झरोखा - A window to my soul

The Limbo of Survival

They say, "No greater desire exists than a wounded person's need for another wound."
The truthfulness of these words lies beyond me, but what I do know is that I'm stuck in a tornado called Life, the powerful gust of wind which I can neither escape nor stop. It keeps moving forward, changing paces, whisking me away to an unknown destination.

Frozen between the desire to not live and the unwillingness to die, I cannot decide the course of my own Life. All the work that I've put in, to heal those scars, I wish could be undone with a new set of them, a new set which brings with itself more memories and hurt and grief than ever before. Maybe than I could feel the pain without the guilt, and perhaps it would remind me of the battles I fought and the wars I waged, to exist, to survive.

Those who marred me have now shifted, leaving my rage nowhere to go. The new version of the tormentors did not deserve the change without repenting for their sins, they do not get to wash away their crimes with fake words of affirmation and smiles. The silent screams and broken sobs of the little girl they left behind want to haunt them to their graves, but the tragedy of hurt is that it is inflicted by those supposed to love us.

Now the little girl is again at crossroads, to hate or not hate her sinners, the conflict of Life leaving her again in the limbo. For every time she tries to move on, the prickly vines of the past tighten their hold on her dainty ankles, drawing the crimson elixir of life. Pushing forward hurts, but so does staying, what choice did she have except to keep on going?

This languish of push and pull, fly and freeze, life and death are now a reality, a tangled web of paradoxes she must weave through. And weaving she is, yet the atrocities of existence and the miseries of life, keep her ensnared in the Limbo of Survival, for the eternities to come.