WORK IN PROGRESS: Guy and Reason

Chapter 5 (Eden/Reason): Time To Go

In college, the hardest part of any paper I had to write was the introductory paragraph. You needed to hit just the right tone, define what the paper was about and make it clear what your stance was on whatever subject -- all in a few sentences. That graf was always the last part of a paper that I wrote.

So, standing in front of Guy, his eyes trained on me, his mouth shut, I suddenly wasn't quite sure how to start my you low-down fucker speech. All the practice I'd done in front of my mirror escaped my mind. I couldn't even remember the hand gestures.

The man on my couch looked like my Guy from three years ago, but he also looked different. Older, obviously, but older in a way that was hard to define -- maybe it was something inside that had changed that was pushing itself outward. A new maturity that had been forged with whatever he'd gone through for the last three years. 

His features seemed sharper, all traces of boyhood left behind. His hair was much shorter, but what seemed to be most different was the sparkle that had always been in his eyes. They seemed too dull, too calm, too watchful for the Guy I'd loved. The Guy I'd known had been bristling with energy and now he was all about restraint. His eyes seemed wounded, somehow, and a nasty part of me that I didn't like to acknowledge hoped that maybe some woman had caused him to suffer the same way he'd made me suffer.

How does it feel, Guy? Not a lot of fun, is it?

On the heels of that unworthy thought, I had to admit that, even with the three years' worth of changes, Guy was still the most handsome man I'd ever known. Fortunately, when that traitorous thought hit me, it shook loose my words.

"For a long time, I wondered why," I said, relieved to be breaking that awkward silence. "I wondered what was wrong with you that you'd throw us away. I wondered what was wrong with me that you'd throw me away. I wondered what was wrong with our relationship that you'd throw it away."

He gazed at me steadily, taking each small hit without flinching.

"I wondered why you'd be so cowardly to end our eight years together over the phone. Why you were such a coward you couldn't come to me and tell me to my face that you were cheating on me. Why you'd call me while I was driving to see you, wait until I was almost there and then make a call that you knew would level me to the ground, not caring if I'd wreck my car because I was crying so hard. I wondered why you didn't care, at the very least, about keeping me safe. I'd think after eight years together, there'd be at least some residual feeling that would make you consider how dangerous a call like that was. It was sheer luck that I was near an exit when you called, that I was able to get off the highway and make it to a nearby gas station before the bomb you were dropping blew me up. But you had no way of knowing that, and you just plain didn't care about my well-being. You could've waited another forty-five minutes until I got to your apartment, but you didn't."

Guy bit on his lower lip, fighting to stay silent. Now his body was vibrating; I could sense it. On some level, I still knew this man and he was fighting his need to say something.

"I was stuck in that gas station for a couple of hours. Alone, a couple of hours from home, trying to get myself together so I could make the drive home safely. Every time I thought I was OK to drive, it'd hit me all over again. I had never been in so much pain in my life and it got to the point that I thought I was going to have to call Mom to come get me because I couldn't see an end to it. I thought I'd never be able to stop crying."

The first time I ever saw Guy cry was when he'd shown up at my house hours after he'd broken up with me. Now, for the second time in my life, Guy was crying again. 

Good, keep crying like a little bitch. 

Yeesh, that vindictive part of me was not pretty.

"I made it home safely, thank God, and then you showed up, crying, begging me to talk with you. And you brought fucking Ingrid with you. Ingrid who'd been present during our horrible break-up call that you put on speaker phone so she could hear something that should have been between the two of us. Ingrid who was delighted that you were finally a free agent and who took way too much pleasure in adding her commentary to that call. She was so far up your ass at that point that you didn't even think twice about letting her join in while you obliterated us."