THE ARSONIST

a sense of urgency

I know that I am on fire,
on fire, on fire. I keep bringing
up the fire, the burning,
because I don't want to
talk about anything else.

You set my world on fire, but
at what cost? No matter how many
times I try to change or rewrite
or ignore it, the truth is that
you indeed know what you did
and this whole time, I had been
so trained to still... even as you
are setting me on fire, to think
that there was some kind of...
ugh, I hate talking about this, but
I have to try. I guess while you
were setting me on fire, and note:
you were not doing this to your own
self after I was told on some degree that
there was something decreed or divine,
almost like a sacred duty, but not the kind
where you are questioning it, but
more like a genuine belief that if
I went through with it, that some kind
of higher, next life blessing and certainty
would be mine.

I can't talk about this, and I keep
trying because it's not that I don't
want to talk about it, and there is
a sense of urgency to discuss it
because I am already on fire, and
it's crawling up me and it's been
crawling up me for a long time
now, and yeah, I feel like I am dying.
I feel desperate. I talk to the ones I love
and my friends but it seems like no one
really understands, no one really... it's not
that they don't care. I don't have those kinds
of people in my life anymore. The ones
I have now are caring, and are genuine.
Yet, they can't see nor understand
that I am burning up, and burning out,
and I am absolutely crying out for help
but it must not be their way of crying because
they sort of pat me on the head, and
say, "there, there." But I'm on freaking fire,
and I'm falling apart and I'm in deep pain.