the only way

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original date of publication: january 2023

Sometimes the only way to see myself is at the bottom of a whiskey glass.

I live in the future, in moments that won't ever exist; in a soft touch of light that isn't quite real, in an impression, in shadows on the cave wall. I live in a world where I can't see.

Sometimes, when my vision is crooked, at least I can see myself. I can look down at hands and recognise them, however shaky, as mine. However senseless the world around me, at least I see it in its present moment. At least I'm living in it.

Sometimes I can't know myself; the walls that I put up, my barriers are so blinding that I forget there's anything behind them. Sometimes a drunken stammer is the only sound to penetrate them.

Sometimes I find clarity in alcohol and I don't know how to save myself. The only solution I can find is to live in the darkness for as much as I can bear.


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