I'm No Prince

Unveiling the Mirror

Andrew stared into his bathroom mirror, taking an actual look at himself for the first time in years. He reflected on Kelsey's words from yesterday, wondering what to do. If she was right, and his true self was simply waiting patiently for him to find it, then he wanted to do this thing correctly.

The reflection standing before him seemed to be no different than the current Andrew, however, and he didn't feel like he could sense anything different. He decided that he should start keeping a journal of his thoughts and feelings each day. Maybe if he was able to see what was going through his mind on a tangible piece of paper, then he'd be able to make sense of it all.

He rummaged through his desk drawer and pulled out a blank notebook, one he'd received as a gift but never found a use for until now. With a pen in hand, he sat down at his desk and began to write.

"April 7th," Andrew wrote, "today marks the start of my search for myself. I hope that by making my thoughts and feelings visible on paper, I should be able to make sense of the conflicting mess of confusion that is my mind."

He paused, tapping the pen against his chin, and then added, "Kelsey's words really struck a chord with me. She believes in me, and I need to believe in myself too. This sure won't be easy, but I have to start somewhere."

Andrew looked at the clock and nearly jumped in shock as he noticed it was time to get to school. He closed the journal reluctantly, feeling a pang of regret for the time he was losing, and met Kelsey in the living room. She was putting on her jacket, her usual morning energy palpable.

"Ready to go?" she asked, flashing him a smile.

"Yeah, just lost track of time," Andrew replied, grabbing his backpack.

As they drove to school, Andrew's mind wandered back to his journal. He wondered what it would hold for him at the end of the week and if he would maybe be able to understand what was going through his own mind.

**Andrew's journal**

"April 8th", he wrote, "it's slow going right now I suppose. There isn't too much I'm feeling that seems important, and I don't know how to sort out the everyday things from the things I want to understand. I guess I felt a little more self-conscious during lunch today. I sat with Harry and Jason, and they kept talking about what they want to do once they graduate. The future is so scary. Everyone seems to have their lives plotted and graphed, like they know where they want to be in ten years, meanwhile, I'm just... I'm just lost. I have no clue where I want to be in two years, let alone ten, and I'm not even sure of who I want to be either. It's all so scary, and I'm wondering again, 'am I a prince?' I sure don't feel like one. I don't even know if I want to be a prince. I'm so confused."

"April 9th," the journal kept growing, "today I couldn't bear to make myself talk to anyone, even Jason. I sat with Kelsey and Chloe, just keeping silent. It's not like I'd be able to talk to them even if I wasn't in the slump I was in today though. I don't think I could bring myself to talk to Chloe right now even if I was normal. That seems so scary right now, especially since I'm still confused about myself. Why do I feel this way?"

"April 10th", Andrew continued, "I managed to work up the courage to have a conversation again. I talked with Kelsey a bit on the way to school, and we had another movie and pillow fort night since our parents are still out of town. Maybe I'll be able to pull through this eventually. if we end up having more of these nights where me and Kels can just exist and talk and laugh, then maybe it'll all fall into place? I'm not sure, and I keep asking myself: 'Am I a prince?' yet it's starting to feel like maybe that's the wrong question. Does the label make it harder for me to feel comfortable in my own skin? I just want to feel normal, like myself. Whoever that is."

"April 11th", the journal finally read, "it's Friday, so the weekend is almost here again. Harry and Jason had lunch with me again today, and we talked about the future again, too. I had an overwhelming sense of fear during that whole conversation. What if I never discover who I am, or never end up deciding where to go after adulthood? It feels like I'm drowning in a sea of questions and fear, and I can't find an answer anywhere, no matter how hard I look. Yesterday I kept asking myself 'am I a prince', but today I felt like I needed to ask: 'Am I comfortable with myself?' I think if I ignore the desire to act like a 'prince' then I end up feeling more like who I am. Not entirely like who I am, of course, something still feels so completely wrong, but I can't place my finger on it yet, so I'm taking baby steps. I'll discover who I want to be eventually. Maybe I'll talk to Kels about it tomorrow."

Andrew set his pen down and looked over the week, noticing all of the small moments hidden within the words he'd written. When he wrote it down, bit by bit, and took his time, the task felt almost manageable. He was actually looking forward to the prospect of asking Kelsey for help making sense of these emotions and thoughts, and of getting closer to whoever his true self was. His questions felt like they might just be able to be answered, if he phrased them properly and gave them each ample thought. Before he knew for sure where he was going, however, he wanted to find a second opinion.