November 5, 1992 • Seattle • فيزا
hours off the road: about 24
خدت مني روحي، عمري، عقلي وسايبني بقلب عليل
Another day, another set of 24 hours' worth of doing the delusional fucking ass ahead of me. I wonder if I really did have to wake up after as little as two hours of sleep, my first thought of the day being that while I was waking up shattered in pieces, all alone in my bed, my 'best friend' and my ex boyfriend were sleeping all hugged up after a night of a-fucking-mazing sex... but much to my dismay, I woke up in the end, and I cried my heart out under the bedsheets for about the first half an hour of being awake.
I only decided to get out of bed and to do something with my day when I remembered that today is the day my life will start anew, right from the moment I put it on a halt to be with a man who, in reality, was just waiting for me to be gone in order to get in the panties of my most renowed groupie friend. Broken, hurt, wounded, offended in my pride and overall very sore, half asleep and tearful too, I headed to the restroom, I ran myself a soothing bath, and I even took the bother to do my makeup. Then I wore an University-friendly outfit, I fed breakfast to Cock Soup (he asked me circa 'papa's whereabouts every five seconds, shucks), and I made myself some coffee. I downed my cuppa while reading a paragraph of the lecture that I sensed my animal biology teacher would've given on my midday class, and I sighed with semi relief, when for the first time in well over a month, I felt like myself, unapologetically so, all over again. I am this. An early bird who loves self care in the morning, a warm cup of homemade coffee, snuggles with a hand-raised parrot, and a nerd at heart. A model student too, if I'm entitled to say. I used to love being with Sean, starting my every day with him by my side and with a literal bang, having really little time for self care because we were always running late to shit... and I would repeat the last month of my life all over again if I could, because it was when I was at my messiest that I used to be at my happiest. But now I'm in my comfort zone again, the one that I got pulled off as a consequence of being his full-time girlfriend... and although I'm hurting, inevitably because this is my first morning without him by my side after thirty solid days spent being eachother's hip parasite, I can't help but appreciate that now I'm my own person again. Wholly so. I can decide what time to wake up in the morning. I can enjoy my coffee and my biology textbook without Sean's voice in the background telling me that ,,we're running late for shit'' and ,,if we don't hurry the fuck up we will miss the tour bus''. Peace was honestly all I was needing, together with an unconditional amount of me-time, and just because I feel like I want to cry because I don't have a boyfriend anymore, it doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the fact that I'm finally doing things my way and at my own pace again. I'm even getting to study again, which was the reason why I originally moved to Seattle, and I couldn't be happier about it. Prouder even, because suddenly, all the money my foreign parents are putting into my tutorship ain't going to waste anymore.
Now I'm in my apartment, stuffing my university bag with the books I will need for today's lessons, while my best friend from Uni Mariam is in my restroom taking a leak. She came over to my place ten minutes ago, and in no time we will ride on top of my bike to the university like we used to do back in the day when I still hadn't turned my life around for Sean. And honestly, I can't wait to leave this goddamned house, because every moment spent in there nears me to my next, inevitable nervous breakdown. I can't wait to resume my university life and see if my very busy lesson schedule will keep my mind busy enough not to think about Sean. I can't wait to submit the paper about exotic birds that I wrote when I was on the road to my biology teacher, and see what he thinks about it. I can't wait to catch up with my university peeps and see if they still recognise me now that my hair isn't fire red anymore. I can't wait for a number of things, as you can tell... but I realise that I'm not waiting for anything or anyone right now, when I can hear the doorbell ring, and instantly startle myself at the sudden sound.
