❝ figure me out ❞ park sunghoon

-3-

julie was making various shapes with the reflection of her hand in the light on the wall. she made stars, fishes, penguins. she liked making penguins, they reminded her of sunghoon. in second grade she caught him drawing one of these.

it was 9 pm when lia called her. the phone was on the sofa. julie was covered with the sheets on her messy bed. she stays there all day. she doesn't go to school most days. sometimes she genuinely has migraines, sometimes she fakes it. it's her last year of school. she needs to sort out her college options but she hasn't started yet. it's tiresome to think about important things. she likes to stay in bed all day but she can't sleep most of the time. she just lays there thinking of things that aren't important. she thinks about weird things that scare her sometimes, but then one thing leads up to another and she ends up thinking about sunghoon. she really doesn't know how it happens, its just after some time she finds herself thinking about him. small things about him, like his moles, his eyes, those dazzling eyes, the speech he gave last semester in the inter-school debate. he has always felt so far away, it feels like he's up there, she cant touch him. sunghoon was always good at studies. whereas julie was never very good academically. she didn't fail her classes but she passed them barely. it pains her to think that if she really put in the effort, maybe she could top her classes too, maybe sunghoon would notice her if she did that. but she can't bring herself to put in the effort. she hates herself for it but she physically cannot leave the bed even if she tries.

she disappoints her family all the time that it has become a habit. whatever she does she knows in the back of her mind, she will end up disappointing someone. she tries out different versions of herself around different people, but nothings works. it feels like they all hate her. and she wants to go away from everyone but she can't. and that eats her alive.

julie puts one leg on the floor, then the other. she gets up to take her phone reluctantly. it's always the same. it's about some school work. lia is probably her only friend. she calls her sometimes to inform her about school stuff. julie is grateful to her honestly, and she loves how much lia cares for her. julie goes to school like two days per week. it feels lonely there. she tries to blend in other friend groups. but it always feels like she's interrupting something, like they don't want her there. although lia helps her in school work, she doesn't consider julie as a friend with whom she can talk to. so julie ends up sitting in her seat alone. sometimes she reads her books. she likes fantasy a lot. sometimes she looks at sunghoon who is probably working on his homework or hanging out with friends. she likes watching him. she never goes to talk to him, of course. she did that twice, it didn't work. so she doesn't try anymore. it's peaceful this way, not trying. maybe sunghoon knows she stares at him sometimes. maybe he thinks she's creepy. she looks away when realization hits her. but it doesn't matter, he hates her anyway.

julie hangs up the call. she needs to complete her homework. she's planning to attend school on a regular basis for the last three months. her exams are approaching too. she needs to prepare for that.