فيزا
So, I'm now sitting on my couch admiring the pile of dishes that I've washed, twiddling my thumbs in nervousness because I've just answered Sean's message in a way that I'm almost sure will find him well, and last but not least I'm waiting for Stone to get out of MY bathtub because for what I've understood... he's gonna spend the rest of the night here, and he'll be using my place as a shelter as his bandmates have asked him to go out tonight, but he ain't feeling very social. For that reason, I've arranged him a warm bath, I've found him some clean clothes that originally belonged to my ex boyfriend from my suitcase, I've changed the sheets of Bessie's bed just in case her future husband wants to sleep over tonight, and I've waited for him to be gone for a while in order to stand in front of my landline phone, and finally do the long overdue and answer Sean's message. Stone has been in the restroom for about twenty minutes now, a hellish long time if you ask me, 'cause I'm peeing myself and I can't hear one relieving door opening sound coming from the other end of the corridor, but I made the most out of his absence by 'stealing' his guitar, dialling Sean's number, and singing him a tune with a very weak guitar arrangement all of my own as soon as I had a moment of privacy. In the end, I didn't answer his question nor get any verbal with him, because I just wouldn't have known what to say, and I just didn't feel like getting too personal about the issues that I have, that he noticed and asked about. I just sang him an acoustic version of Spellbound by Siouxsie and The Banshees, because I was very much into my inside joke of five minutes prior, and that was it. I've done the bare minimum, I've done it my own, silly way... and now I'm feeling like my heart is a thousand times lighter than it was when I picked the phone up, and asked him which one of his several personalities I was talking to, that to later delete the message because, according to Stone, it was unnecessarily hard on Sean. He still hasn't answered my message, it's been a quarter of an hour since I've hit him up, but it makes sense that he still hasn't been back at me if I think that it's 10:15PM, and that he's most likely rocking out on stage. If I'm lucky, I'll get to hear from him at around 4AM, aka the time he'll be back from his night of clubbing and getting fucking shitfaced ... and although I don't know what state I'll find him in when I'll finally get to talk to him, and I hope I won't find him drunk out of his mind because drunk out of his mind Sean scares the fuck out of me, I'll be waiting. Patiently. And I won't be setting the bar too high nor get too hopeful about the nature of our exchange of the future, because with Sean you can never know what's gonna happen next for sure, especially if there's booze in his system. Deep in my heart, I hope that he'll find my message, play it, find it funny in some way, call me back, and talk to me as peacefully as I'd want him to. But it doesn't mean I won't let him intimidate me nor give me bullshit, if he by chance calls me, and snaps at me for no fucking reason again. That, because I'm an asshole, a masochistic asshole, and I know that I can't blame a lowkey alcoholic for being a drunk out of his mind, kinda aggressive alcoholic. Makes sense, right? It probably doesn't, but I know his struggles, I know his worth besides them, I know I'm the only one he allows to see his most vulnerable sides, and for that I can still show compassion for him. And reasonably, if I don't do that for him, who's gonna do it for me? Gerry Cuntrell ? Ha.
I smile a very forced smile, because I'm rather apprehensive right now, a bit nervous too, but I somehow still wanna feel like I'm owning this no matter what. And because if I don't smile now that my ex boyfriend has managed to find two minutes to send me a couple messages, a sign that he's still thinking about me and not shagging someone else as I thought he was doing (he isn't doing that, am I right?), who's gonna do it? Reasonably speaking, because you wouldn't be able to tell but I'm very reasonable right now... this is the happiest I've been in a while, and even if I ain't the textbook definition of happy, I can't help but cherish this sudden, unexpected wave of good feelings that's just hit me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine, because it looks as though as I'm still loved and cared about by the only person in the world I wanna be loved and cared about by. But at the same time I also feel like I've just fallen off ass first off cloud nine, because I just wish I could be with him now, but I know I can't. And why? Because I'm not as masochistic as I sell myself just for the 'sake' of it, and I don't feel ready to hop on my saddle and ride my ass to wherever he is, no matter the love that I still nurture for him. He's my weakness, my only weakness, and the fact that I've been able to silence my love for him and say no to joining him on the road as urgently as he would've wanted me to turned out to be the end of us, a few nights ago. But I'm his weakness too, or my beautiful, Mr. Proud and Stubborn as fuck would've never fucking hit me up tonight. I get the vibe that he's trying to put all the pride and stubbornness aside to give me a second chance... and I'm all down for it. I'm so down for it, I may as well give him his fourth chance with me if I find him well over the phone later tonight. Who knows. We'll live to tell it, I suppose. And we'll also live to tell if my wounds have healed and I feel ready enough to see him again... or if I'm still wary, a little afraid and unwilling to see him after the bullshit that he gave me. Everything is up to him more than it's up to me, and I'm eager yet quite nervous to figure out what we're gonna do with ourselves. The feelings are there, and they're still going both ways. We just have to find a way (no pun intended) back to eachother that is suitable and sustainable for both of us... and I like to stay optimistic and think that we may as well find it. Sean is a lowkey strategist, a great improviser too, and I know he must've got an idea or two on how to handle shit. On my side, I'm very reasonable, quite grounded too, and I know that where there's a will there's always a way. Fingers crossed that this time, it's gonna be the right way.
