The cry of the soul

Before we fell...

I could feel the warmth of my breath increasing by the second,my pulse so rapid my 10 year old mind drifted away from reality for a moment. It was not ideal for the present situation to be fascinated but can you believe it actually lead me to believe there was a possibility a had superspeed superpowers like Billy Thunderman.Just when my thoughts were helping me escape reality I was slapped back to it by the loud thud on the wardrobe door,
bang!! bang!!
My heart stopped beating for a moment but like every ten year old's resumed beating like normal when I heard my mom say 'honey it's me ' even though it was in a crackling voice.I removed my tiny fingers which I had placed on my eyes so I would not pay attention to the real darkness hovering in the wardrobe. She gave me a tight hug ,it was warm. She slowly let go and held my face in her cupped hands ,caressing it in an attempt to cover my ears but I could still hear all the chaos outside .I just pretended I could not hear anything I think it was because her face already depicted so much sadness,fear and pain.My beautiful Geraldine who I would wake up to in the morning as she sat at her dressing table with a paper note reading 'my Queen' .I had brought that back home from kindergarten back when I was five and our household knew no stench of alcohol.She would sit there looking so beautiful I would sit on my couchette and watch her do her make up. It was her 9 to 5 and I had been seeing her do it ever since things around me began to make sense but the works of her hands would astonish me everytime.She would turn after every little stroke and say 'do you like it honey ?' as if I was an expert .One day curiosity took over and I asked her why she always did that because she was more experienced on the other hand to me make up was just like face paint.Her answer gratified my pure innocent soul even though I did not really understand what she meant .Ten year old me was just all bout make up at the moment .Well this is what she said,

'Nana, I ask you because I don't care about what the world thinks about me but what you think of me means the world to me '.

It had not made sense until situations forced and invaded our small family of two and kidnapped my innocent soul,mind and childhood. I was saddened because my beautiful Geraldine was no more she had disappeared somewhere ,nowadays all I see is tears rolling down her eyes,smudged lipstick marks and messed mascara.No more slow dancing before dinner,no more ice cream dates.We stayed confined in our house like we were under house arrest or even worse mourning. She gave me multiple kisses which set a melancholy mood because it felt like she was saying goodbye ,she told me to get back in my hiding spot and I reluctantly did so.Our eyes locked for a while ,her tears wet my face as she looked over me,she tightened her grip on my hands and suddenly let go.The sound of her receeding footsteps echoed in my head making me very uneasy so much that I felt like running after her but code red had been mentioned and once that had been mentioned I had to obey her every command like her good girl.I put my tiny fingers in the small hole where the door knob had been a few years ago when the wardrobe was new and pulled the door towards me,darkness slowly engulfed the whole place and I was all alone.This went on for a few days ,I would place my head on the door and listen to it all unfold. I had so many questions but not a single answer to any .I would fall asleep there and wake up in my twin mattress. I found myself praying to God numerous times that the night should not fall because along with darkness it brought along demons that haunted my family until dawn broke. I thought if the night did not come my mom would regain her smile but soon I realised that the billion dollar smile that would warm my heart was not just playing hide and seek it had gone so far away far beyond my reach.She would spend her day sitting by the window looking at the gate as if awaiting someone's arrival.In a few days she brought in company to help her await her monsters,she had tears that never seemed to dry up and a glass of wine in her one hand and cigarette on the other. I would leave for school and come back ten hours later to find her in the same spot.But one day I returned from school and she was not there ,I dropped my bag at the gate and ran inside the house and called for her endlessly until I saw her standing in the courtyard .She was glaring unceasingly at something but I could not discern what it was from the distance where I was standing so I slowly moved in.I was not quite sure I wanted to see what it is she was staring at so deadly.I took baby steps and I could feel the increasing tension as a sweat trickled down my spine.When I was close enough I realised she was looking at the food-grade water storage container, she was so absent minded that even my Mary Jones's flat footfall did not notify her of my presence around her.I walked up on her and softly held her hand but she did not react I tightened my grip and that's when she turned to face me.Her face pale as if she was a corpse ,she had dark circles that made her look like my grandma a hundred percent .Her face also looked crusty because of the tears that had dried on her face.I stood there looking at her and waiting for her to say something but she just glared back. I was short so I was not able to make out what it is in the water container that reduced her this miserable state.So I held both her hands and shook her to help her snap out of her thoughts and talk to me,she gasped so loudly as if someone had been pinning her head underwater and has just released her. Normally everyday since the visits after I came back from school she would hug me and wail so hard that she wet my uniform,so painfully that it shattered my heart into tiny pieces but that day she just stared at me and lifted me up,I tried to peep in the water container but she walked away before I could get the chance to and she carried me into the house to my room.It was that one moment again where I felt like asking her all this questions in my mind but like everytime I could not bring myself to. Maybe I didn't want to know maybe I was not ready to face whatever it was considering how it was eating my mother away.The woman was even losing weight and it had only been about a week and a half since we started getting the unvited guest. I took off my school uniform and went to take a bath, and as always she had already ran a bath for me , I got in and suddenly got this calming sensation. The water was just the right temperature,as it touched my body the hotness soothed my nerves and I lay back to take it all in when I suddenly heard my mom scream. I could see her struggle and fight to free herself behind the curtains in the shower,I tried to get out of the bath tub to save her but a strong force just pressed my head under water.I was kicking effortlessly ,the effort to keep my airway above the water followed by the struggle to hold my breath and then I started feeling a burning sensation as if water was entering my lungs ,I struggled to lift my head but the hand holding me was just too strong and powerful.Just when death was certain my mom ran into the bathroom and pulled me out of the water.Her eyes wide open as if she had seen a ghost she began blowing air into my mouth and compressed my chests ,I felt the warmth of her loud sigh of relief as I coughed out the water and began reacting to the CPR. Bewildered,I looked around the room there was no one else there besides me and my mom. What was going on?Which ten year old drowns in a bathtub?Was I dreaming or was there more to what was going?Something more than what my scaled mind could fathom maybe ?
There was so much I needed to know but how was I supposed to wrap my head around all that when my own nother was not willing to tell me anything about the visits she gets at night.I blacked out in her arms and woke up on my bed. My head was heavy and it was like the whole room was spinning,the light in the room blinded me and gave me a splitting headache it was like someone was playing drums right inside my head.I turned my head to the side to read the clock,it was 09:20pm 'but how come the house is so quiet today around this time' I asked myself I slowly lifted the duvet to get out of the bed.The dead silence plus the squeaking sound of the bed as I moved created a hair-raising atmosphere.I felt a throbbing sensation run up my feet as they touched the icy-cold floor tile.As if that was not petrifying enough the power went out as soon as I stepped out of the room to look for my mom. There I was on the hallway , I could not see or hear a thing I began calling for my mom but everytime there was no response,her room was downstairs so I had to grope in the dark as I made my way down the stairs. I slipped and fell about three times and hurt my elbow and knee but I thought 'if only I could reach my mom then everything would be fine '.When I was finally down the stairs after a few steps I stepped on broken glass,I shrieked in pain so loudly that the echo was as deafening.But how come mom was not running to my rescue ?
Mom!! Mom!!
I screeched.
But there was still no sign of my dear mom.I could feel the warmth of my blood as it touched my skin,it's rustic scent made my head spin at some point I thought I was going to puke.I stood up and continued to walk towards my mother's room except this time I was hobbling,I was not even crying anymore I wanted my mom. I made it to her room with 'twilight vision' but she still did not respond when I called out to her .At some point I was yelling

'Geraldine!!Geraldine!!'

But to no avail still I began to feel my way through her room when I suddenly slipped and fell.The floor was all wet it got on night dress I remembered the smell from a while ago, the warmth,I brought my hand close to my tongue slowly to taste ,I was child I was curious but hey 'curiosity killed the cat'. I wiped it off with my clothes as I tried to stand up but I just pranced endlessly and sobbed in anguish, I fell again but this time something broke my fall.I moved my hand to feel around,I was young and in the dark but I know hair when I feel one,I was so innocent back then I began playing with it ,I hugged her .'Why have you not been responding?'I asked softly.