In The World Looking For Love

A/N: You play the song while you read to set the mood for how the character is feeling.

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I am Amy Lane,
I want to take you on an adventure of some of the hardships I went through over the past few decades and how I overcame them.

WARNINGS: some content has been made to fiction. The ages and dates may be out of order, the story is told as flashbacks so expect to reminisce the past as well as jumps to the present!

I am a black woman living in California at the time, I have been known to be called beautiful, I just take it as people being kind because who would call a Big Black Woman with light brown eyes, poor vision, have a severe case of eczema beautiful? ... Right? 

Well, that's the way I perceived myself at the time, thanks to my biological mother ( we'll get into that later). Others had a different perspective, they would say I have straight teeth, a lovely smile, full lips, with hope, enthusiasm, and love in my eye, they would call me shy, one of the sweetest people they have ever met!.. back then lol. NOW, I bet they differ on that last one though. I have good and bad thoughts just like everyone else... depending on what it is. Like if someone would talk about me, I would majority of the time say "oh well" and keep going, but if someone would talk about my friends and/or family I would be ready to fight. This is funny because I have a lot of people that would consider me a friend or something more like one of their sisters and I try to consider them the same, I have yet to find a friend that would have my back as I have theirs.

I've always evaluated myself as a loner. Only because I kept everyone at a distance and love to be left alone with my thoughts the majority of the time, but I also get Lonely. Anyway, I have a definition of love and it might not be correct but it's my definition of love. I feel love is unconditional, no matter what a person has done to you except them as they are and whatever they did, accept their opinion, stick up for them, save them from harm, protect them from getting in trouble, and no matter what say something comforting when they're going through things, accept their flaws and grossness because everyone can be gross at some point or another... Also, protect them from themselves because sometimes we can't see the bad we put ourselves through but someone else can. If you do that for someone that means you officially love them and if you have someone to do that for you, no matter if its a family member, friend, or a lover then they officially love you and don't let that go, because once you do it's hard to get it back.

I say that because I only had that love 3 times in my life from my grandparents from my ex-fiance, the Butt-whole that ruined my life from 2011-2023, my aunt and uncle aka adoptive mom/dad LOL.

My grandmother was my First protector after GOD, my aunt is my second protector and Buut-whole was my last protector.

I was born in California, I was the only granddaughter for my grandparents at that time. Everyone tells me stories about how much my grandma loved me, how I could do no wrong to her. She would love for me to be there even though she had diabetes, high blood pressure, and was sick. I heard stories on how when my grandma would take her naps my grandfather would call my mother (who never wanted me by the way) to come to get me and when my grandma would get up and found I wasn't there she would be so upset at my grandfather and would get me back to her as soon as he could.

As I got older, so did my grandma...the sicker she became. All my best memories came from her, Aunt and uncle. I remember all the way when I was 2 years old I was terrified of the dark and my brother would scare me by telling me scary things so I couldn't sleep. so what my grandma would do is sleep next to me, sometimes she would leave after I fell asleep and I would wake up to make sure she was there, if she wasn't, I would cry and run to her room, shake her awake. she would pick me up, put me between her and my grandfather sometimes even just on her side of the bed Just so my grandpa wont get mad( I peed in the bed).

I remember when I was 3 when my grandparents were still sleeping, I thought it would be cool if it were to snow, so I got the powder and shook it around in the air with my eyes shut and when I opened my eyes, it was cloudy and the burnt orange color carpet was now covered with thick layers of powder. when my grandparents woke up I didn't get in trouble. The one time I remember getting in trouble by my grandfather was when I think I was 3, I woke up and decided I wanted to ice skate, so I got up, went to the kitchen grabbed a knife, went to the garage, saw the paint barrel, and went to work. after about 45 minutes of trying to figure out how to open it,  I did it and had the biggest smile on my face. So I poured the paint onto the floor and was lucky it was white,  I stepped into the cold paint and wiggled my toes in it. Then I started thinking to my self how smart I was to figure out how to ice skate without ice,  and next thing you know I was sliding in circles and spinning and having a ball. After about 15 minutes of that, I got tired and figured I better go wash my feet off. So I walked up the steps that led to the playroom with paint on my feet which I didn't know that was going to leave footprints of my pigeon-toed feet on the carpet (FOR 27 YEARS!!!), and as soon as I realized that, my grandpa comes out the room with a look of what I know now was shock and frustration. The next thing I remember was getting a whooping that didn't hurt,  I was trying my hardest not to laugh and figured that my grandpa was too old for this and started fake crying with the hint of laughter, said sorry. He stopped and put me on punishment by saying I can't go outside.

I realize now after finding letters that my grandparents wrote back and forth to each other when my grandpa left my grandma and my aunties back in Oklahoma, to come to Los Angeles California, stay in motels, and try to find a job so he can send for them. He had to work hard and alone to get the house that he bought for his family and I had marked the carpet with paint. I feel so bad now,  and wish I could apologize.

There were also bad times at the age of  2 too, which you will hear about sooner or later.