Fold (Dallypop)

Chapter Eleven: Smoking For Dummies

(Sodapop's POV)

It was... surprisingly quiet at the DX today. Too quiet for my liking.

There were no crazy girls swooning over me today. It made me a bit disappointed, but I continued my work.

'I ain't the type for all that lovey-dovey crap'

'it's best if you forget about this'

Dally's words came back to me, hitting me like a train, then getting ran over by a bus and getting set of fire. He didn't love me... He didn't love me.

Those girls sure as hell didn't love me. They lusted over me... there's a difference, Steve told me so. They weren't even here, probably getting drunk with their rich boyfriends.

They're mad, they're mad at you. You pathetic piece of shit...

"No... I'm not- I'm not pathetic!!" I yelled out, my voice boomed through the empty area.

I sighed with a shaky breath. Inside, I went over to Steve's stuff, ransacking his bag. He had left it here this morning when he went to school. I pulled out a carton of cancer sticks. Steve had the good kind (Steve's Dad buys him the expensive stuff when he's sorry, my benefit at the moment).

I didn't have a light, damnit. Steve always had that on him. He was so proud of his little lighter (another sorry gift from his Dad). It was a deep wine red color, there were white decals on it, the Joker playing card.

I held the box in my grip so tightly I nearly crushed it. I needed it, I needed a light.

Grabbing the nearest torch lighter and walked back outside. In front of the DX I sat up against the wall. It was a blessing Steve wasn't here right now. He didn't like it when I smoked.

I torched the cigarette and hurriedly took a drag, I need to be numb.

I needed to be numb.

Sitting against the cold wall outside the DX, the old street lamp shined dimly against the sunlight (that thing was always on). My hands trembled as I fumbled for the pack of cigarettes in my pocket. With shaky fingers, I extracted another one and brought it to my lips, the flame from the lighter heating my face in the cold morning.

With each exhale, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders, the smoke dissipating into the early air like wisps of fleeting thoughts. The rhythmic motion of drawing in and releasing smoke became a ritual, a silent companion in my moments of peace.

The bitterness of the tobacco mingled with the bitterness of my disappointment, but somehow, in that bitter union, there was rest. It was as if the smoke carried away my troubles, whisking them off into the void where they could no longer hurt me.

I stubbed out one more cigarette, the faint glow of the embers fading into nothing. I closed my eyes, letting the nicotine haze envelop me in its comforting embrace. For a brief moment, I forgot the sting of rejection, lost in the haze of smoke and the stillness of the streets.

But as the ember of the cigarette burned low, reality began to seep back in, like water finding its way through the cracks in a dam. The ache in my chest returned, a reminder of the vulnerability that came with confessing to Dally.

***

Sandy came over to the DX at the worst possible time. Half the pack of cancers sticks were gone by then, it was a brand new pack. I wouldn't let Sandy see the cigarettes, she'd be so disappointed in me.

"Hiya, Sods!" She greeted with that bright smile of hers.

She came up and hugged me tightly around the shoulders, Sandy was around my height so hugs weren't awkward with her... but something just felt wrong. No. She's my girlfriend, I love her.

***

I went home later that day feeling sick. Smoking on an empty stomach wasn't a good idea.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I slept in. Darry said my alarm had already gone off six times before he dragged me out of bed. I was in a rush and forgot to eat something. Anything.

I barged through the door, Darry and Steve still in the truck. Darry was going to turn around real quick and take Steve home. It was hard to act normal around Steve, especially after taking his costly smokes.

I slumped onto my bed, Pony wasn't here again. I was hoping Dallas would come back so I could snuggle him again, he was so warm. I stretched out covering most of the bed. I felt something weird, something rough yet soft.

My eyes opened with curiosity. And there it was, Dally's jacket, laying on my bed. I must've forgotten to give it to him, oops. I grabbed the jacket and bunched it up as I set it under my head.

Did Dallas reject me? Yes. Was he an asshole? Also yes. But it didn't mean I didn't love him. And this jacket smelled a little like him, that was good enough for me.