I can't and probably won't ever understand how me and Chris split, I don't know if we just grew apart or if he was just being a dick, I still cared for him and I probably always will, he was the first boy I let into my life like that, the first boy to ever understand how I felt about things and comfort me about it.
"You ok" my bestfriend Jasmin asked "yeah" I lied, truly I was thinking about Chris and how things could've gone right if we just talked it out, getting hurt all over again.
"You're thinking about him aren't you?" She asked once more "how could I not? I love him" I said looking her in her eyes "if you realized what he did to you, then you wouldn't love him the way you do" she put her hand on my shoulder "did he love you? At one point absolutely he did, more than anything but you have to know that he chooses not to love you while you sit here and obsess over him like you guys just got together" her words kinda hurt but they were definitely humbling.
A few days later I was at school, currently walking to the bus, my car was currently getting fixed, so I had no choice but to ride the bus. When I sat down, I put my airpods in and listened to music, until I saw a figure, a very familiar figure sit across from me, it was Chris, I couldn't help but look at him, he looked up at me shortly after I did, eye contact was made, held and not broken, I didn't know what to say or do so I just looked at him, for the first time in months.
"Get off at my stop" he said "what?" I asked making sure I heard him "I know you wanna talk about it and I'm bot going to do it right here y/n" he said "fine" part of me was happy to speak to him but part of me was still upset and angry at him for leaving me, I know things happen and people break up but things just felt so right with him, I had never felt like that with anyone else before until I met him.
When we got to his stop we both got off and started walking to his house which had been about a 10 minute walk. "I know you wanna talk about it so talk" he said fixing his backpack "I just don't understand, one moment we were fine and the next we were broken up and ever since we broke up you have been a complete dick" I said being completely honest "I broke up with you because I wanted to focus of my future and I wanted you to do the same, I've been a dick because I don't know how to act, y/n I loved you more than anything and I still kind of do but how am I supposed to treat my ex?" I rolled my eyes at his response "It doesn't matter anymore Chris, I want to go home, can Matt take me?" I asked, he stopped and looked at me "not even home and you're already wanting to home?" He asked "yes Chris, it's just weird being around you now and honestly I don't want to deal with your attitude" I continued walking towards his house "he's sick but he might" I sighed "ok"
When we got to his house we sat in his room, "listen I'm sorry for breaking up with you, I just didn't want to hold you back or myself back for our future" he said, "it's fine but I still love you" I admitted "I love you too" he said, things got quiet between us, he ended up playing his game and I ended up laying in his bed, looking at the boy I used to call mine and falling asleep.
When I woke up it was only an hour since I had fallen asleep, Chris was laying beside me "what are you doing" I asked "well it's my bed, and you were sleeping and I know you hate when people wake you up" he said getting comfortable again "ok well, I'll leave now" I said trying to get up, Chris grabbed my hand "no just stay, Matt's sleeping and your mom is at work for her night shift" he said "yeah but she doesn't know I'm here" I stood there waiting for his response "yes she does I texted her earlier" he said pulling my hand down even more to come lay down, I shrugged and laid down next to him, I missed him so whenever I got the chance to be with him I took it.
"Want sweats, leggings, shorts or pj pants?" He asked "shorts" I replied, he got up from the bed and opened the drawer that used to be mine and looked like it still was "here" he said throwing the shorts at me.
After I changed and laid back down, I let Chris have his space, until he turned off his lights and laid next to me laying his head on my shoulder, he took my arm, placing it on his head, hinting he wanted what he loved most when we were together, light head scratches. "Why are you like this, one moment you hate me and the next your laying on me in bed with my hand on your hair" I said "I can't keep denying I don't miss you" he replied laying his arm across my body, I let all my worries and issues about breaking up go away as I was in the comfort of his arms.
I knew I could still never call him mine but it was nice to know he still loved me like I loved him.
