"And I could feel my mind slipping away from you and needing, craving to kill because that was all I had left. Your memories and the bracelet wasn't enough. Nothing was enough...So I threw myself into the ocean in hopes to get to the bottom. At tha...
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Clayshaper, Alliance.
I can't decide if I should trust my heart or trust my eyes It's a fight, I know my worth, and we're on a ride But I'd be satisfied with who you are inside (who you are inside) So stay here tonight
- Gravity, Tinashe.
Veronica-
I whip my head around to the hedges in front of me, and my shoulders stay locked when I don't see your face. I was so sure you called...My name escaping your mouth, relieved to be released from something. I felt something tugging at the center of my soul.
When I got home, I took the pill that was sitting on the counter. Accompanied it was a corner of familiar brown parchment paper burned at the edges. Yours , it said. I had definitely seen this before, but my memory couldn't create anything except an image of Mom.
The pill was sweet but powdery. Pink, small, and easy to swallow without water. I waited 10 minutes observing my body till I realized I was rapidly dosing off to sleep. I decided to take a cold shower before I left. Under the faucet, you flowed into my head with ease. Ivory, gold, and red weaving till they cloaked my thoughts:
If it was you at the bus stop...What would I do? If you were here, right next to me, what would happen? If you held and loved me like you say you do in my dreams...If you were still alive, real then what?
Can you love me?
Could I love you?
Do I love Jacob?
I'm used to pushing him away from every curve and edge of me. If Jacob loves-...loved me, if it's possible for him to love then it slowly rots the brain. An unnamed, adoring, and merciless tumor. A disease for a vortex so affectionate it could never be resisted. It would be so painful and frightening as if death was only a breath away. It feels inevitable. Thoughts that could never be washed away as I turned the shower from cold to warm.
I'm afraid that if I sink any deeper...If I stop rebelling and allow myself to be -
"...caught, I can't leave. ..I just have this fucking feeling he'll never be able to let me leave."
"Do you want him to love you?"
My mouth moved and I used the water to drown it.
"...If Jacob were standing right in front of you, would you want him to do all those things that you've been dreaming about?"
No, I don't. When I dream, I am confident that I am dreaming as long as it's night. I'm confident that nothing, including him, is real no matter how much it feels like it is. I'm only afraid when I'm awake and remember the texture of his scar, the silk of his hair when I reach out to his phantom. Yet, there is a space between my feelings and reality where there is no possibility of alignment...Delusion can only extend so far. Jacob is nowhere to be found- likely dead and in that wounding truth, the present provides a mourning that is comforting. I am learning to accept what is left of me.
