How to Tell You Love Him.

CHAPTER FOUR

 Every night after that I sleep in Peeta's room. My mother has her reservations, Gale is angry, but Prim is supportive. None of them understand. They don't understand the way the nightmares hold on to me and drag me into a land full of horrors. Most of them end with me losing Peeta. Waking up after seeing him being stabbed through the heart or drowned in the arena with his arms tightly around me and his voice whispering in my ear is a much easier reality to face than being alone.

I don't realize how angry Gale is. Not until he knocks on Peeta's door one day. I answer as Peeta is in the shower.

"We need to talk." He states, pushing his way into the room. His voice and face are tight, the kind he would use when ranting about the capital in the woods.

"Okay," I back away not knowing what he's angry about, "what is it?"

"You." He stares me hard in the face. "You and whatever you're doing here with him."

"What do you mean?" I ask, though I already know exactly what he means.

"You're living with him," he's so angry that a red flush has moved over his face, "why are you living with him when you don't even love him?" His eyes catch mine. The same stone cold gray eyes that I also possess.

"I never said I didn't love him," I defend, "and I like living here." As I respond, I hear the water in the shower turn off. I can only hope Peeta hears Gale out here before he walks out.

"So, you love him then?" I think I see tears beginning to form.

"Of course I do, how could I not?" At my response, Gale turns away from me.

"Do you love me?" He says coldly, still refusing to look at me.

"Of course I do." I state softly.

"No, Katniss! Not like that!" He is shouting at me now, Peeta definitely hears this. "You don't love me! Not when you're sitting here living with a bread boy!" He finally meets my gaze.

"Gale," I say quietly, "you're my best friend-"

"No! No, Katniss! Don't you see I don't want to be your best friend!" I hear the door to the bathroom crack quietly and I know Peeta has heard now.

"Then I don't know what you want." I state.

"I love you, Katniss. Not like a best friend." At this he moves forward, cupping my face and looking me deeply in the eyes.

"Gale, you know I can't be that for you." The tears begin to build in my own eyes. I can feel it. This is a thing that cannot be fixed. A patch of ripped fabric that cannot be sewed back together.

"Do you love him?" He asks.

"Yes, he's my best friend too." Peeta is my best friend. But recently, he's been more. The hunger I felt on the beach returns when he takes his shirt off, or when I watch him knead dough on the counter and the muscles in his arms show. Sometimes, while laying in bed I feel the need to kiss him. But I don't.

"Do you love him more than a best friend?" Now the tears are falling down Gale's face.

"I don't know." At that Gale lets go. He backs away from me. My indecision on whether I love Peeta romantically speaks to him. Because, when it comes to Gale it is a no, but with Peeta I'm unsure.

"You don't know!" He shouts again, almost in disbelief. "How do you not know something like that?"

"I haven't known how to feel about him for a while. So, I don't know." That is the truth, completely.

"How long is a while?" He asks.

"Since the quell," I say, and then add, "since he hit the force field."

"And what if I said that loving me as a best friend wasn't enough?" Gale's voice almost breaks. He sounds much smaller than he is.

"Then I have nothing left to give you."

At that, Gale turns and walks out the door. The second he is gone the tears fall from my eyes. Not because he walked out. Only because I know things will never be the same. And I want nothing more than to go back to the time when our relationship was easy. When all that mattered was hunting in the woods together, feeding our families, and ranting to each other about the awful things that happened to us. I sit on the couch, my back facing towards the bedroom where I know Peeta will emerge from.

I am right. Because a moment later I hear a small, "hey," and feel his large hand on my right shoulder. Suddenly, I am desperate for someone to understand. For him to understand.

"You get it don't you," I ask through tears, "that there is a difference between loving a best friend and loving someone romantically?"

"Yes, I get it." He responds. He sits down beside me and begins to rub soothing circles on my back. We sit like that for a long time until Peeta rises and grabs me a glass of water. He states that he is going to finish getting ready to head to dinner, and I don't have to go with him if I don't want to.

When he is almost to the bedroom door, I call out to him.

"Peeta." I say, my voice barely audible to the point I'm surprised that he heard me so clearly. I turn towards him and meet his eyes.

"Yeah?" He looks concerned.

"You're not in the same category as Gale."