When The Heart Writes

PAIN

Coming here has given me a lot of lessons in life. One of them is, "Not everyone will stay by your side." Everyone leaves once they stop benefiting from you, regardless of the times and moments when you were there by their side when they needed it. They will still leave once they think you are no longer useful to them.

And sometimes, people mistake your intention of helping. Instead of trying to fix things by telling them what has to be changed, if they perceive it differently, it will now be your fault and start hating you like you never did good for them.

On the other hand, life proves to me that "Promises" are truly meant to be broken. I do not think I am going to believe in it again. What I learned here is to never open up to anybody again and give them something they can use against me. And I now doubt that true friends exist. Are they even true, or they are just acting as one, for they still can benefit something from you, and once the taking stops, they will be gone?

Everything feels very suffocating. I cry and cry until tears are no longer coming out from my eyes; maybe it is already tired of being puffy every morning every time I cry at night.

Cutting ties with people is hard since I value every person I meet. But I am tired of pleasing, pushing and trying to fit myself into their lives. I am tired of everything. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever you named it. I am tired.

Sometimes, going back home comes across my mind, but it cannot be. Not because I do not have the money but for the reason that I do not want my parents to be disappointed in me. And at least here, I have a destruction, my work. But it is not enough because at night, my so-called friend is meeting me again, overthinking and self-worth questioning.

This year truthfully broke my heart big time. As much as I want to help myself, I just do not know how and where to start.

While other people are enjoying their peace, I am here silently suffering, envious of them. How I wish I could also sleep soundly. How I wish I could sleep without overthinking. How I wish I could sleep without chest pain. How I wish I could sleep without crying. How I wish...

I will probably still be carrying this whole pain to the next book of life unwantedly, but I am just hoping that no one will add fuel to this fire because if ever there is, I would not know how to survive anymore.

It is very hard being a soft-hearted person. My heart is so heavy because of the pain I am feeling.

I do not care anymore if you think I am overreacting. I just want to express what I am feeling right now and what is going on inside my mind. I just want my heart to rest for a while because this pain is too much to handle. I just hope that this new book of life will help me heal and find the happiness that I have been searching for. If it requires reconnection, may they come back with a gentle heart, for I do not know how to deal with another kind of pain again.

Although this year made me the happiest, It also gave me the most painful experience that I did not expect to encounter. I still have so much to say, but I can no longer put it into words, and I think I will end here with a heavy heart, hoping one day everything will be fine and things will be done in my favour.

P.S. To those people who are suffering from anxiety and depression and have no one to talk to, writing down your thoughts and feelings on notes or in a journal helps you feel better.