Starbound

Chapter 10: Kurtis Lemaire

I kept telling myself that I've never felt that connected to someone before, except I knew that was a lie. I remember one specific time that I felt the same type of strong connection towards someone, towards one particular little girl.

Things were finally looking up. Sure, I was still living with my mother and things still weren't exactly ideal, but at least I had Lia. My motivation got better because I actually had something to look forward to at school. I loved seeing her, walking into homeroom and seeing her sitting in her seat, talking to her until the bell rang, and then continuing to talk to her down the hall. Talking to her was very refreshing, it was like my eyes were opened to another world of socialization. I never knew how deprived I was of this world until it was revealed to me.
People were surprised that we held hands the day after we started dating. I mean, I don't blame them. But they had no clue the feelings and the emotions in the moment, how I could feel the mutual connection and how her eyes almost yelled at me to grab her hand. As people who never dated anyone before, we were both going into this blind. We were only doing what we thought was right. I mean, I guess I had a girlfriend in 3rd grade. It was Cora Winslowe. Me and Cora were close there for a little bit, although we grew apart. But when we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, we'd meet on the playground at recess everyday and hold hands. I'd look over to a little girl swinging alone on the swings. She always sat alone on the swings. Nobody ever sat next to her, and when they did, they never talked to her. Cora told me this girl was a brat and that's why nobody talked to her. I don't know why, but Cora hated this girl for some reason. She told me never to talk to her.
Well, one day Cora didn't come to school. I sat alone on the play set, watching all the other kids run around with their friends. Except one of them. That girl sat on the swings, alone. She didn't have any friends. I remember the yearn I felt to approach that girl, but then Cora's words halted me. The girl was a brat. I should never talk to her. But Cora wasn't there.. she'd never know. We were the only two kids at recess who didn't have a friend to hang out with, so it was only natural for us to hang out, right? I approached her and sat down on the swing next to her. She looked over to me. She didn't smile or anything, she just looked at me with a straight face. Her eyes were big, and she looked a little bit scared, even. She had tan skin, green eyes, and brown hair that was a light chestnut and wavy. I grinned at her.
"Hi," I said to her.
"..Hi," she replied quietly.
"What are you doing all alone over here?" I asked the girl.
She shrugged.
"Do you like my shoes? I just got them." I stomped on the ground to make them light up.
She looked down at my shoes and slowly nodded her head.
"I've never seen you other than at recess," I said to her, gently rocking my swing back and forth.
She didn't reply, she just looked at me.
"You're probably in the grade above me, huh," I said, not minding the fact that she didn't reply. She wasn't the responding type, only the listening type, but I was fine with that. I was the chatting type back then, so I needed someone who would just happily listen.
I reached down and picked up two twigs from the ground under my swing. I handed one to her. "That's alright. I'm friends with older people more than my age people," I said, looking at the twig in my hand.
She fidgeted with the twig I gave her, although she kept her eyes on me.
"The people in this school are mean," I said. "Someone told me my legs were too short and looked like mini carrot sticks."
She didn't laugh, neither did she smile. She just sat and kept listening.
"Jokes on them, they looked like one of Santa's elves." I bent my twig until it broke in half. One of the ends of the twig snapped up and hit me on the cheek, also hitting my glasses and making them go crooked. I immediately put my hand on my cheek, feeling the sting.
She chuckled. I wasn't sure if she was laughing because of my joke or because the twig hit my face, but her laughing made the pain go away. I took my hand away from my face and smiled at her, fixing my glasses so they were straight again. Something about her big green eyes enticed me. Something about how she was able to soothe my pain. There it was, the connection. We were both silent for a moment, staring at each other. Thinking back at it, maybe she was feeling the connection too.
I sighed and looked at the ground. "People are mean."
She kept looking at me.
"I don't understand why it's okay for them to tell me my legs look like mini carrot sticks. I don't like how they laugh at me and tell me I'm weird."
She continued to just look at me, listening.
"And I always used to wear those high blue socks until Kaden told me they were too girly, and I used to put a star at the end of my name when writing it on my papers but Greg told me it was too weird."
She lightly pushed herself back and forth as she listened to me.
"And my brother yelled at me yesterday for accidentally spilling the apple juice all over the table when I was pouring it. It's not my fault that thing weighs a ton!"
She was a good person to rant to. She nodded her head towards the things she agreed with and raised her eyebrows to the things she found surprising. Her facial expressions were the only way I knew she was listening to me. But I also just had that feeling.
She probably knew just about everything I struggled with whenever recess was over. I don't know if I've ever ranted like that to someone. Nobody listened to me like she did. It's always turned towards themselves whenever I rant to someone else. I hate that. Why not be like that little girl and sit quietly as someone rants to you, only responding with facial expression instead of words. I'm pretty sure everyone would be happier in this world if people were to just listen to them rant. I try to follow my own rules and listen to Estelle when she has to rant. Even when it's something I find really dumb and irrelevant, I listen. It obviously means a lot to her if she has to rant about it. Sometimes I wish I had the same shoulder to lean on as I used to whenever I met that girl. I remember feeling so refreshed after that recess was over. I felt like everything was off my chest and I could breathe again. Finding someone like that nowadays would be hard.
But then I realized something.
I knew where to look.
Waiting for me on my bed was my phone. On my phone, inside of my messages app, was one particular girl. My girlfriend. The girl who would listen to me rant. The girl who would let me breathe again. The girl on the swings. Lia.
I made a realization today. The girl on the swings never told me her name, and I only ever talked to her that once. But now I know who she is, that little girl on the swings was Lia. I couldn't believe the discovery I had made. It was like a lifelong mystery had finally been solved and my mind had the right to settle.

Me and Estelle got home from school one day. On a normal day, I'd run straight to my room so I wouldn't have to interact with my mom, but today something diverted my attention from my bedroom. The sounds of a whimpering dog. Estelle and I exchanged confused glances. She walked into the kitchen so I followed her. Our mom was standing in the kitchen at the counter. She looked over to us and her face lit up.
"Oh, hey!" our mom exclaimed. "I have a surprise for you guys!"
Me and Estelle stood there, looking at her in expectancy. Our mom led us into the laundry room. Inside the laundry room, a pit-bull sat in a crate, whimpering. It stood up and wagged its tail back and forth at the sight of us. Me and Estelle looked at the dog with wide eyes, then we looked to our mom.
"He's a purebred pit-bull," our mom said. "The owner said he was super friendly."
"How much exactly was he..?" asked Estelle.
"Um.. I forget exactly.." our mom replied uneasily. "Here. We can let him out." She opened the crate's door and the dog rushed out.
I backed up. I don't mind little dogs, but big dogs were definitely something I don't like. The dog immediately grasped onto Estelle's pant leg and pulled. Estelle furrowed her eyebrows and tried to pull her leg away from the dog.
"Hey!" our mom yelled, grabbing the dog by the collar and yanking him off of Estelle.
"How nice.." Estelle said sarcastically.
"What should we name him? You guys can come up with the name," our mom said.
"Um.. Bandit," said Estelle.
I didn't suggest a name. I didn't care at all about this thing. The name will not change the way I feel about it.
"Bandit it is," said our mom. "Let's let Bandit explore the house." She let the collar go and the dog started to sniff around the room. It made its way out of the laundry room and into the kitchen. We all followed it.
"It's a nice day out," our mom said. "Maybe we can all go for ice cream."
"No," I said promptly.
"Oh, cmon, Kurtis," said our mom. "Please?"
Estelle looked at me, and I could tell she wanted me to just give in. I was kind of hungry.. and it was a nice day out. My mom wouldn't do anything crazy in public, I don't think, so I sighed and agreed to go.
Our mom insisted on letting Bandit roam the house while we were gone. Me and Estelle didn't know if that was the best idea, but our mom said that the owner told her he was a good dog and would mainly spend his days sleeping on the couch. We were so stupid for letting our mom keep the dog out of its crate.
I came home and saw Bandit sleeping on the couch. I shook my head as I walked past him and I entered my bedroom. I could feel the affects of high blood sugar so I knew I needed to control that somehow. But, when I entered my room, the feeling of my high blood sugar left my body and was replaced with the feeling of terror. In the middle of the room between me and Estelle's beds laid a shoebox. Inside the shoebox were three bloody kittens, a fourth kitten laying on the outside of the box on the floor. I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart didn't feel like it was beating anymore. I shakily knelt down next to the box. I reached down and gently touched the bloodied fur of one of the kittens. These were the kittens I had fought so hard for, that were threatened to be taken away from me many times. These kittens I took care of like they were my own kids. Tears swelled in my eyes. I've failed. I touched each one of the kittens, feeling that they were stiff and cold, dead. But, then I touched the one that laid on the floor outside of the box. It was warm, and I could see the side of its body steadily rising and falling. I exhaled a breath of relief. I picked the kitten up and held it to my chest, even though it's blood soaked my shirt. I heard Estelle walk into the room behind me. She gasped at the sight.
"The dog!" I yelled, looking to Estelle.
"Oh my gosh, Kurtis.." Estelle said breathlessly.
"The dog killed them!" I cried.
Estelle knelt down beside me and looked at the lifeless kittens in the shoebox. She seemed at a loss for words.
"Are they all dead?" she uttered.
"No," I replied, showing her the kitten that I held to my chest. "This one is still alive."
"Will it be alive for long?" she asked.
I stood up and sat on my bed, still holding the kitten to my chest. "I don't know."
"Are you going to take it to the vet?" she asked.
"No.. I can't. This kitten is way too small, they'd probably just tell me there's no hope for it.. plus we don't have the money for that."
"So what're you gonna do?"
"Try to heal it myself."
Estelle sat down on the bed next to me. I named each kitten after the four seasons. This one was named Winter since it had the most white on it. I've never been so angry at an animal before. That dog was dead to me, and I thought I didn't like it before. I blamed my mom, though. She was the one who thought it would be a bright idea to let it out while we were gone. Now my kittens were dead. Snickers kittens that I had promised to take care of. Snickers trusted me and I let her down.
I cleaned up the bloody mess and then me and Estelle went out to the backyard to bury them. After they were under the ground, part of the earth, I sat on my knees in front of their grave. Estelle stood behind me. I felt a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It made me wonder, how many lives could be lost at the hands of me?