Maybe!! Maybe Not?? (ishman/shubish)

chapter 24

Disappointed is not the word for what Shubman feels, it's more like grief, mourning for his chances to explain. He's bouncing back and forth between denial and sadness, with bouts of anger and heart-crushing moments of acceptance.

Pinning is one thing, he's been doing it for years it's almost like second nature, but not actively having Ishan in his life is horrible, and impossible too given that they practically share every moment.

Shubman knows what suffering feels like.
He's feeling it every day when he wakes up and realises all over again that Ishan is gone after finding his side of the bed empty. When he gets ready for practice all by himself or when he spends the rest of his day cooped up by himself.

He feels it whenever he goes to sleep at night hugging a pillow, it's a habit Ishan left for him to deal with.

He knows what suffering feels like, Ishan made him feel it every day in his absence.

Homesickness that's what it is, he had dealt with it before and probably will again in future too. This time though it's harder than ever.

Shubman worries every time he sees the response he got to his text from Ishan, and they haven't talked after that shubman doesn't know how to respond or what to say. He practically had to press his ears closer when any team member was on the phone with Ishan just to see if he was okay. 

Shubman keeps thinking about what Ishan might be doing, is he off to somewhere having fun or worse if he's lying in a bed all gloomy like him?

More often than not he finds himself thinking everything will be over once he goes back to India.

The absolute worst part is he can't seem to focus on the game he has been performing badly in practice and he's terrified about the actual game.

..........☆☆☆........

He fucked up.

Shubman knew when he saw Rohit running towards him for a run and he stayed standing there which resulted in Rohit getting out at 0.

The silence of the crowd is agitating. Shubman tries to keep himself calm as he walks back to the dressing room with his head hanging low. After getting out on just 23 runs.

He knows what is coming for him, after years he's used to it. the trolling not only from the internet but from his team members also.

Shubman sees Virat standing right next to him. He tries to give a weak smile even if it feels like dying.

Virat, standing to his right, eyes him for a second and places a hand on his shoulder while turning to look the other way. It should be reassuring, especially for Shubman who is always looking for physical affection. But today it is a reminder of a silent 'I know, I know kid'  and it makes him want to curl on the floor and cry.

He's not as strong as Virat, he's not sure if he's gonna make it out of this stadium without crumbling into pieces.

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Shubman sits on the edge of the bed his mind replaying all the bad things that had happened in just a few days and to deal with it all he only needed one person to be with him.

It's only in those moments when he understands the drug addicts and the alcohol addicts, he understands why they need to bury themselves in alcohol or drugs. He understands it all because he himself feels addicted to someone.

Shubman knew his life would be a mess from the get-go. But he realised now how he didn't know when he got lost going so deep into the thorns However today he also realised how much he wanted to find his way back and wanted to feel happy again. Shubman didn't know how, or where to begin all he knew was that he felt a sudden feeling of urgency in his chest and a desire to run away from the thorns back to his home. He wanted to go home so bad.