What do you do when a teenage movie star makes it seem as if you've kidnapped him? After working two summers at his father's health club as a towel boy, Peter Fisk saved enough money to visit California. He literally runs into Lance Hardwood in his...
Have you ever seen a redwood forest? It's one of the most breathtaking things you'll ever see. Majestic, red-barked trees that stand ten stories tall and taller. The tallest one, nicknamed 'Hyperion', is over 379 feet tall. The problem I hadn't anticipated was the quiet.
You see, Redwoods are coniferous, which means they drop needles, not leaves. And aside from the occasional fallen branch, walking through a redwood forest is like walking on a carpet. Voices carry a very long way. This was a blessing, since we could hear Lance, the Extreme Lancers and the SFSU film students with no problem at all. It was also a curse. We had to be quiet. There could be no ambush, no surprise.
Tucker, who was the director, had called and told Lance he felt crappy and wouldn't make it today. We dropped Nina and Chang at the SF Police department, where Tucker made a statement that would help clear some of the charges against me. That didn't stop today's film shoot, though. Trina was seated in a small clearing, surrounded by scripts that had paperweights on them, to stop them from blowing away in the breeze.
Besides Lance and Trina, Jamie was playing the Leshy's daughter, looking decent in her tree costume and makeup. Scarlet approved. They rehearsed a scene several times. Lance wasn't bad, except when he'd slip into the overacting mode of a typical Disney teenage performer. You'd think, at 21, he'd have outgrown it.
Derek was right about his sister. Her screenplay was top-notch. Yet Lance kept arguing with her about his dialogue – he wanted it more heroic, more dramatic. She stood up for herself, and only made some of the changes. But when the cameras were rolling, he ad-libbed his changes in anyway. Gods, why hadn't I seen this part of him sooner? Simple – I was more interested in his other parts.
They finished their shoot and decided to film the third part in two days. I was about to motion the others to leave when I heard Lance say, "Are we set to shoot Boys in Toyland tonight?" He was talking to one of the cameramen, a tall guy who looked like a modern-day Viking. "Yup. I'm ready when you are. Is your Mickey mask okay? My Goofy one is real comfortable." He laughed. "How's the first 'Wally Dicksney' video selling?"
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"Like a new Taylor Swift album, Lars. They can't keep it on the shelf for more than a week, and then they're sold out! It's on its fifth run now." They high fived. "We might need more lube, though. Bring whatever extra you can." As soon as they left, we gathered on the trail, making our way back to James.
"Derek, would you see if you can reach Trina. Remind her that she should be paid for her work. Ask her if she's signed any contract. It's become clear that this whole kidnapping drama has been nothing but a great big publicity stunt, to raise public sympathy for him and get them watching not just Young Tesla again, but to watch this unofficial Young Tesla film he's making. Not to mention interest in these X-rated films that I believe he's shooting. And it all hasn't cost him a dime." Derek nodded.
"Aren't you going to get a copy of that first one, for evidence?" asked Scarlet, "Because I'm sure Joy will be thrilled to learn that Lance is – excuse my pun – illegally freelancing? Freelancing his Disney-exclusive, naked self?"
"That would get him axed from Disney in two shakes of a mouse's tail. And they could seize all the reels of Nikola and the Mountain Spirits. I don't want to stomp on his comeback, but..."
"I'll stomp on it for you, my man. Then I'll stomp on him a few times, for hurting you, and deceiving us all." Derek was all smiles. I was sorry for Lance, but the selfish bastard had pulled stunt after stunt, fooling everyone with his high spirits and goofiness. I knew better now. Lesson learned.
A crazy idea hit me – sprung from Lance's seed, no doubt. It had Chaos written all over it, but I didn't care. I was going to turn this around and make something good come out of it.
"Hey, Devil Dawg?" I asked Derek.
That smile grew even bigger. "Yes, Devil Pup?" he said, scratching me playfully behind an ear.
"Tell Trina that I've got a script I'd like her to write. If she's interested, I'll pay her $2,500 down and then $7,500 on completion. Don't look at me like that, you guys - I've got a trust fund! It will involve Young Tesla. And Scarlet – could you call Joy, and tell her that I've got a proposition for her?"
"What's going on inside that big, beautiful brain of yours?" Derek looked at me with admiration and puzzlement.
We finally reached the car. On the rear windshield, written with what appeared to be lipstick, were the words: "You Can't Win!"
"Hah!" hollered Scarlet, "We'll see about that, you...you..."
"Shh!" Derek said, "Now, Miss Fever – there's a child present!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, James can't be but - what? – 2 years old?"
"I'll have you know that I'm 22...22...no, that's not right..." floundered our AI.
James was floundering, which was bad. Very bad.
"James," I asked gently, "would you like one of us to drive, while you go through a diagnostic?"
"Yes, Peter. That might be best. I'm sorry if this inconveniences you. I will leave the navigation system active. Oh, wait...your mother left you a message."
Derek had sat in the driver's seat, which reassured me. I didn't think I was ready to tackle San Fran's ups and downs.
"Hello, Pookie. Sorry about the last (crackles)...but there have been (crackles)...Your father will be (crackles) in 3 days. There has been an unforeseen problem with (crackles) so be careful with his (crackles) and under no circumstance are you (crackles) you understand. Call me if (crackles) (end of call)."
"Beginning Diagnostic Full Systems Check."
Derek drove onto the highway, and nonchalantly asked, "All right. Where did that silly nickname come from?"
"I'll never tell," I responded.
We drove for 45 minutes, and then stopped at six different adult stores before we found a copy of "Donny Duck Gets Goosed" featuring 'a beloved Disney star.' Nina was waiting in the lobby when we arrived, with a huge bag full of take-out Chinese. She insisted that we sit through the whole film, no matter how steamy or awful it was.
It's going to take years for me to forget Lance's 'quacking' every time his partner bumped into his yellow-painted duck butt. I hadn't laughed so hard since seeing 'Minions 2.' Tomorrow, after making some important calls, we agreed to go sightseeing.
