فيزا
'It really depends. I mean, if you...'. I try to explain myself, more like, explain my words of not so long ago, because Sean has clearly gotten them wrong in a way that's almost painful... but before I can finish my sentence, and tell him that my opinion on him would only change if he kissed another woman for the fun of it, but that it wouldn't change if another woman kissed him out of the blue like my friend did with me, and if he stood his ground like I did with my friend indeed... he interrupts me again, for the hundredth time since this delirious exchange began if I'm not mistaken, making me sigh out of frustration and sheer disappointment in him and his uncompromising attitude. And together with another one of his low, quite pissed off growls, further and unmistakable signs that he's getting more and more fed up by me (me, being just honest? what the hell is he on? whatever it is, he ain't cursing me just yet and I'm relieved by that, as it's a canon event whenever he's on something) I can also hear the clicking of his lighter through the phone now. I don't know if he's just lit himself a joint or if he's back at smoking cigarettes, although he still to this day he swears he absolutely hates 'em... but contradicting himself is such a Sean thing of Sean, and that's why I ain't bothering to ask him if he's back on the nic, or just puffing green/hash as his usual. At the end of the day, why should I even care about something so trivial, while he's out there giving fucks in such a wrong way about something way more relevant ?
'It depends... girl, what the fuck's wrong with you lately?' He pipes in, picking up my words for the second time in a row within just minutes, and pissing the hell out of me because it's ridiculous that he's Cock Soup'ing me instead of just letting me fucking speak. My bird takes a lot after his papa, in the way that he always repeats what I say as it's God's word, but while the little boy is pretty much harmless and pure when he does the damn thing, Sean just ain't. The fact that he's asked me what the fuck is wrong with me in such a scruffy, fed up tone is the blatant proof of how hard on me he can get from time to time, for no actual reason if you ask me. I get his sheer disappointment, I too would be a little so, if I were him and found out that someone dared to get a taste of my tongue... but I just can't vibe with his way of trying to make me feel guilty at all costs, when guilt just doesn't look good on me in this instance in which I've just stood my ground and walked away from a dude who turned out to have a (not reciprocated one bit) thing for me. And by the way, what the fuck's 'what the fuck is wrong with you lately' mean, in this context? Nothing is wrong with me, and differently from what he's making it sound like, I'm still the same, overly romantic, harmless girl who was swooning into his arms until two weeks ago. I haven't changed, nor have my feelings for him nor my intentions with him. So why is he asking me that stupid fucking shit and calling me 'girl ', as if to him I'm just a random girl like another one, and not his girlfriend? Cherry? Why did it have to be 'girl', and not... let's say, even Jennifer? Why do I feel like he's trying to control himself and his words so that I won't be able to tell if he loves or hates me, at this point?
'You're getting me so wrong, and that's what's wrong with me. I'm telling you stuff and you're just jumping to your shitty conclusions totally ignoring me. I thought you were smarter than that, Sean. Really'. I answer, all in one breath, trying to get as much stuff as possible out of my mouth before he growls out loud/punches something and interrupts the fuck out of me. Again. But much to my surprise, this time he lets me finish my point with just a few, mumbled curses coming from his side of the phone, and he lets me have my say on this even if I know damn well that this one wasn't quite the answer he was looking for. He would've wanted an explanation for my actions of this afternoon, a couple apologies, possibly also reassurance that I haven't gone crazy, and that I'm still his girl Cherry, lost in love with him and genuinely obsessed with him, loyal to a fault too... but he's simply getting my unfiltered, rather exasperated rant on this right now. I know a rant wasn't what he was looking for, but can you blame me, when I say that if there's something wrong with me now, it's his way of getting me so damn wrong? More like, not getting me at all, because he ain't even making the basic effort to listen to me as I tell it like it is? I'm trying to speak, and he's giving me reasons to believe that he doesn't give half a fuck about figuring stuff out. I have reasons, points too, but he's purposely refusing to hear what I've got to tell him because he's too busy jumping to his conclusions without letting me have my say first. Standard degree of Sean's wiseassness, if you ask me. This is not a peaceful, even way of handling a conversation, and I'm done having to keep it going in his terms. We are losing track of the original topic being discussed here, and I'm letting him get away with it out of the love I have in my heart for him. But at the same time, I'm also doing my virtual best to let him know that his way of withholding is fucking pissing me off. And at this rate, it's pretty fucking inevitable. He's the smartest person I've ever met, really, we are both peaceful over the fact that he's the smartest one in this pair, while I'm just the clever bookworm/nerd/student... then why ain't he just showcasing his out of the world-like intelligence, and doing what every intelligent person would do? Aka letting me fucking speak before assuming stuff and putting stuff I've never said in my mouth and swearing that it's what I meant ? When it's obvious that it wasn't what I fucking meant to even begin with? Why is having a conversation with this man so fucking hard, whenever the stuff being discussed gets a little bit more serious? Why am I still talking to him, when it's clear that a man who doesn't let me explain myself just ain't good enough for me? If that's how he faces a minor inconvenience, how the fuck can I expect him to face more serious issues if we get back together? How can I expect that we won't pick a fight whenever we'll have to talk about the serious kinda stuff that all couples have to talk about, at some point into being together ? How can I expect him not to throw a hissy fit (if not a chair) at me, if someday we'll go to some furniture store to buy pieces for our countryside home, he'll want to buy an aseptic kitchen table, and won't be willing to bargain with me wanting to buy a barocco one? Why am I still giving him the time of my life and believing that if I keep talking to him now, explaining myself and explaining himself on behalf of him too while I'm at it, he's gonna realise his mistakes and better himself ? For me? For us? Does he even still believe in us? Does he even still love me? In all honesty, aka my forte, I'm a little too afraid to find an answer to both questions. Right now, I'm just getting the vibe that he's plain over me, pissed off, disillusioned and resentful. And I'm just trying to learn how to cope with the fact that he'll give up on me in no time ... so that it'll hurt less when he'll finally get to do the damn thing.
