****TRIGGER WARNING***
You stare in the mirror, all you can think is "you're so fat and ugly." You heard a knock on the door, "yeah. What is it?"
"Babe, it's Ashton. We need to talk," Ashton says. You sigh and open the door. You raise an eyebrow at him. He looked at you and said, "Come sit down with me please." You realized the worry in his voice, you knew something is wrong.
"Where are the boys," you ask.
"They went out" he paused for a moment and look you in the eyes when he took a deep breath "Y/n, I'm really sorry about all that has happened whilst on tour. I realize that this is a lot, and it all kinda sucks," you nodded not quite sure where he was going with this. "I love you so much. I need you to be honest with me right now, please don't lie to me. Do you want to go home and wait for the tour to end?" You looked down at your lap a messed with your fingers, you rubbed your thumb on the middle section of your other thumb and hard the skin turned red with a few seconds. You felt Ashton's hand on yours.
"I-I don't know ash."
He leaned in and kisses your forehead. "I love you, two weeks baby girl. Then we can go home together."
"Mmmh" you mumbled you realized just how tired you really were. Ashton must have noticed this too, because he scooted back to the headboard and pulled you with him, setting your head in his lap. He gently played with your hair and you soon fell asleep. When you woke up you looked at the clock, 12:00 AM. Ashton was fast asleep and Micheal in his own bed. You would have looked at your phone, but you really didn't want to. So you tucked yourself under the covers as swiftly as you could without waking Ashton. You realized you had failed at doing this when you saw Ashton's eyes flutter open and look down at you. "What's wrong?" He whispered.
"Nothing I just woke up and realized I was cold." You whispered back. Ashton responded with a nod then he tucked himself under the covers as well. He gently drew designs on your arms it felt good but you worried he would find fresh cuts, soon enough he did. He ran over them a couple of times, you reach your other hand over and placed it on his. "Please don't do this Ash, please don't," you whispered. You felt a tear escape from your eye. Ashton's head was still in the crook of your neck and you heard his whisper "why? You're so beautiful." Then you both drifted back to sleep.
The next morning as you woke up. Ashton was staring at you. He gently kissed your forehead making you smile. "Let's eat breakfast?" Ashton whispered, making it more of a statement than a question. You nodded slowly. Ana came into your head "skinny. skinny. You must be skinny. Your too fat, he doesn't love you fat. skinny. skinny!" she seemed to be screaming. You tried as hard as you could to ignore her, even though she was right. Ashton smiled when you nodded. You got out of bed and walked over to the mini-fridge and opened it, "okay so we have apples, yogurt, and peaches," you laughed. Ashton gave you a sideways smile, "okay I'll have some yogurt." You grabbed a yogurt and a peach.
After you ate you tried your hardest to push Ana out of your head. But you realized something, Ana was your head, she was never going to leave you alone because you can't leave yourself alone. Ashton and the boys had all gone to interviews for the day, you had had the option to go with them, but you needed some alone time. A week left of the tour, and the question of you going home was still on the table. You texted Ashton's mom (Anne Marie) just to check in on and see how Lauren and Harry (Ashton's younger siblings) where doing.
Anne Marie: Harry is doing great, always practicing drums, his team won their soccer games. He scored a goal in both games! Lauren is doing great as well, everyone is excited for you and Ash to come home!
You: That's great!! Tell Harry I say congrats! Can't wait to come home!! Missing Oz so much!! Love you!
You looked at the time on your phone, the boys would be back soon. But that didn't stop her from coming back.
"You fat whore! Why would you eat? You are killing me!" Ana said
"Go away! I hate you! I don't need you," you yelled.
"You don't need me? I'm your only friend! I care about you! I tell you the truth when no one else does" Ana said. "Kill yourself! They don't love you like they did, now they know you're a fuck up! Everyone knows!"
A single tear dripped down from your eye, several more following. They weren't because Ana was wrong, they were because she was right. You grabbed your phone and opened Twitter. You then tweeted
"I'm sorry loves, but I'm not going to fight anymore. I give up. Goodbye"
You got up from the bed and wrote a note that read
"I'm sorry ash, I love you. please remember our promise.
Luke- thanks for sticking around so long. You will always be a brother to me.
Cal- I told you everything would work out
Michael- thanks for being there kitten
I'm sorry guys, I love you"
Your phone buzzed with a Twitter notification you glanced down at it.
"@Y/t/n please don't" it was from a fan. You felt a single tear fall down your face. "Fuck it" you mumbled getting up from the bed. You walked into the bathroom. You looked down at your wrist, and you stopped crying because there was no longer panic. You closed your eyes and you smirked and everything went black. Your last thought drifted into your head.
"Maybe this is it. The last suicide attempt."
