This Is Me Trying

Chapter Twenty-Five

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that

Regina hears her own song playing in her head, the lyrics from when she was in rehab and struggling to communicate with Emma. Now, she's here, sitting in her driveway, staring hopelessly at the lamp glowing around Emma while the rest of the house is pitch-black. She has the opportunity now to walk right into their house and explain herself but she can't seem to find the courage or strength. She left Emma, walked out that door, ignoring all her pleas and the tears swimming in her eyes.

With her limbs trembling like leaves on a tree during a vicious storm, she exits her car. She's quiet like a thief in the night, unlocking the front door and sneaking back into her own home. As she locks the door back up behind herself, only a puppy greets her. Emma doesn't rush over to her like she expects and she fears that maybe Emma thinks she did drink.

She swallows down her trepidation, gently sets her keys on the table and quietly toes off her shoes. Emma doesn't say a word or even glances in her direction. As slow as possible, she enters the living room where Emma is reading beneath one lamp beside her. Her wife places the bookmark between the pages, then rests the book in her lap but doesn't say a word.

"I," she swallows because her voice is tender and hardly producing any sounds. "I didn't drink."

"I know," Emma replies, dragging her thumb against the edge of her book, still refusing to make eye contact.

"How do you know?" She nervously inquires.

"Cora texted me to let me know that you were there and safe."

She never thought in a million years that her mother would reach out to Emma about her sobriety. Maybe she is trying to change?

"I needed to speak to her, get everything off my chest once and for all," she divulges, nervously picking at her nails and silently praying for Emma to look at her.

"And how did that go?" Emma plainly asks, most likely so sick of these problems tormenting her life.

"As well as it could have." Regina shrugs, leaning a little closer in hopes Emma will finally lift those stunning green eyes and meet her in the middle.

She doesn't. Emma proceeds to avoid her, mindlessly picking at her book as a distraction. So, Regina crosses the room, kneels down in front of her wife, resting her shaky hands upon Emma's thighs. Cocoa is right there, trying to cuddle into Regina and seek comfort but she really needs Emma's attention right now.

"Emma, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I left that way and made you worry."

Emma finally drags her attention away from the book to meet Regina head on. A depressing frown is molding her lips, causing Regina's broken heart to snap even more into brittle little pieces.

"I really thought you left me to drink. I truly believed you were choosing the addiction over me again," Emma quietly confesses, producing a new set of tears that Regina hoped she had run out of by now.

"I know and I'm...I can't say sorry enough. I know it doesn't mean anything after everything but I am. I am so sorry," she cries, resting her head in Emma's lap and completely deflating.

"Were you going to? When you left, was your plan to drink? Or did you have Cora's in mind?"

Regina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I didn't have anything on my mind but to get out of this house. Yes, I wanted to drink but I didn't have a plan to drink. I needed air and to do something to busy myself. So, I drove around until I ended up at my mother's and I knew I needed to get everything off my chest."