When The Heart Writes

MY REALIZATION ALONG THE JOURNEY OF HEALING

I am writing again, this time to track my healing process so that I can look back on how brave and strong I am.

I am now on my first step towards healing. Being a soft-hearted person, it is difficult for me to forget things that have hurt me. It takes time for me to heal. People who care about me a lot are frustrated with me for being hard-headed and continually hurting myself by repeatedly thinking about the hurtful words I received. But now I realize that I am the one hurting myself by giving attention to those people who hurt me and questioning myself about the things that they threw at me. I am the kind of person who accepts criticism from others, and I question people why they would say those words to me because I want to change the wrongdoings they observed in me. I am human too; I sometimes do not notice the effect of my actions. It might be okay for me, but not for others.

Starting now, I am slowly reminding myself that I don't need to be too kind, learn to say no, not give too much love, love myself more than others, put myself first before them, focus on myself, and not be a fool to people who give sugarcoated words, not let other people know my weaknesses, do what makes me happy, fix attachment issues, remind people that I'm not always a "good person" - because I'm not and I never claim to be. -

It takes time to adapt to these reminders I've made, but I promise myself that I will make progress in applying them and keep in mind that they are for my own good and growth.

I have been living near the beach for the past few months. Previously, I never had time to sit and relax by the shore or at the park. But since encountering this problem, I've been longing to spend my spare time watching the waves dance, enjoying the sun and wind touching my skin and observing people fishing and having their world. Back in my home country, I used to hang out on my own at the beach, as we also lived nearby. It served as my therapy during times of pressure in life. Whenever I needed to make big decisions or needed a break, I would simply go to the bayside. Perhaps God redirected me to live here because He already knew I would be facing this kind of problem.

My insomnia worsened because of this, and my appetite changed to the point where I skipped meals even when feeling hungry, which is bad for my health. I truly need to take action and heed the advice of the people I appreciate the most. They were right from the beginning, but I am too blind, and convincing myself that I could fix something that is not willing to be fixed. I don't know if being a softhearted person is a blessing or a curse. Should I blame myself for being me? For being too soft on everyone?

Now everything seems clear. If you show how mad you are, they will conclude that it's your 'true colour,' but when they do, they will give you excuses, saying 'they are just mad'. Unfair, isn't it? This proves how unjust the world is and how biased can be.

People tend to blame others as their coping mechanism to avoid feeling guilty-DEFELCTION and PROJECTION. Some people push themselves to be included in the problems they don't belong to, just to gain someone's trust. I pity them. Such individuals need help because they resort to destroying others to gain so-called friends in their lives. I hope someday they will realize that they aren't gaining any good from it, but rather proving to themselves how cruel and people-pleasing they are.

I still consider myself lucky because I don't need to resort to dirty tactics to gain someone's trust and make friends. I've already learned my lesson about such behaviour; in the past, I unconsciously harmed someone to gain trust, which is not acceptable, even if it is true. Still, I don't have the right to do such a thing. I may agree with your insult to others, but it doesn't mean I condone your wrongdoings.

I was attending my class while writing this when suddenly my teacher said, "What goes around comes around." and then realization hit me. I don't need to seek revenge for what they have done to me for the reason that I would stoop to their level. I will let time and karma do their job to hold them accountable for their actions. I also realize it is not worth it to keep trying to prove myself to them. The more I push to explain my side, the less they listen and comprehend, as they have convinced themselves of their innocence and refuse to consider other perspectives. They already convinced themselves that they are the victims and only listen to their own opinions. I conclude that they believe they are always right in every way.

Phrases that made me realize things: "Ayaw ka down tungod sa ilang gibuhat sa imoha, kay kabalo man ka sa imong kaugalingon kung unsa ka.", "Ayaw ipugos imong self sa ila.", "Pasagdi sila." Also, two phrases that a friend of mine wrote in a handwritten letter for my birthday, she said, "You cannot save your friendship with them if they don't want it to be saved." and "If they are truly your friends, they won't make you feel like that for long." and other pieces of advice from the people who appreciate and have concern for me.

Looking back at what my treasured individuals told me about this, I completely realize how foolish I was for believing that everything would be fixed. Unfortunately, I am the only one who wants it to be fixed. Adding to the last question I asked them about the criticism they told me, they ended up answering another assumption they made, which was very off-topic from the question I asked. This realization made me laugh at the end of the day. I now realize that it is pointless to talk to people like them who believe they are a "loss" and are not ready to handle being questioned about the judgment they give to others.