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Chapter 2
#wrewp
Trigger Warning: Sexual Harassment
Kapag nakikita kong mataas ang scores ko sa exams, kapag mataas ang grades ko, at kapag ako ang nauuna sa klase — nahahanap ko ang worth ko bilang tao. I know that recognizing my worth shouldn't be determined by my academic achievements. But growing up, my parents instill to my head that I should be at the top. I was afraid to not reach their expectations. Kuha nga ng hindi nila pagtanggap kay kuya, may malaking bahagi sa utak ko na baka gano'n din ang mangyari kapag hindi ko nasunod ang gusto nila para sa akin.
My family wasn't perfect. It was far from being perfect. But I understood that they only wanted the best for me — even if it was poisoning me. Kahit naman na bumitaw ako sa mga gusto nila para sa akin, hindi ko pa rin kayang gawin. My parents were already old. Kaya kahit anong gusto nilang gawin ko, susundin ko. Kahit na ang gusto nilang gawin ay taliwas sa akin.
Nasanay na lang din ako. Hindi naman switch button ang lahat na kung kailan ko gustong patayin, pipindutin ko lang agad-agad. Everything felt like a muscle memory. Studying became a habit to me. Para nga akong hindi makahinga kapag hindi nakakapag-aral.
"So . . . tungkol saan ito?" tanong ni Milca.
Nasa likod kami ng building ng STEM. May maliit na kiosk dito at wala masyadong mga estudyante ang nalalagi. When I sent a message to her, she replied the night after. Napagdesisyunan namin na magkikita kami ng break time kinabukasan. Akala ko magtatanong pa siya ng marami sa messenger kung tungkol saan ang pag-uusapan namin pero hindi. Nagtanong lang siya kung kailan at anong oras.
"I'll be forward," sabi ko. "Kilala mo ba si Grant?"
Her eyebrow raised a bit. Inosente siyang tumango. I could smell her vanilla scent from my position. Nakalugay ang mahaba niyang buhok na bahagyang kumikinang dahil sa araw. Mamula-mula rin ang kaniyang pisngi dahil sa panahon.
"Lecasca?" tanong niya. Tumango ako habang diretsong nakatingin sa mata niya. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at mas lalong namula. "O-Of course. I-I know him."
Ngumisi ako. "Good," sagot ko. "Now, here's my proposition . . . "
Then I told her what was it about. The whole time, she was just listening to me. Kumukurap kurap ang inosente niyang mga mata. Hanggang sa napansin ko ang unti-unting pagsasalubong ng kilay niya habang binabanggit ko ang gagawin niya. Until her eyes widened and her mouth created faint gasps. Napatakip siya ng bibig samantalang nakangisi lang ako buong sandali.
"W-What the hell . . ."
"Can you do it?" tanong ko.
"What if it does not work?" sabi niya.
I shrugged my shoulder. "Hindi natin malalaman kung hindi natin susubukan."
"I don't like breaking hearts, Matienne."
Umiling ako. "You won't break his heart, Milca. You'd distract him."
Tumingin siya sa malayo na tila nag-iisip. I crossed my arms against my chest and waited for her decision. Alam kong mali itong gagawin namin, pero desperado na ako. I was so fucking desperate to surpass him in academics. If this plan would shake his entirety, I would choose this path.
Even if it was evil, even it was cruel.
"What will I get in return?" she asked, lips protruding.
"Anything you want," sagot ko. "Kahit ano, basta kaya ko."
There was no harm in trying. Kaya kung pupusta ako, ibibigay ko na lahat-lahat. Kahit ano. I was that competitive. I didn't want to see Grant next to me in the rankings. I want him somewhere else or not in the rankings at all.
