Soulless of The Pure

1

“Rielle, kanina ka pa tinatanong ng Papa kung anong plano after college?” Kuya Philip said in his usual lower register.

“Ahh—Law. I will do Law.” Utal na ani ko. Dahil hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin na gusto kong maging museum curator. Baka itakwil ako ng angkan namin.

My Mom is married to renowned lawyer. So, is my brother's and sisters who devoted their lives in law.

My mom is loving woman. I do have a lot of empathy for my mother as woman. But I have so much hatred for her as a daughter.

They stopped seeing me when I failed to enter Philippines Science Highschool. They stopped seeing me when I failed to be the chief of debate society.

They stopped seeing me when I came second in my second grade.

“That's good, bunso.” Ani naman ni Ate Phinielle Zachary. She is the eldest and the golden child of Mama and Papa.

While Kuya Philip Zeymour, my brother is the A class copy of my sister.

Ako ang bunso. I was barely close to them. Kaya siguro ganun rin kalayo ang mga loob namin sa isa't-isa. Ate Phinielle is four years older than me. While Kuya is Philip is 2 years older than me.  But I prefer Ate Phinielle more than my brother.

He is in his 2nd year in Law School. He is doing his Law Degree overseas since sa Harvard siya pumasa.

Ate completed her Law Degree in Massachusetts and practicing her degree in our firm katulong ni Papa. While my Papa is Yale University Alumni. He graduated with flying colors.

Ako? I graduated with a Philosophy Degree and second latin recognition. Was it enough? No.

Kaya nga tinatanong nila ako kung saan ako papasok ng Law.

“Where did you Apply?” Seryosong tanong ni Papa na ngayon ay diretso ang tingin sa'kin.

Mabigat ang pinupukol na tingin nito. Tila gusto nitong makuha agad ang sagot sa tanong niya.

“Sa UP Law School." Sagot ko.

“Why not Harvard or Yale?” Tanong ni Papa. Tipid na tanong lang ito pero ramdam ko ang lubos na pagkadisgusto nito sa sinabi ko.

“Pa, let her be. Rielle is capable of doing her own decisions. I got her.” Salo ni Ate sa'kin. Some part of me wants to hate my sister for being the perfect daughter and sister. She never forced it. It comes out naturally.

Kaya kahit gusto kong kamuhian siya she kept reminding me that angel might be real because of her existence. I don't know why she remained single all these years.

I never dared to ask her but I am hella sure that her lover would be lucky to have her.

“Nielle, ikaw ang bahala d'yan ha.” Papa said with resignation.

Kumindat lang sa'kin si Ate. Mabilis natapos ang dinner.  Lifesaver talaga palagi.

Mama remained quiet in the dinning table. Hindi naman talaga 'yan iimik kung hindi si Ate or Kuya ang issue ni Papa. Pero dahil ako ay wala talaga siyang imik. Maybe she harbours hatred for me for not becoming the smartest and talented child.

Both of my parents are beyond gifted with their chosen fields and they have equally gifted children, namely my sister and brother.

Ang hirap maging huling baraha ng pamilya. Na parang dala mo yung lahat ng bigat ng mga trauma, expectations, at mga bagay na pinili nila na akala nila tama.

Natapos ang dinner namin na halos hindi ko nalasahan ang pagkain. Hindi naman ito yung unang beses na halos walang lasa sa'kin ang pagkain.

It started happening when I was barely 13.