In The World Looking For Love

Chapter 9 looking over my life

A/N: You play the song while you read to set the mood for how the character is feeling
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Looking over the first 10 years of my life, I been choked, slapped, kicked out and insulted by my mother, thinking that she is supposed to protect me from harm and love me unconditionally. Why can't I find someone who will love me like my grandparents did? Do love not exist in this world?

In middle school I tried to find love in boys, but nothing was good. I focused on band with Mr. Rodriguez and cheerleading with Mrs. Daws, and English with my favorite teacher Mrs. Sowells.  Middle school was difficult since I was overweight and quiet, I was smart when I wasn't too busy inside my own head thinking about therapy which I been going to with my mom since I was 3. Lol I remember hanging out with 5 of my friends who was my best female friend Molly, she was thevtallest OK ut of all of us, she was 5'7, with the nicest white skin ever that would quickly turn red whe she was nervous, embarrassed, or blushing, we were in band together, and we even had slumper parties together she was awesome, I miss her the most. the new girl Andrea, who stood about 5'1, Mexican with shoulder length dark brown wavy hair, dark brown eyes with a small nose and full lips. She had a body that was thicke, D size tits, a puggy belly and ab huge ass. Cory who was in love with Molly lol, was 5'3, mixed, his mom was white and his father was black, had had curly medium dark brown hair that at first glance you would think it was black, a perfect smile wth a slight crooked tooth in the front but you couldn't tell. His eyes were brown. Patrice who was quiet like me, tall, dark or more of a chocolate skin that was smooth as butter, she was 5'4, with big black eyes and and crooked teeth. She was very thin. Chris who was the skinny milk chocolate funny kid, who was the same height as me but I considered him my best male friend, we hung out all the time, so it was funny when he finally told me that liked Patrice which i knew from the get go but he shocked me when he ended up liking and dating Andrea later on lol. We all hung out at lunch all the time. I was sort of the leader or the main friend if you will, because I was friends with all of them but I stood up for the weirdos and outcasts at our school. I would hate to go home, school was my second safe zone besides my first safe zone which was my aunts house in Rancho Cucamonga. I stayed after school for band practice, then cheer leading practice, and later to help all the teachers until they went home then volunteered in the library until it closed, after i would walked around campus for a while, got in some random fights and win of course. I wasn't bad I just hated being picked on and hated people that picked on weaker people.

8th grade was cool, I developed a crush on this cute guy named Sean and my next door neighbor son named hugo and nephew whom name I forgot I tried hard to get their attention but failed, I didn't give up until we moved. But before then I used to always sit in the backyard and talked to buddy and lassy, our dogs who would always lay on my lap while I rubbed their heads and talked to them. I loved them so much. (RIP 1997-2013)
When we moved it hurt me to put them in the kennel until our house in highland was ready, I had no one to talk to.

We moved to a small apartment on 10th and Hoffman, it was super crowded. I got in some sexual situations at that point, I was 14 dating a 32 year old in San Bernardino which I had no clue where that was located at the time.

Highschool came and I told myself I would stay out of trouble, but of course that didn't happen. I was being threatened by a group of students, so I told the counselor who said to ignore them, then a week later told the principal who said that they wouldn't bother me anymore, then another week later told my mother because they threatened to kill me and she just called my dad who told me to do what I had to do lol, which I had no choice so the next week I took a knife with me to School ready to protect myself but someone saw, and told on me I guess because the next thing I knew the police took me out of class along with my backpack.

He had asked me if I had anything in my bag that I wasn't supposed to have and since I was and always will be an honest person, I said "yes", he asked "what was in the bag?" I took a deep breath and replied " a long big kitchen knife". He slowly opened my backpack and carefully reached in and grabbed the knife out. He looked at me and said " you know I have to arrest you right?" And I looked down in shame, nodded and whispered "yes I do". He put me in handcuffs and took me to the police car. I was nervous and scared because this was the first time something like this has happened. So when he put me in the car I looked at him in the eyes while breathing heavily with tears in my eyes and kindly said "I am going to have a panic attack, is there a way you can take these off"?, he looked at me with sympathetic eyes and said "you seem like a good smart kid, I don't know how you got in this situation but OK". I politely said thank you and closed my eyes to calm myself down. He got in the car asked if I was OK, I guess because I was still breathing hard. I opened my eyes as tears fell down my face and said yes, just trying to calm down. Before we took off he turned on the air conditioner and directed it my way and said " here this should help", I said "thank you so much". He asked me was this my first time and I said yes, he then asked why I had the knife and as he drove to the police station I explained and he replied with oh OK, I knew you weren't a bad person and I said no I'm not.

When we got to the station, he opened the door and walked me in and finger printed me, and took my photo. After, he put me in the holding tank all day until my mom came. My eyes were so swollen, red and my head hurt from crying the whole time, just thinking about what my auntie would say. My mom was so angry, I had a court date, and expelled from school. And bottom line is I got on probation sent to a probation school, i ended up cheating on my 32 year old boyfriend that i met on my chirp by just pressing random numbers with one guy at my school who was the same age as me. One time we were sitting in the corner of the classroom kissing and i slid my hand down to his private area and felt his hard dick throbbing, it made my pussy wet so i started playing with it and he put his hands in my pants and started rubbing on my clitoris, he stopped kissing me and whispered in my ear that I had a fat juicy ass pussy and i smiled and giggled until I came and he did too but then the teacher came in and we acted like we were studying. After that I was attracted to this light skinned guy with braces but I ended up getting kicked out of school for fighting which reminded me of when I got kicked out of home school for cursing out the teacher but cause she frustrated me, and then I got kicked out of the school district for fighting, ditching and spreading rumors about an evil class mate. Then we had moved to highland and that's when everything was crazy. But my aunt wasn't that mad, of course she lectured me which was worse than being on punishment because I felt like I let her down, the closest person I had to my grandmother.