Blackbird

Chapter 16: Dawning Realizations

The holidays were coming up, and with it the dawning realization I wouldn't be going home. Well maybe it was never home, but to Grimmauld Place. I'd gotten letters from my parents. Of course I had. Not Howlers though, so I could ignore them as long as I wanted. Shred or burn them, even.

Yet I didn't.

I don't know why I didn't.

Instead, I kept each and every one in a box under my bed. They stayed sealed, but the contents seemed to haunt me all the same.

There was another realization slowly coming with the approaching holidays. I actually had friends this year. Which meant I would need to buy gifts. But with what money? My parents certainly hadn't given me any. I wasn't going to ask anyone else for some.

Which meant I had to make something. But what could I make my friends that they couldn't get themselves?

Minette and Veronica came from wealthy, although admittedly abusive families. Willow's parents bought her anything she ever asked for, and it seemed as though James' parent were much the same. James' parents. Now that brought a whole different set of problems.

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure Mum will love you." James wasn't being any help and I was starting to panic.

"James, they've never met me. How can you be sure your mother will love me?"

He shrugged, "Mums are just like that, you know?"

No. No I did not. I was either a useless but pretty accessory, or I was an object for her to take her anger out on. I was the mistake, the worthless child that she never wanted.

James seemed to realize he had misspoke, since he jumped to continue. "My bad, but trust me. There's no way my mum won't love you."

"Forgive me if I don't entirely believe you." I'd had terrible experiences with parents. It seemed impossible for a woman I'd never met to somehow love me where my birth mother hadn't been able to.

But then again, Walburga was definitely a one of a kind witch.

"Look, if it makes you feel better, we can go shopping together at Hogsmead this weekend." At this I grew uncomfortable, shifting in my seat.

"About that..."

"I can pay if that's the problem." I closed my eyes in embarrassment, if only that was the problem.

"I can't go."

"Why not? You haven't been banned, have you?" I could feel a blush making its way up my cheeks as I carefully studied my nails.

"No. You can't be banned from a place you've never been."

"A place you-you've never whAT?!" James was left spluttering while I continued to avoid eye contact.

"Well, they didn't think it was strictly necessary, you see. It's not like I have money to shop and I'm not allowed on dates. So there was no point anyway."

It's what I've had to tell myself for a year and a half now. Every time everyone else my age went off to the village and left me behind. I didn't have any friends to go with, but it would've been nice to walk through the little village everyone 13 and older raved about.

Based on others' descriptions I could probably spend hours in Tomes and Scrolls alone.

I'd never gotten to try Butterbeer, the only drinks ever held at fancy pureblood parties were wine and champagne. Neither of which I liked.

"Not allowed on dates?" He looked so confused I would've laughed if I wasn't so busy rolling my eyes. Of course that was what he would focus on.

"Arranged marriages, remember?"

A look of disgust passed his face before he shook it off. "I can't believe Padfoot never mentioned this. We could've at least snuck you some sugar quills."

The reminder of Sirius' apparent thoughtlessness set a weight in my gut that I desperately tried to ignore. "Sugar quills sound awful. I'm much more interested in trying Butterbeer."

If possible, James seemed even more scandalized at this mention before he turned thoughtful. "Are you even old enough to be drinking Butterbeer? You might not like it, it's pretty sweet."

I debated shoving him with my shoulder, but opted not to. I would probably end up knocking myself off balance in the process. That boy was built like a rock. "I'm not a child. Goodness knows you and Sirius aren't old enough for that firewhiskey stash."

He winced, "Fair enough."

"And anyway, I still don't know what to get your mother. Forget not having any money, what would she even like?" I had an seemingly endless supply of beauty products and spells, but based off James, that didn't seem like the kind of thing Mrs Potter would appreciate.

James didn't seem to be taking me seriously though, merely waving me off. "Let's focus on getting you into Hogsmeade first. You can't miss it. Your first day in Hogsmeade will be one of the best in your life."

I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow, skeptical. "Is that a promise Potter?"

The wink I got in return was so rakish it should've been illegal. "Of course it is."

— ✨ —

"No. There is no way."

"Oh come on, please?" James made his best attempt at puppy eyes, but I was adamant, and refused to be moved.

"James, there is no way I am going anywhere in that outfit." It was too...casual. The blue muggle pants were apparently called jeans, and he had paired them with a disgustingly striped longsleeve and a puffy jacket I was positive was actually Peter's.

"Well you're not supposed to be in Hogsmeade. And I hate to break it to you, but your everyday clothes don't really help you to blend in." Of course I knew that. That was the point. To look good, better than everyone else. To build myself up so high that no one could pull me down. Perhaps I wasn't as school smart as most, or I didn't know everything about being normal. My power was in my appearance, and I wasn't about to go without it.

"Where did you even get these clothes anyway?"

His sheepish look immediately had me on my guard. "The jacket is Peter's. Everything else...we just found."

"Those pants are far too small to be any of yours. Even if Remus was that skinny, his legs are way too long. And that shirt should be burned."

"Fine, don't wear the shirt. Throw on a jumper or something. But you can't wear a skirt every day of your life. Doesn't it ever get cold?"

Truthfully, I never really noticed it much. I think I was just always cold, and I'd been wearing skirts for so long I'd never really noticed it. Origins of the pants aside, I could admit to being curious. But...

"I don't have any casual jumpers." I didn't actually have a casual anything, I was beginning to realize. I was already thinking of how to dress up the jeans in my head. "And I refuse to steal Peter's jacket. It's his favorite, and if we sneak in a heating charm I won't need it anyway."

James' eyes sparkled with mischief as he pretended to look scandalized. "Illegal magic? Why, Miss Black, I never."

I would have shoved him if I wasn't still squirrely about physical contact. I settled for rolling my eyes instead. "Oh shut it, Potter."

So. It's been a fat minute. I've had different drafts for this chapter for a long time now, and I think I might have written a couple more for after this one. Just need some sleep and revision before they get published. Still no set schedule, sorry. But at least I'm back?