was just hard to face and especially hard to answer the questions they were gonna ask: Is he alright? He couldn't answer, because he didn't know the answer himself. It was always so confusing for him to face these situations. He was always able to solve problems, answer difficult questions, because they relied on reason and logic. It was easy to know the facts, because everything is documented in books or written in articles. Feelings however are your own. And you have to face them alone. He hated the fact he couldn't cope easy. A 187 IQ should be enough to solve these kind of problems as well.
He pretty much spiraled about the same things. The gunshot, Maeve's voice and the void he felt where that important somebody used to be. Once again Morgan's call was that brought him back to reality, but this time it was about work. He could answer that. He could answer the questions about facts. That he knew. So he picked up. It felt good. He felt like himself again, but only for moment, since as soon as Morgan started to ask him how he felt he was faced with his void and darkness again. So he ended the call and fell back to the hole, he dug for himself and didin't stop digging ever since that night.

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He couldn't do this anymore. Pitying himself is not gonna bring Maeve back. But he missed her so much. She was the perfect girl for him. He didn't believe in destiny and fate, life was essentially a string of probable events, which happened or not and could be calculated any given moment. But knowing Maeve and slowly falling in love with her was not like any other event he could just explain to himself. So he gave a little space for chance, for fate. And now those small rooms in his mind were empty just like his heart. No. He shouldn't keep doing this. He needs to do something. Maeve deserves better. She believed in him like no one ever has and there are a lot of people who have to be saved. "At least them I could save" he thought "since I couldn't save her". So he stood up, searched for a map in the unruly apartment and started working on the case from an angle he knew the team wouldn't focus on. The angle he ususally worked on. He taped the map to the wall and started marking a few places then he suddenly stopped and looked up at his door. He quckly went out, picked up a basket from the pile Garcia has kindly brought up to him and took it inside. He smiled at the packs of nuts, knowing his friend wanted nothing more than to cheer him up with them. He chewed on the nuts and stood in front of the map again. God was it great to eat something.

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"That's it! I gotta tell them! Or... no I shouldn't. Should I? I should. Yeah. " Reid came to the conclusion that it was time to see his team, his friends face to face and tell them what he was able to figure out. Maybe it will help to solve the case and bring home someone alive and breathing. For Maeve. So he called up Garcia to ask where his team stationed at and grabbed a few of his stuff. Even though he didn't shave for a long time and let's not get into his showering routine at the moment, he felt ready enough, so he left in a hurry chasing after the team.

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He luckily arrived in time and the information helped, so the case got closed with a life spared. He was glad the woman survived. He was glad he came down. He didn't even realised that he already missed his job this much. It has always given him a sense of purpose but now it had a very different meaning as well. He could do this for her. For those who could still have what he can't. Who could return home relieved that the one they love are still there to hold, to touch and to love. Yes. This is what he is gonna do. He will focus on his job and save people to the best of his ability, so no one - if he could help it - would have to go through any of this. This is gonna be him forever. The lonely, strange Genious destined to be alone, saving others so they could have what he never will. Better than nothing.
That being decided, he asked the only people he knew would understand, his friends, to help restore the previous form of his flat. Them being there, every touch of theirs helped to see his place in a different light. To connect the books, the walls, the furniture to the people who were still there instead of the ghosts of the past. He knew it wasnt't over and that he probably never gonna be over it, but he felt more like himself more and more. A few cases, a few lives saved, maybe it will help. Maybe it will only be a small ache after a while. He could do this. He can heal. He can live. For her.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

So I know it is nothing much yet, but I promise its not all this gloomy and sad. Also a few chapters might be longer later on. Or shorter. Its not so figured out yet. Anyway reviews and comments are always appriciated and welcomed :D