Jasmine Thompson – Breathe Me
Pierce The Veil – Props & Mayhem
You Me At Six – Crash
Birdy – Wings
5sos – If You Don't Know
****
Madison is sitting next to Michael on the cold floor in the hallway, listening to his deep voice filling the empty space.
"Luke and I moved here from Sydney actually... we wanted to start over, you know? Start a new life together, it all sounded great. He's a med student so he has a lot on his mind all the time and he works double shifts at Starbucks to pay the bills and everything. He's kind of the responsible one in this relationship...was..."
Michael stops talking and stares on the floor. Madison frowns – she's been awake for almost 24 hours, so she struggles following Michael's thoughts.
"You and Luke used to be together?" she asks for the record.
Michael nods.
"What happened?" she whispers, rubbing her arms because she's getting cold.
"We shared this place with Calum, he studies engineering or something like that, I don't know. It wasn't the plan though, you know? We wanted to have our own place without someone interfering all the time. It was cheaper that way though. I promised Luke I'd go and find a job because I really don't feel this whole college thing. He was so patient with me, you can't imagine. Sooner or later I wasn't able to pay my part of the rent anymore, so he covered it. He worked an extra shift here and there to make it work, you know? And all I did was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I thought busking would do it, I'm so fucking stupid. I tried to find a job, I applied everywhere, but my grades have always been shit. I wasn't good at school, so nobody hired me. And with every job I didn't get, I lost Luke a little more. He eventually lost his patience, got sick of me promising that I'll pay him back every cent. He got sick of my stupid behavior I guess. He's like you – he has a plan, he knows what he wants so he goes and gets it. There's no room for someone like me, someone who doesn't have their life together. It just didn't work at all, I wasn't good for him. The last few months we had more fights than normal conversations until he told me to get lost... I didn't deal with it though, you know? I love him, I fucking love him but it's no use. He doesn't need me to live, but I need him, you see? I need him so much but I fucked everything up. He kicked me out and I had nowhere to go but then I asked the secretary from the school for your address and just... I don't know, you were kind to me so I came back, but then I felt bad for using you, so I went to ask the few people I know if I could stay with them for a night or two. That's why I sometimes didn't show up for days or weeks; I don't want to use people anymore because they end up hating me and I can't deal with it. I just can't."
Madison rubs her face; she got a headache from the lack of sleep and concentrating so hard. It's a lot to digest, but eventually it all makes sense. It makes sense why Michael was always so sad and didn't want to talk about his life. The little hints he had dropped here and there finally fell together to a complete piece.
"Then Luke also beat you up?" she whispers.
Michael shakes his head.
"Calum did. Told me to stay away from Luke unless I have the money I owe him. I haven't seen Luke in weeks because Calum is always around. I probably won't talk to Luke ever again because I won't be able to pay him back and he knows that. He always had my back, you know? And the fucking idiot I am I took advantage of it and now he's gone and nothing makes any sense anymore. Luke was the one who gave me a chance when nobody else did. He was the one to encourage me to try again when I didn't get a job or didn't get any money from busking either. He believed in me more than anybody else ever did, and now he despises me more than anything. I fucked it up so bad."
Madison doesn't know what to do or what to say; Michael's life is scattered the way her glass used to be scattered all over her kitchen floor. It's broken to the point where it doesn't make sense to put the pieces back together no matter how hard you try. Suddenly she can feel a hard lump in her throat and a moment later Michael's shoulders start to shake. She moves a little, pulls Michael as close as possible and just holds him. Her heart is so heavy because she was so angry about his behavior when he was struggling so hard. She feels terrible because she thought he just has his head in the clouds and doesn't give a shit about his life when in fact he's been trying to get his life back for the past few months. She can only imagine how exhausting it is to fight for someone who already gave up; how exhausting it must be not to know what the next day will bring and if there will be a place to sleep at available.
"I'm so sorry" she mumbles into his ear while gently rocking him back and forth and stroking his back.
Michael is letting go of her with puffy eyes and a runny nose.
"I'll get some tissues; do you wanna stay here or come inside?" Madison asks and already helps him up.
While Michael sits down on the couch, she looks for the tissues and heats up milk for hot chocolate. Once she's back in the living-room, he's sitting on the floor, his back leaning on the couch. She hands him a mug and the tissues and gets down next to him. They're both lost in their thoughts for a while, and Madison tries to imagine Luke and Michael. They sound like big smiles and grabby hands and stolen kisses and late naps. Like risks and warm bodies and hot coffee on a cold day. Imagining them together is like imagining a little flower and the sun – Michael being the flower because he depends on Luke, his sun. It's so weird to imagine them together and so right at the same time.
"I'm sorry" Michael suddenly announces with a whisper. He doesn't look at her but stares into his mug, "I wish I wasn't the way I am."
Author's note:
This is it! That's the whole mess you've been waiting for, I hope it all makes sense for you now and I expect a few comments now you hear me ;D
