Evocation

Chapter 20- Wounds

*This chapter has mentions of sex, but no graphic detail.*

Lorcan:

It's been three days. Three days of sitting in the stuffy hut as reckless rain and heavy winds keep us stuck inside. Three days of enduring the worst storm I have ever seen. Three days of watching over tired, dejected Dean. Three days of not searching for the Skull Gem that I secretly possess. Three days of failed attempts to give Echo the cursed thing and come clean about what I've done.

Three more weeks until Captain Bradley takes Echo's life as punishment for it.

I must have started to confess over a dozen times. I have tried to say the words in a hundred different ways. Each time, I couldn't do it. My words get twisted and my stomach lurches. So I stay in my shell and loathe myself from the inside, tearing myself up for becoming the cowardly bastard I am.

Back on The Evocation, I had wanted to be alone because I wanted to be as far away from Echo and her male harem as possible, who have forgiven her too quickly, too easily. But here now, on land, I force myself to be lonely because of the guilt I carry. I don't want to look my crew in the eyes, knowing that everything we've done for the past month is not only useless, but it's my fault, and I don't know how to make it right.

The interactions I've had with the crew these past few days have been uncomfortable and painful in a familiar way, like twisting a knife in an already open wound. When I returned from Christopher's grave after confessing to his corpse that his death is on my hands, Echo could see that I was distraught. She held me close, her small fingers weaved through my hair, her soft body pressed close to mine in comfort, attempting to help me shoulder something that has been too hard for all of us to bear.

Per Dean's request, Echo didn't tell the others about what happened that night, how he nearly killed himself trying to find the Skull Gem and protect his captain. It's been a secret kept between the three of us, bonding me closer to the two people I have hurt the most. They don't know that I'm the cause of their suffering, and now I'm bound to these secrets and closeness that is burning me up inside.

We had broken down the cloth wall between the main hut and the sick bay, moving mine, Dean, and Morgan's cots in with the rest of the crew. This has led to more time spent with my crew. They have been singing shanties and hymns, praying to their Gods to watch over Christopher in the afterlife, and growing closer as a family of broken people doing their best to survive. My crew has been wanting to talk to me and spend time with me. I have heard, "we missed you Lorcan," no less than five times per day. Truth be told, I missed them too. They are my family, my brothers. But how do I explain to them why I abandoned them? How do I explain why I disappeared from their lives for the past few weeks when I don't know the answer myself? How do I atone for how I treated them when I can't explain my actions or feelings? I didn't think or plan out the nastiness I've held for them, and I can't promise it won't happen again because I don't know what caused it to begin with. I can feel that... evilness inside me even now, like an infection in my lungs wanting to take over and destroy the ecosystem that keeps it alive in the first place.

I'm awoken to laughter and chatter. I've been staying awake at night with Dean, waking up in time for dinner before everyone else goes to bed. I throw on comfortable clothes, a breezy cloth shirt and warm pants. The air feels warmer today, and only a few people are still in the hut with me when I get up. The rain must have stopped, prompting everyone to step outside for the first time since Christopher died and enjoy the clear skies.

I quickly put on my shoes and step out of the hut. The sun hits my face for the first time in days. It feels fantastic, warming me. I've missed this. I look around to find a group of people across the field, building a fire between palm trees to cook dinner. I don't see Dean among them.