I'm No Prince

Andrew

Andrew felt pinned, forced into who he was. It wasn't as though he was forced into being someone he hated, he just wasn't who he wanted to be, wasn't he? Andrew sighed- a soft thing, really, the one thing that Andrew wasn't able to fix about himself was his voice, which was much higher and lighter than his 17 years would suggest.

Andrew stood from his desk, readying himself to become the perfect son once more. His parents didn't really say they expected him to be flawless, but Andrew knew that it was what they wanted from him. The effects of continuously being what everyone wanted him to be weighed on him, putting Andrew at the end of himself mentally.

"I really still don't know who I really am..." Andrew thought somberly, "all I know is who I'm good at pretending to be."

Andrew had been trying for years to discover himself, but he had yet to actually succeed at this. Knowing who one was was such a difficult goal, as he kept running into a roadblock, every single time he tried to define himself. He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to figure things out.

Andrew stepped into the hallway, tense. He really wasn't keen on running into Kelsey, his twin sister, at the moment. Kelsey had a habit of pretending that she understood Andrew, not on purpose, he supposed, but how did she think she knew him so well when he didn't even know himself? Kelsey was nice enough, he supposed, and maybe she really could help him understand himself. He still needed to decide what the best way to go in his life was.

"Hey, Drew," Andrew's mom greeted him as he entered the dining room, "it's nice to have you join us for supper again. Did you finally get the quiet you were needing?"

"Yeah, it was nice," Andrew replied. He knew his parents had hoped his introspection wouldn't last too long. They still thought he was the perfect son, and they liked it that way, so Andrew needed to make sure he stayed that way. Andrew didn't feel able to figure anything out, though.

"Well," Mom told him, "remember, if you even need a moment to yourself, just tell us. we want you to be okay, Drew."

It was always the same- Andrew constantly heard these remarks from his parents, but it was all just pleasantries, wasn't it? His parents wanted him to be the best, that was what he'd heard them say; "always do the best you can, Drew. Always make sure you are putting every effort into your work." they told him he could get perfect scores, all he had to do was try. 

He tried all right, and at first it hadn't been enough. His parents had asked him why he wasn't trying, and he knew that they really wanted him to be perfect. He couldn't afford to mess anything up, the look of disapproval on his parents' faces was something he never wanted to see.

Music from the other side of the room shook Andrew out of his reverie, Kelsey had come downstairs. Her favorite song was blaring from her earbuds, because Kelsey was not one for soft music. Andrew internalized the song's lyrics, letting them wash over him for a little while. The song was "Bang!" by AJR, Andrew didn't know why Kelsey liked it so much, after all, it gave the feel of someone who had no clue what they were doing. That was too relatable to him, it gave him the chills.

"Good morning, Drew!" Kelsey declared as she stepped into the room, finally turning her phone's music off.

"Kels," Andrew replied, "it's six o'clock in the evening. You're a little late for a good morning, aren't you?"

"No, silly," Kelsey giggled, "it can be morning if you want it to be! After all, you're the one in control of your life, aren't you?"

Well, that was certainly philosophical, and it surprised Andrew to hear it come from Kelsey's mouth. She seemed to think less about life and more about how best to party around with her friends. However, Andrew supposed that even an extrovert could go deep, if she was in the right circumstances.

"Besides," Kelsey followed up, forcing Andrew to focus on the conversation again, "I didn't really mean 'good morning'. I said 'good mourning'. You look like you've lost a friend, you know that? what's up, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Andrew told her, "just, you know, tired. It was a long day at school for me."

As the rest of Andrew's family trickled into the dining room for supper, he had to turn his brain off to focus on what was happening around him. He was too distracted by what Kelsey had said to him, that he was the one in charge of his life. That, that was true, wasn't it? Why hadn't he thought of that? Well, he had sort of had an idea similar to that, but it hadn't been as clear as Kelsey's was.

If he was the one in charge of his life, then he was the one responsible for making it work. And if he was the one in charge, then he didn't have to pretend to be someone he wasn't, because he was the only person who needed to be happy with him. That was a breakthrough, certainly, though as he thought a bit more, it didn't really help him as much as he thought.

Why couldn't he just figure out who he thought he was?