झरोखा - A window to my soul

Home

Home. For some people it's just a word, for some its family, for some it's where they find solace and for others its just a place to live.
Different people have different connections and meanings for one single word.

But what does home mean to me? On one hand its a collection of bad memories and painful moments and on the other its something I never had. Or maybe I did, but it didn't want me, maybe it wasn't meant for me, for the one place I could've wanted to go back at the end of the day didn't feel like it.

I never realised that the place that had meant everything to me once now just became somewhere I never want to go again. Never realised that the place that cradled me so carefully in it's hands throughout my childhood would turn into an epitome of burdens and failed expectations.

Never knew how the place that saw the jolly, carefree and full of life me turned me into an anxious, overthinking and insecure mess.

Maybe it's the people there or maybe their actions that made me want to escape 'home' , made me felt claustrophobic and scared  in the one place I was supposed to be safe and free.

Whatever it is, at the end of the day it is my home and is it fair enough if I say I never want to go there again? Probably not, but how can you expect me to go back to that one place and to those people who have hurt me so deeply that even after years the scars and the pain haven't faded?

Do you really expect me to move on when all I thought for months and months was how to get out of that place without killing myself? Do not get me wrong, I can forgive and I probably already have but is it really possible for me to forget? The harsh words, the punishments, the fear, the anxiety, the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the hurt, the pain do you really expect me to forget all of that and pretend as if nothing happened?

Maybe you can forget and move on but I can't, for it was me who had spent countless nights crying over my fate, for it is me that still sleeps crying in the arms of the dark night and for it would be me that will wake up crying in the early hours of the day...